Secret Diaries of a Wannabe Yummy Mammy

Move Over Lord Sugar!

2012-01-22T15:40:00.000Z

Well hello my darlings. It's me, Yummy Mammy! Bet you thought I'd just vanished or disconnected my internet connection. Well no,I'm breaking the Silent Sunday thing to have a little update.

So how are we all? Good I hope. Now you want to know what the hell I've been doing. Deep breath, brew and fag time, because I've been up to an awful lot.

First, small child. Unfortunately she's still in Ireland with Batman (big sad face) but on the positive, she's doing ok, Batman is actually friendly to me these days, he even apologised for being so horrible for so long (THUD! Yes I too fell off the chair at that one), and she comes to visit loads, which is great because it means now that I get all the nice bits and the nice child, and he gets the daily rubbish of dealing with a pre teen that likes getting her own way.

Next, The Foreign One. Well he still isn't for going away. All very bizarre indeed considering that his supposed other half knows about me. I've refrained from doing the get down and dirty stuff with him, which in some ways I think is worse. If it was all just about sex then you'd just call him a wandering bloke, but this seems to be more of a caring sharing kind of thing. I know it's wrong, but I do like the company and I suppose the getting caught thing is his problem. I could just change my number and email to get rid of him, but I don't think that would get rid of him. As for that poor girl, well, if turning a blind eye works for her then it's pretty certain to all blow up and end in tears some day. We shall just wait for that day to arrive. And besides, I don't have the time these days to sort out my non existent love life.

Which brings me on to my next point. I'm too busy because I quit my horrible day job and I've now started my own business! I'm a fully fledged business owner! More shock hey.

One dark and horrible day in work, well ok that was every day, but this particular one I just decided that I'd had enough. I couldn't stand the bullying and back stabbing anymore, and I handed in my notice. Yep, just like that, with no job to go to. Brave or stupid, either way I had to do something really quick. And I did.

I've always had a huge interest in girlie, pretty, beauty things so I thought what better way to combine my love of all things pretty with my own business. So in the middle of a massive recession, economic downturn and retailers dropping like flies, I decided to open my own shop, selling all things pretty and beauty like. Thus confirming that I am actually stark raving mad. Who in their right mind would open up as an independent retailer in the current economic climate? Yes, that mad person would be me.

But you know what, I love it. Some days are good and some days are bad. Some days I'm rushed off my feet and some days it's dead. But on the whole things are going ok. Could do better, but hey, I'm sure a lot of small businesses would be happy with ok and ticking over at the moment. January is a crap month for everyone so to hold your own during a quiet time I suppose is good going. And I've lots of great things on the horizon. I've put a little clue in the picture above as to what it is I do, and no, before you ask, it's not a real cake.

I do seem to spend a lot of time now reading trade publications and watching the news of retailers going bust and what can be done to boost the economy. I don't do online sales, mainly due to costs involved, but what I have noticed is that consumers have a huge lack of choice on the high street. It's no wonder that many are going bust given that what they offer is rubbish. I probably do ok because I have a unique product that isn't sold in every shop in town and it's at an affordable price. But when I look at the other high street shops around me I can kind of understand why people aren't shopping in their town centres much anymore. It's a great shame, and it probably will only get worse for many retailers. God love poor Mary Portas who makes some fantastic comments and generates great ideas, but unfortunately she's battling landlords, councils and consumer confidence. So for my part, please love and support your local independents and buy UK handmades!

Ok, economics for the day over. I'll do my brownie guide promise now and do my best to blog more and actually do a few more interesting things to get you all hooked on my latest goings on. But for now, I've got the books and ordering to do and come up with a plan for some marketing stuff. It's all glamour and sparkle at the rough end of owning your own business. So move over Lord Suagr, Yummy Mammy is on the up!

Go Get Me A Super Injunction!

2011-05-24T00:16:00.000+01:00

With all this talk of Super Injunctions all over the Internet I almost feel that I need one. Actually, in fairness, I maybe should warn a few people that they might need one. After all, I do share quite a few secrets online myself.

I feel sorry for poor Imogen Thomas. After all, I’m sort of in the same situation as her so I don’t think she should be being painted as the home wrecking so and so that some are making her out to be. In all honestly, what has she actually done? Ok, so if you’re the wife of said naughty footballer then you might think differently, but she has openly come out and said that she was in it for love. She didn’t do it to make a few quid from selling her story, or to make a bid for her 15 minutes of fame. She’d already done that, hence why she ended up in the path of a premiership footballer. Now in all honesty, his job title should have raised the red flags to her and run a mile, but she didn’t, and instead she fell in love.

And since when was that a crime? We’ve all done it, me more than anyone, and been charmed by some bloke, who promises you the earth, charms your La Senza g-string off you and before you know it you’re glued to your phone waiting for the next text or call to arrange your next rendezvous. Ok, so maybe we all haven’t done it, but I have so I get to have my say on this one.

So who is at fault? Let’s call a spade a spade here and be under no illusions that this footballer has gone down the legal path he has to protect his family. His wife already knew, and we all know that there is nothing more certain in life than the fact that infidelity will always out. For him, it’s all about the money and protecting his public image, his sponsorship deals and avoiding a very costly, public divorce. Is that a reason to put his other woman through the public humiliation of having her private life dragged through the mill? Is it hell as like!

But, lets also not forget, this guy is a role model to many a male football fan. It seems the norm these days for footballers to have affairs left, right and centre, it gets splashed across the tabloids for a week or two, and then we get another story. The wife forgives them, they go on a luxury holiday and then a few months later she’s pregnant again and they do a four page feature in OK magazine about how happy they all now are and what a terrible mistake it all was.

Sorry, but what part was a mistake or an accident? Was it a mistake when he charmed the girl, probably telling her he isn’t happy at home, but difficult to leave because of close knit family, job, money etc, but he wants to be with her? Was it a mistake when he booked hotel rooms or sneaked round to her place? Was it a mistake when he accidentally fell into bed with her? And if she meant nothing and it was such a terrible mistake, then did he consider his wife’s feelings when he was making this terrible mistake?

I think we know the answer to all of those questions is no. He’s an adult, a fully fledged grown up and quite able to make his own decisions and know right from wrong. So why are we, society as a whole so forgiving? And yes, I speak from personal experience here. I’ve been on both sides. I was on the receiving end when Batman took up with Wicked Witch. But for all the bitterness and anger there at least they’ve stayed together and he didn’t throw away our marriage for “a mistake”. And plenty of other couples have gotten together and become official couples following their affair. They even do it in the royal family. Just look at Charles and Camilla. So I’m not being naïve because couples do emerge from all sorts of different circumstances.

Now look at the ridiculous situation I’ve gotten myself into with The Foreign One (who btw won’t go away and after I ignored the phone he just rocked up at my door, but more later on that one). His girlfriend (and I really should use that term in the most liberal sense) has now caught him twice, and had it directly from the horses mouth so to speak. Yet she forgives and carries on. And I honestly can’t understand how or why she does it. He’s never there and when he is I don’t know why he bothers because he’s just texting me all the time. They literally do nothing together as a couple. The trust is probably gone and judging by his behaviour, so has the love. So why put up with that? Why not just pack your bags and get the hell out of there?

Because in today’s society, being single is viewed as wrong, abnormal, weird.

And that my friends is a fact. Being single is catching (and I’ve wrote about this before), and it’s something that nobody wants to catch.

Single people are treated differently to married people and those in what is considered a serious relationship. But how many of those people are in happy relationships? And how many are just turning a blind eye so they don’t have to be alone? So (and sorry I say this from a female point of view, because obviously I’m not a bloke) why are so many women staying in loveless, unhappy relationships? Women want to be treated as equals yet we are miles apart from men on this one. Men and women cheat for different reasons, but women are more likely to forgive whereby men aren’t so forgiving.

The likes of footballers wife isn’t going to end up penniless, so why isn’t she kicking him to the curb and singing all the way to the bank? And the very pretty Imogen Thomas should be singing like a canary and making herself a nice few quid out of all of this. After all, he’s thrown his money at the legal system, to basically protect his cash hasn’t he?

My point being, that stories like this will carry on and on. It will go on in every street, in every town the world over. Simply because it’s just accepted, people turn a blind eye, and when they see their role models getting away with it they think they can too.

What ever happened to treating the ones you love with respect and not wanting to do a single thing that could hurt or upset them? It would appear that these days cheating is just part of the course of a lot of relationships. But why? Don’t we all know that you don’t cheat if you’re happy and love and respect your partner?

And yes I’m a fine one to talk given what happens with The Foreign One. But if I ever got wind of him referring to me as a mistake or an accident then he’ll damn well need more than a super injunction to silence me!

Distractions; In Which I Go Comping (and that's not a typo)

2011-05-07T21:05:00.001+01:00

After last weeks posts I decided that the best way to keep a bad boy at bay is to find a distraction. It won’t particularly keep The Foreign One away but at least it will stop me from thinking about the stupid situation I’ve got myself into.

As for him, I was right in my prediction that he wouldn’t stay away for long and the texts all began again on Monday. He was very sorry, bla bla bla, and spent the rest of week acting yet again like absolutely nothing had happened. I decided to play him slightly at his own game and focused my end of the conversation on repeatedly asking when he was kicking the girlfriend to the kerb. After all, he hadn’t told me he was walking away from me and hadn’t acted like it either, therefore my presumption was that she was about to become toast. Naturally he avoided my questions so I just amused myself by keep on asking him and pointing out that I knew he was dodging the question. It’s pretty difficult to avoid or ignore him given that I see him every day and he can use work as an excuse to talk to me if I try to ignore him.

So until he has the balls to man up and answer my questions I’ll keep myself amused and find a few new distractions.

In my quest to find a distraction I read the Sunday paper. There was an article in it about a woman that enters loads of competitions and wins loads of groovy things. She just sort of sits on her laptop for a few hours every week and clicks on lots of things and the prizes roll in. She enters about 100 competitions a week and has won cars, holidays, money and lots things she didn’t really need but passes them on as birthday and Christmas presents. How cool is that hey? And these people that do this have a name, Compers.

So I’ve spent the last week being a Comper. It’s actually quite easy to find lots of competitions to enter just searching online, so I got click happy and sat waiting for the prizes to roll in. Nothing as yet, but I’m sure that if I click enough things enough times then I’ll win something eventually. And at least I’m doing something productive.

And speaking of productive, my next distraction.

I was having a conversation the other day with another blogger about product reviews. Personally it doesn’t bother me but I know some bloggers are quite anti them. I think in theory as bloggers we all know that we aren’t ever going to get rich or make enough to give up the day jobs by allowing companies to send us freebies or giving them a small advert space for £20.

From a Yummy Mammy perspective I haven’t posted any on here before because I didn’t think it sat well with what I normally post about. My readers come here to read about what bad boy I’ve got in tow, how much I hate Batman and my ongoing battles with Small Child, what drunken antics I got up to at the weekend and what clothing dilemmas I have. Plus my language can be slightly colourful at times so I doubt some very nice company trying to promote a product would appreciate that.

However that said, we are all more encouraged to buy a product if we know that a friend has tried and tested it first and liked it. And I like to think of my readers as friends, given they know so much about me, and given the responses I’ve had in the past over certain matters, they care. I get quite a lot of requests from companies and PR’s to do product reviews so I think, in my quest to find a distraction, it’s time to give it a whirl. But not mid post about some stupid bloke or when I’m having a bit of a rant or brain dump moment.

Instead I have set up another blog called Yummy Mammy Really Likes, check out the link to the right of your screen there. Naturally it’s still a work in progress so don’t be too harsh on the judgement. What I won’t be doing is plugging something that is totally irrelevant to the Yummy Mammy theme, so PR types beware when sending me details of bog brushes or camping stoves. If it’s something that fits with what Yummy Mammy is all about then I’m happy to have a look, or if it’s something to give away to like minded readers, happy days. And if I feel the urge then I might even just write about what tv programme I’m hooked on at the moment (although my latest thing has been The Only Way is Essex) so don’t be expecting to read about educational documentaries.

And the other distraction I’ve found? I’m going to give up smoking!!!!! My staff have been warned to not annoy me, I’ve been and bought all the giving up stuff, gum, tablets, inhalers etc, and I’ve worked out how much money I can save. It’s going to be mega difficult so I need to keep really, really busy and find lots of incentives to do it.

I’ll keep you informed of the progress and how long it takes me to kill The Foreign One.

Sometimes, You Just Can't Find The Words

2011-05-01T23:40:00.001+01:00

I know it’s been a while, well ok, a really long time, but as much as I’ve wanted to sit down and tell you all what’s been going on, I just haven’t been able to find the words. Things have been hectic, horrible, sometimes horrific and sometimes damn right ridiculous. I also think that it’s been really hard to find the words because it’s like telling your nearest and dearest that you’ve stuffed up.

I listened to everyone’s advice and did the exact opposite to what I should have done and the reality hasn’t been that great.

So rewind. After my last update and The Foreign Ones girlfriend finding out and thinking it would last a week with his whole staying with her and making a go of it, well it didn’t take long before he was crawling back again, although girlfriend was still very much a fixture. Nothing as such actually happened for a good while it was all texts and emails and flirting constantly. I pointed out quite a few times that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it and he said he knew this.

At the same time a very close family member became very ill and was in hospital for a good few weeks. Many a time I got a phone call at work to say they weren’t going to make it through the night and I’d sit there all night with them. It was a very horrible thing to watch as they had been an alcoholic for many years and it was finally destroying them. What I saw in that hospital was nothing short of horrific and deeply upsetting. Eventually I got the call to say they had died. In a sense it was a relief as they had been in so much pain and suffering and it was nothing short of a miracle that they lasted as long as they did. However their death coincided with my parents being on holiday and my birthday, so I had to make all the funeral arrangements and cancelled my birthday.

The Foreign One was great through all of this and really supportive and through all this we became very close again. Shortly after Christmas he admitted to me that he still loved me and that he couldn’t hold his feelings in for me. Before you all look away and think I did something terrible, don’t worry, I didn’t jump into bed with him again. But we remained very close and the calls, texts and emails where just constant. But the girlfriend remained.

Eventually it all just got too much for me and I couldn’t take it anymore, and then I did do something bad. I had an almighty argument with him, went home, and sent his girlfriend a message telling her everything. Quite literally everything, and even copied and pasted messages from him to me in there leaving her with no doubt at all as to what had been going on.

Ok, so what would any normal woman do in that situation? Me? I’d go ballistic, I’d have contacted me wanting proof and I’d have kicked his backside from here to next week.

What did she do? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

What did he do? Not speak to me for two weeks. I seriously thought that by me doing that he would have gone away and left me alone for good and never so much as send me a text or email ever again. He just blanked me for a couple of weeks and then it all just started again. It was like nothing had happened. Apart from a few angry texts at first and then that was it.

So at this point he’s certainly thinking he can do what the hell he likes. The girlfriend is clearly turning a blind eye to what he is doing and he’s still got me on side as well.

We started meeting up, just for a drink to talk, to try and sort things out. My point being that if he can’t stay away then he needs to do something about it. He told me that he felt that he couldn’t stay away from me but he still had feelings for the girlfriend. WTF!!! Nothing says I love you like having an affair. He just doesn’t get that people who are happy in their relationships just don’t cheat and don’t tell other women that they love them.

It got too much for me again, so a couple of weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum with a deadline. That deadline was yesterday and he isn’t here and I’ve heard nothing. We had a few text exchanges yesterday morning and it was pretty obvious that he wasn’t about to leave her. I told him just to tell me that he’d made his choice and he said he wanted to talk. I asked what about and didn’t get a reply. And still no reply. For someone that allegedly wanted to talk he doesn’t seem to have that much to say for himself.

So ok, I screwed up. I should never have gone back there. I should never have replied to his texts or encaged in any form of conversation with him. I should have stayed well clear. But I didn’t. I feel for someone I shouldn’t have done and yet again I’ve been left in no mans land.

I know damn well he’ll be back. He admitted that he can’t walk away and so far he’s proven that. I don’t understand the girlfriend, but then I suppose some people are that desperate and will turn a blind eye, but then my own behaviour hasn’t been great either.

I just wish there was a way to stop all this. I am hurt and upset with the way he’s behaved. I would of thought that given the “feelings” he says he has for me he would have at least had the balls to tell me his decision straight yesterday rather than going silent. But I know the silence won’t last, and when I see him again on Tuesday something will be said, or I’ll get an email going on as though nothing has happened.

I sometimes feel that no matter what I do, he still won’t go away or do something about it. I would have thought that after I told the girlfriend that would be it. But no. I made a joke at the time that I could murder his nearest and dearest and he’d still be back for more.

Perhaps the key is to do nothing. Maybe he needs a spell of silence and rejection to realise what he’s losing.

I just wish for once that something would go right. I’m getting an expert of getting things very wrong. Sometimes I’m just not very good at telling people no and standing my ground. I have too much faith in people and I’m too trusting. For all I know he could be spinning me line after line. But then I think, surely nobody could play with fire to that extent knowing that I already have and could well go and tell the girlfriend more and more. Would anyone be that stupid?

Shall we take bets on how long this spell of silence lasts?

Definitely Allergic to Bullshit

2010-11-03T23:26:00.002Z

Well the shit finally hit the fan. It would appear I was right about the gossip grapevine, although I didn’t quite expect it to work as quick as this.

To cut a long story short The Foreign One’s girlfriend found out. Well actually I need to back track slightly. First of all his sister found out. All sounds a bit Chinese whispers to me how it came about but anyway she heard about it. His sister is good friends with the girlfriend. So what do you think he did the minute his sister told him she knew? Yep straight round to mine as he “desperately” needed to see me.

A few days past, I was off work as small child was here so I didn’t see him and I didn’t bother contacting him. He text me a few times to see if I was ok but nothing major. Then he called one night out of the blue. The girlfriends best friend now knew. I wasn’t impolite but I pointed out that I had other things on at the moment, small child was far more important and that basically it was his girlfriend so his problem, not mine. He text me a few more times over the next few days and it became clear that the shit was hitting the fan. I stayed clear until small child had gone back. I was slightly annoyed as well that given he knew how hard it was for me every time I have to send her back and he wasn’t showing the slightest bit of interest, so wrapped up in his own self inflicted problems.

Eventually I spoke to him. The story went that the girlfriends sister had now found out and had told the rest of the friends and then eventually the girlfriend herself. He spent Monday feeling the worst he ever had in his life (awww what a shame) and then went home Monday night and confessed all. When I spoke to him Tuesday he seemed quite upbeat and happy and said that he and the girlfriend where now trying to work things out.

Now I’d like to think that most of us here are normal and of quite sane mind so perhaps you will also understand me when I say I’m struggling to believe some of this. Seriously, so if you, a woman, found out that the bloke you had been with for a year had spent the past four months cheating on you, and not just a kiss and a cuddle, we’re talking the full monty here, and with someone he is still going to see every single day, that all your friends now knew about, would you after hearing this news, within hours, tell the bloke that you forgive him and that you want to make a go of this relationship? I honestly can’t think of a single woman I have ever met in my entire life that would do that. I can think of plenty of women that would kick his sorry arse from here to next week, probably want to go and find the other woman and after long conversations with her friends probably plot and scheme against the bloke but then just dump him, call him every name under the sun and then never speak to him again.

Now, from a blokes point of view. You wasn’t happy in the first place hence why the affair happened, now you have supposedly confessed to something that all her friends know about and now your family as well. You aren’t Mr Popular all of a sudden. But after confessing you have (stupidly) told the girlfriend that you want to make a go of things and try and work things out. Low maintenance mothering type girlfriend has suddenly become extremely high maintenance that won’t give you a minutes peace, makes constant bitchy remarks and will start an argument at the drop of a hat. And every morning you go off to work, she no longer thinks work, she thinks other woman. Every time you’re late home, she’s just going to automatically think you’re off with the other woman and so on and so on. And the bit on the side you had that stopped you thinking about the problems you already had in the relationship isn’t there anymore to make you feel better. All you have now is the constant nagging girlfriend that is likely to erupt like a volcano at any given moment.

So the bit I’m not understanding here. Why was he so upbeat the day after confessing? Why does he think it’s going to be so easy to patch things up and move on? Given the way he’s behaved so far, why does he think that he’s now going to be able to stay away from me? And why is he also quite sure that his girlfriend isn’t going to come looking for me?

The only answers I can think of are;
a) He really is stupid and very naïve and the day after the confession was just the calm before the storm,
b) He’s lying and he hasn’t confessed all at all. The friends etc probably have heard something but he’s more likely to have lied his way out of it, in the hope that by telling me she knows everything that it will keep me quiet somewhere down the line as my thunder has been stolen and I’ve nothing to tell her anymore,
c) And as for the keeping away from me part. Ha! Does anyone actually believe that? As a male friend said to me this morning, if this is all true then it won’t be long before he starts wondering why he’s at home with not so great constantly nagging girlfriend when he could be off having good times with Yummy Mammy. No brainer hey! Oh and by the way, that isn’t me saying I would actually let him have the good times, it’s just based on what he will be thinking.

Personally I give it a week. Tops.

And as for me, I’m actually quite happy in the knowledge that in one way or another he’s gotten what he deserves, although slightly disappointed that someone else got to deliver the killer blow and it wasn’t me. He is now very unhappy, although he may appear upbeat, inside he’s either waiting for his lies to catch him up and waiting for the scorned woman to fully realise what he’s done. And we all know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And it’s not my guilty secret to live with anymore, it’s his.

Something tells me there may be fireworks this bonfire night.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers!

2010-10-21T22:47:00.002+01:00

But Interflora do!

So, what delights have I been up to now then hey?

Last week I received a massive bunch of absolutely gorgeous flowers in work. Scandal! The gossip grapevine went into overdrive to say the least. And prime suspect number one. Yep you guessed it. The Foreign One. It would appear that his behaviour around me these past few months had raised quite a lot of suspicion already. Flowers, now that tipped them over the edge.

So what prompted the flowers? Well he denies he sent them but now I’ll tell you what happened in the days leading up to Flowergate and members of the jury you decide.

The last I told you he’d gone off on holiday. I knew he wouldn’t stay quiet and true to form he text me while he was away saying how sorry he was that he hadn’t told me, he’d just not known how to tell me, knew I wouldn’t be happy about it etc etc etc. He came back off holiday and contacted me straight away pretty much saying he wanted to pick up where we’d left off.

Yep, Yummy Mammy saw red!

I told him in no uncertain terms that the girlfriend had to go. NOW! And if he didn’t tell her then I would. The next few hours after that was followed by lots of begging and pleading from him not to do it. I told him that if anything he had told me was true, if he loved me like he said he did then he’d get rid of the girlfriend and stop all this. He went on about how she didn’t deserve to be hurt like this, and I agreed with him. She didn’t deserve to hear it from me. She deserved to be let down gently by him. He said he couldn’t do it to her. I told him, tough shit, should have thought about her getting hurt before you did all this.

The next day, flowergate! The day is spent by him denying he’s sent them but also still begging me not to do it. I told him he had to the end of the week to sort it out. He said that he wasn’t leaving her and that me and him was over. Fine. Stay away, well away, I told him. Never text, call, email me again, in fact, don’t so much as look at me ever again. He agreed to all of this.

Guess how long it lasted, go on, I dare you, guess? A whole 12 hours! He was away with work for a few days. So he was going away with the threat hanging over him that I was on the verge of telling the girlfriend, and that I was very damn angry. Yet still he contacted me. I ignored him at first, but after the third contact attempt I replied telling him that I hoped it was his way of telling me he was sorting things out. Yep, guess what, he hadn’t and wasn’t. Yet he continued to text me, know full well that I was fuming.

And so it continues. Now, OK, before you say it, yes I should just ignore him and he’ll get bored. But in the greater scheme of things, I’m not actually in the wrong here. Plus, and this is the bad bit, the attraction is just so damn well overwhelming. I’m not stupid or looking at things through rose coloured spectacles. It’s like we fight like cat and dog but the feelings we both have just don’t seem to go away. And, call me naïve or stupid, but I do actually believe him when he says how he feels about me. There are some things that you just can’t fake. And when someone looks at you in a certain way, they don’t need to say anything. And as much as I should hate him, think he is the biggest dickhead known to man, like ever, I just don’t. I think he’s very damn stupid and being very naïve but I don’t hate him. I don’t particularly want him to go away either.

The gossip in work is now rife. A few people have asked him outright and he’s denied it all to them, but then they come and tell me straight out what he’s said and tell me they know full well he’s lying because they’ve been suspicious for ages. I think it’s small proof that these things never stay secret for long.

So, what do I do now?

On my last post one commenter said that I should listen to my heart, listen to my head and then ignore them both and go with my gut instinct. I hate to say it but my gut instinct is telling me that I’m not wrong and he really does love me. My head tells me to run a mile, although that will be hard since I see him every day and can’t really avoid him. My heart, well that doesn’t seem to be saying anything. Perhaps I am more cold hearted than I thought. My gut says that if all these feelings are real, and when he says this has happened because he’s been unhappy and has doubts about his current relationship, that it’s true and he’s not just feeding me a line, then things will work themselves out in the end. What will be, will be.

He keeps telling me this week that he’s feeling really shit about it all and getting cold feet. I think that’s more fuelled by the work gossip because for someone that feels so shit and has cold feet, he doesn’t seem to be stopping anything or running for the door. He’s had his opportunities to stop all this. He said he would stop. I’ve told him that if he feels that shit then he needs to do something about it. Yet again, he just buries his head in the sand.

I find that I can’t make any clear decisions about how I feel about him or what I want because there are so many unanswered questions and his situation just confuses me. Surely, if you are that unhappy with someone that you would be prepared to take all these risks, then you would want out of the relationship? Well I know I would.

So readers, it’s vote time. What should I do?

1. Tell the girlfriend. He’ll definitely leave me alone then and he’ll get what he deserves when she kicks his sorry ass to the curb.

2. Let the gossip grapevine do the job for me. These things never stay secret, his behaviour at home must be all over the place by now so surely the girlfriend suspects. The gossip will work it’s way back to her soon enough and then we shall see what happens.

3. Totally freeze him out. If he wants me that much he won’t think silence is golden and realise what he needs to do.

4. Delete him. Not so much as a sideways glance. And keep it that way permanently.

5. Bang his head off the wall until some sense has been knocked into him.

6. All of the above.

7. Some other words of wisdom anyone has to offer.

But on a brighter note, small child will be here next week. Yeah!!!!!!!! A very welcome distraction from all this I think.

I've Been Hanging By The Telephone

2010-10-03T22:17:00.001+01:00

I might as well just come straight out with it and admit it. I’ve messed up. BIG TIME! And now I’m paying the price for it.

The Foreign One progressed, quite significantly. Much to my better judgement I gave in and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I couldn’t place him as a player, he denied it quite vigorously that he had ever done this kind of thing before, and to be honest, I did believe him. He showed a lot of signs of guilt as to what he was doing and changed from day to day from being quite standoffish to completely full on. There was no consistency to his reactions and the way he was with me. I told him time and time again that it couldn’t go on and that he had to do something about it. I tried to stop it, quite literally all the time, but it’s hard to do when barely an hour goes by without contact or seeing each other. Sorry I didn’t mention the last time that he works at the same place as me. So yea, it’s pretty damn difficult to avoid him.

Then came the L word! He’d said it some time ago and I just sort of ignored it and let the moment pass by. Then a couple of weeks ago he sent me 80, yes you did read that right, 80 texts in one night telling me how much he loved me, that he had no doubts about it at all, that it was the real deal and he was very much in love with me. I weakened, because I felt the same way. Things had been so intense and everything building up to that had told me that he felt that way. I’m a believer that you can’t fake your body language and the look you have in your eyes when you look at someone you really do love. He ticked all the right boxes on this. The morning after that he turned up on my doorstep to tell me in person.

I told him, well very much stressed to him that he had to do something about it, and now. He was running the risk now of being caught, hurting the girlfriend a hell of a lot. He could do it all far easier now by doing the whole, sorry it’s not working, it’s not you it’s me thing and walk away, yes hurting her, but nowhere near as much if he gets caught. He agreed and went off home. I heard nothing for two days till I saw him in work. He emailed me to say that he felt that he should stay and work at his relationship and that maybe he had more feelings for the girlfriend than he’s realised. I replied saying that if that was the case then he told me a whole lot of lies.

The next day the emails and texts still continued and went on all week and by the weekend he was texting me again to tell me that when he told me he loved me he’d meant it.

My head was completely wrecked but I knew it had to stop in some way and the way things where going it wasn’t going to stop. So this last week I told him that we had to go completely no contact. Nothing at all, not a word. But the minute he felt that he couldn’t stay away any longer he had to do something about it. He agreed, said he understood and that it was the right thing to do. He broke it the following morning and when I didn’t reply two hours later he called to ask me why I was ignoring his emails. And so it went on all week until Friday when he seemed to get it and I heard nothing all day. I was ok with it, but also knew it wouldn’t last.

So yesterday I was in work and so was he. We chatted a bit but only the stuff that it was ok to say as other people where about. Everytime I looked up he was looking at me. You know those long lingering type of looks. Then completely by chance and probably by accident someone mentioned that he was going on holiday today! He hadn’t mentioned this to me at all so I correctly guessed that he was going away with the girlfriend. I couldn’t work out at that moment if I wanted to punch him or burst into tears. I got a friend to fake call me so I could get out of there pretty damn fast, but not before I’d dropped into conversation that I knew about his holiday. His jaw hit the floor and he mumbled a yes through the obvious shock of me knowing.

I was fuming, absolutely raging mad. At what point did he think I’d not notice that he wasn’t in work for a week or however long he’s going for? At what point did he not think to mention it to me? How did he think I’d react when I did find out or what lie was he going to tell me to cover it up? Like I said, I was fuming.

I went round to my friends house quite literally shaking with rage. I text him saying that I hoped he and the girlfriend (and I inserted her name because up to that point he didn’t know that I knew who she was) had a lovely holiday together, and added the obligatory kiss kiss at the end just for good measure. He replied a while later saying that it was interesting how I knew the girlfriends name and I replied just saying that I knew a lot of people. He came back with an ah right, any reason for the text. I didn’t reply and left it at that. Stuff him, he can go on holiday and worry about what or who I might know and what damage I could be doing while he’s not around. Plus according to one of my male friends, being away for a week knowing that he has now left things on very bad terms with me, probably unable to contact me as the girlfriend will be there all the time, having gone through months of being in constant contact with me, he’ll be pining for my attention and worrying at the same time as to what he might be coming back to. He won’t be enjoying his holiday one little bit. Good.

I gave in this morning, knowing that he was going today, and I text just saying that if he hadn’t worked it out already I’m absolutely fuming with him, not that he would care anyway. He hasn’t replied as yet. He can go and stew on that one for a week or however long he’s going for.

So now I feel like I’m hanging my the telephone waiting for some contact. Something has to happen. Right? Or maybe he will just bury his head in the sand and wait for his return and whatever fate he may have to face. And it’s not like he can just avoid me and not contact me ever again. We see each other in work every day. We aren’t in the same department or office but we are in the same building so we are going to see each other at some point and he does have reason to ask me stuff now and then about work.

Plus there is a whole lot of unfinished business isn’t there? My friend reckons that he just didn’t know how to tell me he was going away and hasn’t known for some time how to tell me this was coming up. It could also be the reason as to why he didn’t dump the girlfriend. Or maybe my insistence of no contact came at a really convenient time for him. But still he should have told me he was going away, even been a man and told me he wanted to make a go of it with the girlfriend. But to tell me nothing just isn’t on, especially knowing that I would find out and he would have to face me when he gets back.

There is also the line of thinking that now I’ve revealed that I do know who the girlfriend is that I should give him hell and threaten to tell the girlfriend. Well that is, only if he doesn’t dump her when he gets back off holiday. If he comes back, give him a week and if he still does nothing then tell him I want nothing more to do with him and tell the girlfriend. Big time bitch thing to do but if he still doesn’t do anything then I’ve nothing to lose and surely she deserves to know what he’s been doing behind her back? Or maybe that is just bad karma.

The couple of people in work that know about all this are struggling to understand what is going on here as they both agree that he isn’t a bad guy and given everything he has done and the way he has been around me and the things he’s said and the fact that everytime he’s agreed it had to stop he’s just come back again and again. One friend offered the suggestion that he never expected to fall for me the way he has but he also doesn’t know how to dump the girlfriend and is afraid of being the bad guy. Unfortunately what he isn’t grasping is that unless he takes action he is going to be the really bad guy.

To be honest, I also struggle to think he is a bad guy too. I’ve known a good few bad ones and players in my time and he just doesn’t have the same characteristics as them. He doesn’t use the same lines and he is nowhere near as careful as what they were. In fact, he isn’t careful at all. There is an enormous trail of evidence behind him that if the girlfriend did find out or I told her he wouldn’t be able to deny it in any way.

I think I’m also annoyed because moving here was my shot at having a normal life and starting again and in some ways if this goes wrong then he has ruined all that. I just feel that I’ve had too many knocks in life and something good needs to happen, and in all honesty I thought this was the good thing to happen at last. I don’t think I will be able to find it in me to forgive or forget and I will remain angry at having to see him all the time knowing what he has done, especially as he knows what I have been through and the current problems I am having with small child. I feel that if he did feel the way he said he did and if he had any heart to him at all, he wouldn’t do this to me, especially now of all times.

So what do I do? Do I tell or not tell (if it was me I’d be hurt but glad that someone had the guts to tell me)? Or do I give him the chance to make it right? Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him, not ask or tell him he has to chose, but tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to dump the girlfriend now (well when he gets back off holiday)?

One friend did say that this holiday may actually kill their relationship anyway. He is going to be moody as hell, distracted and not focused on the girlfriend. She may well smell a rat herself.

Or I could just completely ignore him permanently, which will be pretty damn hard to do and everyone agrees that there is no way we’ve heard the last of him. Ignoring won’t be an option in work either.

HELP!!!!!!! Seriously! What do I do?????

Dilemmas; Moral, Ethical and God Damn Karma

2010-08-18T23:46:00.002+01:00

If you are reading me for the first time then you might want to read a few other posts before you read this one. Or just don't judge me. OK? Good. And if you are a regular, then again, don't judge. OK?

So what have I been up to then? Well small child has been and gone. Don't think I can give you the full story on here so the regulars know how to get hold of me to get it all, but in a nutshell, Batman and Wicked Witch have finally, completely and utterly fucked up (excuse the language). There is no way they are going to get out of this one and finally, so finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally someone else, someone who has the power to make all this mess right, has paid attention, taken their head from out of the sand and thought they might just have gotten it wrong. Watch this space for further news but suddenly I think the end might just be in sight.

However there is a dilemma to it all. If Batman won't back down then the likelihood is the law will now be on my side. But if I hammer him with the law it could end up that he will lose small child for good. That isn't really something that I want but it may be how it ends. Although I do think with what is mounting in the background and what will happen over the next few weeks he may be forced into a position of backing down or face the legal options, which aren't too good for him now. Sorry I'm being cryptic but it's very dodgy ground at the moment and I don't want to chance fate. Anyway those that are in the know will know how to contact me. And for the rest of you, keep your fingers and toes crossed that small child will be where she belongs very soon and we can put all this behind us for good.

Right, love life and HUGE dilemmas.

Yep, another new man. We'll call him The Foreign One. I've known him about 6 months. Thought he was ok, nice bloke, easy on the eye, good to get along with, but he never showed interest so I never gave him a second thought. Until about 4 weeks ago. Suddenly the general conversation changed. It became very flirty, very quickly. Within a week it had moved from chatty email, to full on flirty email, to quite explicit texts. Suddenly I saw him quite differently and quite fancied him. Then he dropped the bombshell that he's seeing someone. Game over I thought. Well no, he stepped it up even more. He wanted to meet. On our own. I did. We kissed. Sparks! It was like a lightening storm.

I backed off a bit. It's not good karma is it. His pursuit became none stop. Emails all day everyday whilst I'm at work, texts all night while I'm at home. And the odd meet up, but still just kissing. He began to mention about meeting up for a night, a whole night.

Right stop! I put the brakes on. I was beginning to question if the supposed girlfriend actually existed or when he even saw her given his endless pursuit of me. Then the penny dropped. He wasn't living with her but she was at his pretty much all the time. And was sat there at home with her every night sending me some pretty explicit texts. So I asked about the state of his relationship. Was it serious? He said he didn't know. I pointed out that it couldn't be that great given his rather large interest in me. He ummmmmmmed and ahhhhhhhhhhhed a lot.

So then I got fed up and slightly bored of the endless chasing and feeling like it was all just becoming a whole load of talk. So I gave the ultimatum. If you want me that much then ditch the bitch or take the high road. He hesitated slightly and backed off - for all of 12 hours. He said he had reservations because I could well dump him in a week or two, plus he'd never done this before and had never cheated before (and this is actually true, I've done the research). I pointed out that I wasn't exactly thrilled about it either but since it was clear we had something going on, but I was going to get bored pretty damn quick if it was all talk and we just keep going round in these circles.

Now we are at this sort of standstill point. He says he wants the shagging part to happen but is hesitant because he doesn't want to cheat. But he is a bit afraid to take the gamble of ditching the bird. I've made it absolutely clear that the shagging part won't happen while there is a bird. So he continues to sex text me instead. I had another mood of I'm not playing this game anymore and leave me alone last nighgt. He said right fine if that's what you want. It lasted till 9 this morning when he emailed me. And so the emails went on all day and the texts have gone on all night. I've pointed out the dangerous game he is playing. It only takes the girlfriend to get slightly suspicious and question him or look at his phone and the game is up. And to be honest, if I was his girlfriend, I'd be suspicious of him by now.

So the dilemma. I should just walk away. Make it clear he's to leave me alone and ignore him when he does contact me. At least while there's a girlfriend. But we have established long ago that I'm not patient so if I did that under the disguise that I'm waiting for him to come running, obviously without him knowing that, it would last all of about 2 days before I gave in and replied to him.

Clearly he isn't happy with what he's got at home, otherwise he wouldn't be chasing to the extent that he is. So do I up my game and make sure the girlfriend ends up toast? Nasty I know, but then again when was anything fair in love and war? And my friend facebook stalked her. I'm not beating my own drum, and she may be a lovely girl, but well you know, I'm not Yummy Mammy for nothing.

I've done the nice girl routine so many times before, or not said what I want or not gone after the bloke I want. Perhaps it's time I did something about it? Or perhaps karma will come back and bite me right on the arse! Personally I think that if I take my foot off the gas, back right off, ignore a little bit, not play the game when he sex texts me or drunk texts that he loves me (yep he's done that one as well) and just sit back and wait for it to happen. I think it will. He's come this far and he did say that he thought his relationship was ok until he just saw me in a different light one day and now he's very confused. Bless.

Oh and forgot to say, he has had the opportunity to move this to the shagging stage, and he didn't take it, opting for the hesitating instead. Surely if he was a real bad one then he'd have just taken the opportunity there and then?

And just to add to the mix, Toyboy loves me this week as well! It must be some god damn great pheromones I have at the moment.

Damn Wedding Season Again

2010-07-15T01:07:00.002+01:00

You know the one thing I hate about the summer and being single? God damn wedding season. When you have to sit there, fake smiling and pretending that you are sooooooooo happy for the lovely couple, whilst secretly betting on how long it will take before they are hitting the divorce courts. Sitting there minus a plus one, after the weeks of run up of the smug marrieds asking if there is even a remote chance of there being a plus one. It just becomes a long day of an awful ordeal. And you go home more pissed off then when you set off in the morning because you’ve had all day to realise that all the smug lot around you have exactly what you want. And you go to bed (alone) wondering if your day will ever come. Well, come again in my case.

I wonder when life will ever get on an even keel again. It seems like so long now, well years actually since I just had a normal life. These days I long for normality. To not have complicated situations to explain when people ask awkward questions. To not have small child look at me for reassurance when people ask about our domestic circumstances. I'd love to have a normal family life, more kids, another husband, be a domestic goddess. Wake up in the morning and be happy to get up and go. Now I wake up each morning and dread what the day might bring.

It's not all bad at the moment. Small child is here and all is going well. Every day I think I'm a step closer to her wanting to be here full time. I had a wobble the other day when the house move nearly fell through at the last minute but that was all resolved in a few days and we will be moving into our gorgeous new house next week. I just wish that now, after all this time, things would fall into place. That I could start to get on with my life again and not keep putting things on hold because I don't know what the future holds. I also have the feeling of dread that small child won't choose to stay here and I'll have to hand her back at the end of the school holidays.

And yes, before anyone asks, I do still hate my job, but hey it pays the bills.

And as for the next question, no I still haven't managed to have a grown up conversation with Toyboy. Maybe he'll just become my one that got away. Because knowing me it'll take me about ten years to work out what to say and how to say it, by which time it will be too late, someone else, probably far younger, no baggage and far less hard work, they will see the fantastic person beneath the male bravado and snap him up quick, whilst I'm still thinking about telling him I still think he's kinda ok.

At what point do I just accept that this is the card I've been dealt and this is the life I must live? When do I stop trying to change what I don't like and start trying to live with it? Or do I just keep on hoping that some day it will all fall into place, that the sacrifices I have made will be worth it and the gambles I have taken will pay off.

And the more weddings I attend, the more engagements I hear about, the more pregnancies I hear about, the more I want to tell them all to go take a running jump and take their smug happiness with them. Seriously, why can't everyone be lonely and miserable like me? And I still have the problem of friends that think being single is catching. Mostly the same friends that shouldn't really throw stones when they live in glass houses, loose lips should never be tempted.

I saw a group on facebook the other day, ‘All my friends are getting married and pregnant. I’m just getting drunk’. Sums up my life I thought.

Do you know what I'd love? I'd love to be somebody’s pet project. I'd love some kind of super nanny for grown ups to come into my life and sort it all out. Find me a career that I'd love and enjoy going to work each day. Sort my mess of a love life out. Sort out my routine so my tan stays topped up and my nails in a presentable state. To keep my house to a domestic goddess type standard and my wardrobe in order so I can actually find outfits and not just resort to buying new when I can't be bothered to go through the pile of clothes sat on the floor in the corner. To find me time to write more and god forbid, actually finish writing a book before I get bored of it. OK, so in other words I'd just love someone to come round and give me a right good kick up the arse and keep kicking me up the arse until I become the person I should be living the life I should be.

Yep, and I thought it was only in children’s books that fairy godmothers existed? Anybody fancy being mine? Save me from bashing the bride and groom on top of the next wedding cake I have to look at?

One Year On From Heart Broke

2010-07-06T23:30:00.001+01:00

Secret Diaries of a Wannabe Yummy Mammy: Heart Broke

Anybody remember this from a year ago? Bet you can hardly believe it's been a year since I had to write the most awful posts. And I still can't believe how many of you came running to help. Like seriously! Who could ever believe that blogging about the most awful moments in your life could result in such huge support.

So a year on, what's changed?

Batman is still the biggest arse you could imagine, Wicked Witch is no better, and small child is now (temporarily) living with them. And for those of you that followed what happened you will know that in the end I couldn't stand living there any longer and decided to let small child go and live with Batman for a "try".

It's been hard not having small child around all the time, but it has also given me time to take a breather, not have the constant stress around me, actually live me life and enjoy some time alone and more importantly get myself well again. I now feel about a million times stronger and better than a year ago, albeit without my baby with me.

She is here at the moment for the summer so we'll see how it goes. I figure it's now or never if she is ever going to say out loud that she wants to live here with me. That's all it will take now and I will be able to tell Batman exactly where to go and keep her here.

So I'm now busy planning a great few weeks and hunting high and low for the kind of days out and experiences that money just can't buy. OK, so basically the money situation isn't that great at the moment (hate my job, hate my job, hate my job!!) so I want to do really cool, great things with her, for zilch pennies. You get the picture. Any ideas? Well send um on!

The problem with these kind of situations is that there is no quick fix. And the longer it goes on, the older the child gets the harder it is to move. Nothing is fair and unfortunately the odds are always stacked against the parent that wants to move, in this case move home. The law is outdated and judges tend to favour the local over the foreign national stood before them. We may all be in the EU but where family law is concerned, you'll be lucky to get out of the county let alone the country.

My advice to anyone that finds themselves in the same situation that I did? If I had my time again? I don't think I can answer that one online unfortunately, but all I will say, is don't be afraid to take your chances and don't be held hostage like I was for so long. Children do not belong to anyone. They are little people in their own right that we raise the best we can to send out into the big wide world on their own. Don't ever use them as weapons, as a badly fired weapon tends to backfire in the end.

Hopefully if I revisit this topic in a years time then it will be full of great news and a much happier ever after.

And for those that follow me really closely you'll also know it's a year since Toyboy declared his undying love............... I'll get back to you on that one xx

It's Only Three Words. How Hard Can It Be?

2010-06-29T22:43:00.002+01:00

Like seriously, its three words. Three tiny little words. How hard can it be? Quite possibly the hardest three words in the entire world to say. That’s what they are!

I've jumped the gun so let me rewind.

So I did the dating other guys thing. Disaster. Well probably not quite a monumental disaster but I had this moment, a sort of awakening kind of moment. I did the do with Sexy Older Man. It wasn't great to be honest, more of a kind of going through the motions sort of thing; I just didn't feel the love. I woke up in the morning and went for a wee. I sat there on the loo (sorry to be graphic but we all know that our best thinking usually happens whilst sat on the toilet) and suddenly I had this feeling and my inner voice spoke. And do you know what it said? Right I won't beat around the bush and make you guess. It said, "He didn't hold me after sex. He didn't hold me like Toyboy." And in that moment it hit me, quite hard actually, the ton of bricks things. I'm still in love with Toyboy. Very much in love actually.

So I sort of mulled this thought round in my head for a while. I didn't tell anyone. I wasn't ready to face the local gossip grapevine, because if I let that one out the bag it would be round the village and whispered in Toyboys ear before I finished my second sentence. I couldn't work out why I suddenly had this huge feeling of love for Toyboy. I really did mull over this. I spent quite a bit of time over analysing it. You see since I ditched Sexy Older Man I've kinda gone back to spending a bit of time with Toyboy. Not just me and him though, jeez that would be near impossible to get rid of his friends for longer than 5 minutes, but I have been seeing some more of him lately and we've been getting on really well again.

So during this getting on well again time I've been trying to pin point why all those old feeling have come flooding back, whilst also trying to hide those feelings. Kinda hard let me tell ya. And then I thought about what I'd really like from a man in my life. And the results? Ok so basically I'm the sort of person that needs my man to also be my best friend. I need them to also be independent from me and have a life of their own and let me have my own life. But I also want our lives to slot together nicely as well. I want my man to adore me in private, be loving, gentle, caring and more than anything, make me laugh and make me happy.

You see the problem is, Toyboy fits this perfectly. The reason we had so many problems in the last was because he isn't quite man enough yet to step up to the mark. He can do it. He has done it. I think I remember writing once about how much love he should me and how happy he made me. But then when he gets with some of his friends (who are terrified of losing him to a woman so will therefore do anything to cling on to him) it all goes out the window, the male bravado starts and he just won't man up enough to tell them to get over it. He gives this crap about not wanting a relationship, but I look around and see his friends getting married off one by one and I think at this moment in time he only has the one single friend left (also his supposed best friend that came between us in the past) if he doesn't get a shift on he's going to get left on the shelf. Plus the whole not wanting a relationship annoys me, because he's saying he doesn't want something that he's never tried. He throws out mixed signals all over the place. He's really just a typical immature bloke. He needs telling straight.

So what's the issue here then I hear you asking? It has to stop. One way or another, I can't go on like this. And if it means the friendship has to end, then as much as I don't want it to, then so be it. I don't think it helps in the moving on process to still be spending time together, and getting on so well. So I'm going to put my own fate into my own hands and just god damn tell him!

Awful brave for me don't you think!

Naturally I don't have a clue how to do it, what to say, how to approach it or what to do if it all goes wrong. However on this occasion I do have a back up plan for if it all does go very wrong.

Small child is coming here next week for the summer, so I figure that if I spill the beans to Toyboy in the next week and it all goes wrong, then I can simply go to ground and vanish for the summer whilst being a completely devoted Mum. Simple hey?

Oh as if it's that simple, but I have to do something unless these thoughts and feelings and utter confusion are just going to keep going on and on and on. So I'm either going to scare the living daylights out of him and make him run for the hills and lose my very good friend or I'll get the man back that I love so much and know that together we are great and he makes me happy.

Win or lose, one way or another, it gets sorted.

BTW - It's nearly a year since I wrote probably the most awful post ever. I'll update you on that situation next week or something. I still can't believe it's been a year since I thought my whole life was over. I'm mindful of the timing here as Toyboy changed a lot for me at that time. I had what can only be described as the worst week of my life and Toyboy sort of came along in the middle of it all and made me so happy. He made me happy at a time when I thought my life was over, when I was truly unhappy. And no matter what happens if or when I spill the beans to Toyboy, I will never forget the enormous hole he got me out of last year. I will always have a special place for him for what he did back then. And I know he doesn't have a clue what he did, he was just himself, but to me, he put me back together again and gave me back my life that I thought was over. Maybe that's why I still love him.

It's Not Catching You Know, Being Single!

2010-06-01T22:32:00.014+01:00

The funny thing about being single and in your thirties is that sometimes the smug married types around us think that being single is catching!

Oh yea, single, again! Well actually I ditched Sexy Older Man after a very poor performance at the wedding. No manners, head up his arse and well quite disrespectful really. Basically he loved himself (and his ex wife still) too much to love anyone else. So he got told where to go - via text. So modern of me hey. He replied, a week later! Asking if I'd calmed down yet. Go away I said, politely of course.

So back on the dating scene. I was sat in work last week, looking out of the window (yes I do lots of that) and I happen to notice a rather attrative work man digging the road outside. I observed him for a few days and then eventually after much twitching of the blinds I sent one of the staff out to find out the low down on him. This was then followed by a number of lingering looks (he gave them not me BTW), his foreman telling one of my staff that he'd take me out for a drink and today my phone number was handed over. We shall wait and see. Honestly, what is it coming to when I quite literally have to drag them in off the streets!

You see the problem is, I'm beginning to think that some of my so called friends think that being single is catching. Sometimes I feel a little bit under pressure to get myself any old man just to fit in. To belong to a certain group. I'm suddenly realising that my "friends" aren't inviting me to certain things because they do it in couples. Like, for example, last week, they all went for a meal. Nothing fancy, just a curry, and didn't invite me. I saw them all come in the pub afterwards. All four couples. It wasn't like I didn't know any of them or would have felt left out. But still no invite. I was then looked down upon because I was in the pub with a couple of girls who are younger than me. OK so a good bit younger, but I like going out with them. We have a laugh and a good time so I see no harm in going out with them. We only ever go in the local pub so it's not like I'm off out in nightclubs and stuff with them. Personally, I see no harm.

Whilst I was seeing Sexy Older Man I felt like I belonged to my old group of friends and they all thought he was great. Sadly, I didn't think he was that great. Then over the past week I've been getting on a lot better with Toyboy, not that he's about to come back on the scene, but since we were great friends before, I still want to be friends. Anyway, I digress. So the final straw was the other night when I was having a laugh with Toyboy and I got a filthy look from a supposed very good friend and was then "warned" to not even think about getting back together with him.

So what do I do? Get myself any bloke that my so called friends are going to agree to just so I can fit back in with my old crowd, even though I might not find said man quite so agreeable. Or do I carry on with my younger crowd of friends, probably distancing myself from friends my own age, and wait for a man to come along that is going to suit me just right?

I know that's an easy question to answer. I should do what is right for me. But in doing what is right for me I will probably end up being excluded almost from a group of friends that I have been friends with for like forever. And I know that if they are true friends then they shouldn't exclude me, if anything they should be including me more, making the effort. But sometimes I feel as though they think that my singleness will rub off on them and they will be tarred with the same brush. It sounds daft but the older singletons reading this will probably get what I mean. I just wish they would include me more and not judge me for preferring the company of blokes like Toyboy rather than their favoured choice of the likes of Sexy Older Man.

I suppose in the end a true friend would want me to be happy, no matter what form that takes or who with.

And Along Came Another

2010-05-09T21:56:00.005+01:00

In my attempt to be the worlds worst blogger I thought I'd try and make it up to you with a gorgeous picture of George. Swoon!

So lets cut to the chase and straight down to business.

For the past few weeks I've been dating an older man. Yes, no need to rub your eyes and re-read that line, I ditched the younger man thing I've had going on for a while and finally got myself an older man - a whole ten years older! So you might think that my going older I'd have far less dating dramas and it would all run far smoother.

WHO THE F**K AM I KIDDING!!!!!!

It's just more complicated! Throw in an ex wife, a couple of teenage kids, a man that's been out of the dating game for 20 (!!!!!) years and trust me, it's actually more complicated. Not that I'm complaining, well yea, I suppose I am, he is ever so nice, has manners, dresses well, good job and all the trimmings, has the sexy dishy older man thing going on (hence the George picture) but you know what, dating older is damn hard work.

I suppose my reluctance to grow up and behave like an adult myself doesn't help matters much but when he met me I wasn't exactly behaving like a grown up so the signs should have been there that he wasn't getting involved with the type of woman that was going to sit home and be a domestic goddess. But he really doesn't get this whole modern day dating game. And sometimes I think he doesn't get that I'm not the ex wife. Sexy older man may well be sexy as hell, but that doesn't cut it when he doesn't get that dating today involves using a phone!

And we all know at this stage that I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I think it's not acceptable to leave my bed and then not call for nearly 3 days. We've been "dating" and sleeping together for a few weeks now, at what stage do I get to exact my authority, demand full relationship status and tell him it's unacceptable to not call for a few days, regardless of how much hassle he's getting from the ex wife or how stressed he is in work. And does a man of his age call me his girlfriend? Or do I become a partner? What is the correct terminology to use?

So dear readers, any advice for dating a man 10 years older?

A big moment will happen next week. It's a mutual friends wedding. We had both been invited anyway, the couple in question are actually the ones that set us up in the first place, so the question is now being raised; Do we go together, as a couple, like together as in together, or do we both go and arrange to meet there, not so together? In my opinion, there is a BIG difference between going together and just meeting there. I'm right aren't I? At this stage, to me, we should be going together, as in together. I am really fed up of having to go to all these weddings and couple types events and either taking small child as my plus one or rocking up as the random single friend and sitting amongst couples all damn day and night. I've been the odd one out at weddings for years now. And for the past year that this wedding has been planned the couple have gone on and on at me about finding a date for their wedding. So now, do I have one or not? Is it acceptable to get to Wednesday and if there are no firm plans in place to go together then do I find myself another date? At this stage it's not going to be a romantic date, more bringing along a male friend to save me from couple hell. And sexy older man will probably also be there - alone - but I think that if he doesn't make the plans to actually take me, as in arrive together, then he shouldn't have the pleasure of my company at this important event to me.

I went on a bit there didn't I, but I guess you get the message. And I guess that by taking such actions I will probably be putting the kiss of death on this relationship but hey, I think I deserve to be taken and not just met up with, to an event that does mean a lot to me. Again, it's a step up or step away type of thing.

Some day I might actually get this dating / relationship thing right. But not anytime soon I guess.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel???

2010-04-11T18:35:00.008+01:00

The psychic woman had told me that when I saw the daffodils then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel. Now the weather has picked up there are daffodils all over the place. I took the dog for a walk this afternoon (yes I got a dog to assist with the sitting at home alone thing) and it was like there was daffodils around every corner.

But I'm still not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.

OK, so I'm in a shitty mood today because small child went back again yesterday. We've had a great few weeks together, and she kept on saying how much she missed me and would be ok moving over here. But she's terrified to talk to Batman, and until she does then nothing is ever going to happen. Then she goes back there, he's in her ear with his manipulating tricks again and suddenly there is no word of her wanting to move and she's getting fussy about when she's over here next. I felt like banging my head off a brick wall. It seems that no matter what I do, what I say, how much I work to reassure her and how much she tells me she wants to be here, the minute she's back with him it's all back to square one again. And unfortunately until the day comes that she will stand up to him and not give into his manipulation then this will just go on and on.

Sometimes I do feel like chucking the towel in and just concentrating on my own life, rather than continuing to put my life on hold until this all gets sorted. I always knew it would be a waiting game, but I think that at some point I have to draw a line and accept that it isn't going to get sorted any time soon, while she's still too young to understand. And I need to stop putting my life on hold and letting time just pass me by.

So my own life........... yea, light at the end of the tunnel - NOT! Perhaps I was taking the psychic woman's message wrong. She said that when I saw the daffodils then the greatest gift of all would be on it's way to me. But looking up what the greatest gift of all is on Google, the unanimous answer is love. Perhaps I was waiting for the wrong gift to arrive.

Which brings me to Toyboy. We've finally spoken about what his supposed best friend said. It only took me 3 months to stew on it then muster up the courage to speak to him. He says that he never said all that stuff and that it was his mate saying it from his own opinion based on an outsider looking in. He asked me if I believed it, and I told that I hadn't but had thought that if it was true then he was a bloody good actor. He laughed and said that I knew full well that he couldn't act as he can't even lie straight faced. He said he was sorry for his friend speaking to me that way and that he was sorry if he'd hurt my feelings, as he'd never set out to do that. We then started to get a bit of an audience, even though we'd made it pretty clear that we was sitting alone and obviously talking privately. I became conscience of the growing audience of his friends so cut the conversation short, pretty much leaving it up in the air and not really knowing what happens now. Do we pick up where we left off or are we back to being "friends". Remember last time we did "friends"? It lasted about a week before we was back all loved up again.

Me and Toyboy have always had communication issues. I'm pretty damn crap at tackling anything where he's concerned, which isn't like me at all as I learnt my lesson very hard through He Whose Name....... that if there is an issue, tackle it, say your piece and be done with it. But with Toyboy I find it very hard to get the words right that I want to say to him. Although when I text him the other day and said that I wanted to talk and do it face to face not over the phone he was perfectly fine about it and very cooperative. So it's not as though he's actually hard work or difficult when it comes to actually talking. The problem also lies that sometimes when we do talk, he says all the wrong things, annoys me because it doesn't make sense and then he doesn't know how to make it right. He even said that he's known for ages now that there was something wrong and that I've been decidedly off with him, but he just didn't know what to say.

And "friends". It won't work, I know it won't work. Together we are great, apart we are terrible, add in a few drinks and a bit of flirting, we could end up as friends with benefits. When we are together it is really, really good. We aren't awkward or picky with each other, everything is naturally and I couldn't ask for anyone better. Friends with benefits is not an option. Plus I think we need to be very clear cut about where the lines are drawn here. I don't want to be enemies either, and it's pretty damn hard to avoid someone in a village this size.

So what are the options then?

He says he doesn't want the whole full on relationship. But, and here's my point. If it wasn't true what his friend said and he's never used me at all, how can he say he doesn't want a relationship? How can you not want something that you haven't properly tried? I've always got the impression that this came from peer pressure and not what he actually wanted. Body language doesn't lie.

So, I think it's going to be another dose of courage for me and I'm going to say this; We either do the whole relationship thing, one step at a time, take it slow and not too full on, and we give it a try. If it doesn't work out then we agree now to not get into any he said she said type arguments, especially in public and not involve other people (this has always been a problem as well). It's our business, end of. At least if we try then we know if it's what we want or not. If he doesn't want to do the relationship thing, then we can't be friends like we was before. I honestly do not think we could go back to that now, too much has happened. We was the best of friends, but I think that when one side has feelings then it gets too messy. So unfortunately it will have to be acquaintances and nothing else, and a case of keeping the distance. Not easy round here but I'm sure it can be done. I'm sure other people manage it just fine.

So the psychic woman said that he would be the one giving me the ultimatum. OK, so perhaps she got us mixed up or something. Just a question, if anyone knows this, when you have these readings done I'm sure someone told me that it's usually for the next 6 months of your life. Anyone know if that's true?

I'm getting close to the 6 months now, so the daffodils are out, perhaps I was looking for the wrong gift and I also think it's about time I gave my life a bit of a jump start. I really don't think I should be sitting around waiting any longer and from now on I need to get out there and get something back for me.

I think it's about time Yummy Mammy had something good to write about hey????

xxxxxxx

I'm Not Seeing Any Daffodils

2010-03-15T22:00:00.007Z

Remember last year I had just about the crappiest Mother's Day on record? Well at least last year I got to see my little baby. This year - all I got to see was about 10 boxes of Kleenex.

This year was pure crap. It's little things like this that sort of creep up on me, take me by surprise and knock me for six. I thought, "Hey it's only Mothers Day, how bad can it be?" Ummmmm, try having to listen to every other mother in a million mile radius going on about how their little darlings got them this, that and the other, spent the day spoiling them, bla bla bloody bla. Ok so I sound like a bitter bitch. Yep, I am.

But one thing did happen. Remember how I went to see the psychic woman? And she said about seeing the daffodils coming up? Well, I've been getting a bit frustrated of late because with all the bad weather it's managed to kill off most of the daffodils and I haven't been seeing any sprouting. Actually I've been getting a bit obsessive about it, and been stalking the old people's gardens near my house in the hope of seeing just one single daffodil popping it's head up. Not a little yellow headed flower to be seen.

Anyway, small child was upset on Saturday while I was on the phone to her, saying she just wanted to see me on Mothers Day. Snap! She rang me first thing Sunday morning. I was still in bed sleeping off my very upset drink induced hang over. She was ever so excited and told me to get up and look out my front door. There, sitting waiting for me at the door was a beautiful plant pot full of daffodils. Well not quite sprouted daffodils, but nearly there ones. I cried for about two hours. She'd asked my mum to get me some flowers and my mum knew exactly which ones I would want to see.

I got home from work today and there was one, perfectly sprouted, bright yellow daffodil. Yep, I cried again.

Another thing that kinda got me yesterday was the way that people tend to bury their heads in the sand and just don't think. I'd have thought, well being logical I suppose, that it may have crossed my friends minds that it wasn't going to be the easiest of days for me. A bit like the days when I have to drop small child back to the airport, or her birthday that I didn't see her, or when she calls to say she's not feeling very well and wants a Mammy hug. You know just the small things that highlight the fact that I'm separated from my child through no fault of my own. But people just don't think. Actually no, I'm going to re-phrase that. People breath a sigh of relief. But I don't think they appreciate their own lives.

Right I'm not making any sense now. Basically I see people doing things that run the risk of ruining their lives. They have "perfect" lives. I say perfect, but hey, we all know that nobody has it perfect, but then in comparison to me, they have it pretty damn good. Nice houses, good husbands, kids, all the trimmings. And although they know about my own situation I don't think they ever stop for a minute and appreciate what they have. Yet they trust me with their secrets. Secrets that if they ever came to light would ruin what they have. And they never stop for a minute to think that I would probably cut both my arms and legs off to have what they have.

I'm not about to start going and divulging some major secrets, but at the same time, I just wish that people would give me the same consideration that I give them. It's the little things. Like calling me yesterday to ask if I was OK. Giving Toyboy a quick word. Actually taking two minutes out of their near perfect lives to make my life just a little bit easier for a while. Instead they lean on me, to guard their secrets, help them with excuses, listen to their "problems". They don't have problems. They have situations they create for themselves through their own stupidity.

You see, when you are that friend in need, it's easy to become isolated. It's easy to paint on a smile and pretend that it's all OK. When you have a friend in need, it's easy to casually ask if they are OK, but not actually engage them in conversation. It's easy to not think about how they might feel about something that you take for granted.

So if you have a friend in need, let me give you some advice. Take a minute to think about how you would feel in their situation. Take the time to ask them if they are OK, and mean it. Take the time to do something for them. Something small, something that will mean something to them. If you can help them, maybe having a word in the right ear, or helping them get the right advice, or doing something practical. Do it. Don't bury your head in the sand and be grateful it's not you. Because if the day ever comes when it is you, then you'll be thankful for the people that make that little bit of effort for you.

So sermon over, what else has Yummy Mammy been up to. In simple terms;

Toyboy - still a pain in the arse.
Mr Dishy - making the right moves again, but not actually making those moves forward.
Mr Ten Years Younger - remember him!!!! He wants to come over to visit. I'm still thinking about it.
Alcohol intake - HUGE!
Gossip - plenty!

And it's nearly Easter, so small child will be here again soon.

Until next time xx

Is Life Too Short?

2010-03-01T21:59:00.011Z

I won't even bother apologising this time. I say it time after time, and I know I'm crap. I am, THE, worlds worst blogger. I have my acceptance speech written on the back of a packet of fags.

Right anyway, I do have a valid excuse or two. Firstly I've had a wonky PC and a laptop that seemed to dislike the internet for some reason. Anyway, I'm hoping that is fixed and done with now. Next, I had the half term visit from small child. The past few weeks had been getting tough without her and she seemed to be getting a little bit distant on the phone. I was worried that she might be starting to manage without me, but I also worried about the influence Batman could be having on her. She came to visit and it was like having her back just the way she always was. Sometimes it's like dealing with a different child from when she's on the phone to when she's actually here. She loved being here and said when it was time to go back that she wished time would just stand still and that it went far too fast when she was here. She returned to Batman and back to being the child I hardly know over the phone. Can such a young child have such a split personality?

Next, love life is going crap. Actually, we'll come back to that.

So what has made me think that life is just too short? Firstly, I've had a close friend recently diagnosed with the big "C". It was fast and shocking and really stopped me in my tracks and made me think about a thing or two. All the things in life that you just never get around to doing. All the things you never say. All the emails you write and never send. All the texts you've wrote with tears in your eyes and then never sent. The chances you didn't take. The opportunities you missed. The mistakes made that you spend years paying for. And then you blink and realise you've missed so much. And one day you wake up and realise the years have passed you by. The opportunities you had at 20 aren't there anymore at 30. People that say they have no regrets are lying. At some point in our lives we all have them.

Then I decided to give my own head a good old bump and ended up in hospital and wasn't too good for a few days. Who knew a bump on the head could make you feel so crap! So while I was sat in A&E for 6 hours with all sorts of worries going through my mind I also had the time and the peace to have a good long think about all the could / should / would things in my life.

So long and short of my friends terrible illness, my own bump on the head and a few days to think through what it is I need to do to get up off my arse and start making my life work for me and not just let it pass me by, is, well, ummmmmmm, I'm not actually too sure.

First things first. I promise to start blogging again, and doing it properly.

Next, I've been talking with a friend about going into business together. It's a bit of a long shot at the moment, but I think it's the right way forward. Being someone else's wage slave hasn't suited me for a long time now, and I can't see it ever really sitting right for me. Being a single parent it's increasingly more difficult to keep some sort of work life balance, so I need to find some balance, quick, hopefully in time for when small child starts making some decisions about where she's going to be living.

Last, the dreaded topic. The eventful, always traumatic and never straight forward, overly complicated and a natural disaster zone - the love life.

Mr Dishy was a no go. Probably extremely eligible on paper, would tick all the right boxes in a questionnaire of what a single girl like me should be looking for. But in truth, aside from him being dishy, there wasn't much else or form of spark there. Actually, if I'm going to be honest, he sort of bored me a bit.

So why would a perfectly normal, highly eligible, single bloke not float my boat?

Bloody Toyboy!

OK, so I shouldn't get all hung up on a bloke that isn't worthy of the attention and the mind time I devote to him. But I still haven't told him about what his supposed best friend said. I didn't speak to him for weeks, which was actually really hard especially given the amount of times I saw him and had to walk past him without saying a word. Eventually I gave in and text him and said that I didn't like this not speaking thing. He did reply and now we are back to general conversation. Last week I thought we was making some more progress. He was out with a different friend, not the supposed best friend, and he behaved so differently towards me. I'd actually go as far as to say he flirted with me. It was like we'd gone back 6 months and back to how we used to be. This week, different story, and in front of his supposed best friend, he behaves like a complete idiot again.

Trouble is, turn the clock back 6 months and I know how good it was. And so long as I keep seeing him all the time, which I'm bound to do now I'm back in one horse town, then the thought of knowing just how good it was will always be there. Every time we have a passing look at each other that goes on for slightly longer than a brief glance, that spark will be reignited. Well in me it will. And last week, I saw that spark in him too. I've tried not to over analysis stuff, but it's there, I know it is. You know when you just know that something is right.

I've spoken to a few friends that know him too. They all say to just bide my time and let Toyboy do things in his own time. Remain being natural and stay the same with him. We are supposed to be friends after all. The time will come. After all the psychic woman told me to hang on in there with him.

Patience has never been one of my strong points so I haven't got a clue where I'm going to find some from. But at this moment I don't think I should give up on something, someone, that made me so happy and that I know can still make me happy. People keep telling me to just talk to him. But I don't think I should force the issue with him. I don't think there will ever be a good moment to tell him what his supposed best friend said about him. He knows now that there is a reason why I stopped speaking. It's up to him to ask me in his own good time. I just hope he gets a move on about it.

See what I mean about the could / should / would? A life with regrets is the pits. I have loads of regrets from the past. I'd sort of like to have a future without them. I'd like to not regret doing what I have had to do with small child. I'd like to not regret giving up my glittering career in search of some work life balance and I'd like to not regret not giving up on Toyboy.

And if Toyboy finds another Yummy Mammy in this one horse town, then good luck to him. But I'd like to think he'd spend a very long time looking for a Mammy as yummy as this one.

Having It All? Not A Hope!

2010-01-16T16:18:00.003Z

I'm going to have a whinge and a moan. I apologise in advance.

I've touched on this many times before, but I keep having these little wake up calls lately that have set me thinking that maybe, well probably, I need to let something go, because, quite honestly, I simply just can't have it all and do it all.

I need to explain don't I? Yes.

We all knew that this move was one hell of a leap of faith, and I still 100% believe that I have done the right thing. However, I now think that my expectations may have been slightly too high and in order to carry on and stay focused, then I'm going to have to lower my expectations, and probably by quite a bit.

I suppose by any ones standards I took a lot on all in one go. After all I did move country, move house, start a new job and hand over the care of my child to Batman, all in the space of a week.
Probably all the most stressful things that anyone can do in their lives, and I did it all in a week. I rode the wave of excitement for a while wondering what would happen next, but now it's all about reality and what is actually happening.

We know the love life has pretty much gone tits up, and it took an even worse turn last night. I've still not spoken to Toyboy. The more I thought about what I'd been told he's supposed to have said, the more it upset me. So at the moment I just can't face talking to him. I've seen him a few times and literally ignored him. I suppose at this stage he now knows I'm ignoring him, and I don't know if he knows why I'm ignoring him, and I dare say that's something that is going to be remarked upon sooner or later. And the trouble is, I miss him like mad. Not the relationship side, but I miss him as a friend. But I just can't get over what he's said at the moment so I guess I'm just going to have to keep it all in check until the day comes that he either asks me about it or I feel I can speak to him about it. Either way, there is no way back now, it's gone and it's over.

So Mr Dishy. Well I've managed to stuff that up as well. See I got the impression that he was slightly wary anyway because of Toyboy, well naturally he would be when we are all in the same small room of the pub and can hear each others conversations. Last week I really thought that things may have been moving in the right direction with Mr Dishy, until what looked like he got cold feet at the last minute and I was swiftly bundled into a taxi home. Then last night, well I still couldn't weigh him up. Actually back track a few hours. I saw someone yesterday afternoon who knew about the me and Mr Dishy thing and they asked if I'd spoken to him. I gave them a vague response. They are also friends with Toyboy. They then told me, and I quote "Oh yea he has a girlfriend now doesn't he. Someone he met on holiday that he's now with and going away with next weekend!" Again, I remained vague. After all, it was news to me!

Back to last night. So after closing time and a few of us end up back in Mr Dishy's house. I'm having a laugh and a bit of banter with one of his friends. Well, actually, his friend was trying it on, but I didn't realise until it was too late and Mr Dishy was making a remark to someone else that basically consisted of him not being very happy by it. A taxi was called and I was bundled off home again, with his friend still trying it on asking if he could come back to mine, and I pretty much ran off when the taxi got to the bottom of my road.

Not good.

Oh and Mr Dishy did mention something about being away next week, but no mention at all of a girlfriend or even meeting a girl.

So now I'm not happy about all this and I'm half in mind to either casually pop round to Mr Dishy's (as I'm just passing) and apologise for last nights behaviour and if he got the wrong impression, or send him a message or something. I may or may not see him tonight, and quite frankly I think at this stage if I do see him then I might as well spill the beans and tell him everything. If I make a complete arse of myself then hay ho, I've nothing to lose now have I? I think my pride and my dignity went a long time ago.

Right, other matters that are getting to me at the moment. Work. The job is fine, but it's bloody hard work and a lot of pressure and long hours at the moment. This is something that I really don't want once small child moves and I'm almost thinking that maybe it's about time to ditch the career for a while and concentrate on being a mother. Down side to that, as always, is money. Without the good job and high wage, the nice life I am building for small child to come to will all be gone. I have to be able to provide a good standard of living to keep Batman happy. I also have to show that I will be there for small child, to keep Batman happy. Keeping Batman happy and keeping my job will not go hand in hand. Something will have to give. I have some tough decisions to make over the next couple of months.

I knew all this was never going to be easy, and some days I do have to admit that I get quite down and wonder if I've done the right thing. It doesn't take much to upset me and the slightest thing can send me on a downer. Things that previously I would have shrugged off and not given them a second thought. I suppose I have good days and bad days. Today isn't a great day I guess.

You know when you just want to ask God (or some other praying to type of person) to just give you a break? I know I've asked before, and maybe I've had my breaks without realising them, but now I think it's about time that I had a little bit of happiness in my life. Something to be happy about and put a smile on my face again. I'm getting good at painting over the cracks and letting the outside world think that everything is ok, well, when, lets face it, it's clearly not ok.

So today my downer consists of thinking;
A) Being a single parent is shit. I can't have a decent career or earn the money I am truly worth, and provide in the way I want to. I can either be a mother or have a career. I can't have both.
B) I can't have a relationship. End of. It just doesn't seem to happen for me. No decent bloke has looked at me twice in a bloody long time. I'm either going to be eternally single or make do with second best.
C) I'm lacking focus and struggling to find it. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and soon.

Moaning over, I'm off to get ready for tonight's adventures, and I really hope that I don't manage to make things even worse for myself.

New Year - New Start - Again?!?!

2010-01-03T22:54:00.003Z

Happy New Year to you all, and yes, I officially now take my award for being the worlds worst blogger. I'm getting so rubbish at keeping you updated. Sorry. Really must try harder at that one.

So, what's occurring? (yes I am sooooooooo sad to see that back of Gavin and Stacey, sorry US readers, you really won't get that one).

OK, so I think I can officially say;

a) 2009 was an absolutely awful year
b) Toyboy is a prize wanker (sorry for the language but I can't think of anything else to call him)
c) I really do hate snow and ice
d) I haven't made any new years resolutions cause they are all crap and I never stick to them
e) come back to you about this one as I can't think of an E right now.

Christmas was great. Small child came over, after a battle with the snow and a minor nervous breakdown with me glued to the weather reports. She went back to Dublin yesterday, and yes, I cried bucket loads, even though I was trying not to, and she was so brave and more concerned about me and getting all worried about me. I wonder sometimes who is the grown up.

Love life - well that sucks as ever. Toyboy's behaviour got even worse. His supposed "best friend" thought he was doing me a favour by telling me what Toyboy says to all his friends about me. Wasn't very nice at all. I have been told by some of my own male friends that it sounds to them like a load of male bravado and lads talk and not to take it all to heart. But at the end of the day, Toyboy has said those things and whether they are true or not it doesn't detract from the fact that he has said them. But because it's been the season of good will and I couldn't be bothered with a whole load of drama to deal with as well while small child was here, and also because it was his best friend that told me, then I've kept my mouth shut so far. I have however been quite stand offish with Toyboy over Christmas and New Year and made no effort with him at all. I haven't so much as text him. Naturally I've seen him out and about a few times, but again I made no effort. On New Years Eve he decided to encourage the local dirt bird to literally paw him right in front of me. I think this was a childish attempt to get a reaction from me. Instead he got a reaction off a number of other people telling him he was out of order behaving like that in front of me. I said, quite loudly making sure he could hear, that the dirt bird was welcome to him and if she wanted to be treated like shit then to go ahead and be my guest.

I will get around to saying something to him, something that will probably end in off. His "best friend" (I am using that term quite loosely as well lets face it, friends don't spill the beans on each other like this do they!?!?) had become aware of the attention I was getting from Mr Dishy over the past few weeks and told me that he wanted me to get with Mr Dishy and show Toyboy up in public by not actually telling him that me and him was over. I'm guessing myself that Toyboy will have gotten the message by now without me having said something. But as far as remaining friends - nope - to be quite honest, I think I'd struggle to have a civil conversation with him at the moment, maybe in 10 years time or something I'll muster a "Hi, how are you keeping?". But for now, I'd rather just not speak to him, for what he has said doesn't make him a friend at all.

And as for Mr Dishy, well he bogged off on holiday over Christmas so I've absolutely nothing to report there. Although I did briefly see him on Christmas Eve and he made the effort to come over and chat to me and spoke to small child, even though he'd never met her before. So that was nice.

I was ear marking this coming Friday as my day to tell Toyboy to **** off, but BFF pointed out to me that this coming Friday may also be the next time I see Mr Dishy out and about and maybe my efforts would be better focused on him rather than a show down with Toyboy.

I'm not usually one to be nasty, but I think in this case I may just blank Toyboy, focus my attention on Mr Dishy and let Toyboy either work it out for himself or have the guts to say something to me. I don't think Mr Dishy would find it attractive me having a show down with Toyboy and then immediately turning my attention to him.

After living in a city for so long, where it is relatively easy to dump someone and then avoid them, I now have to try and do this in my tiny little village, with the one pub that we all drink in, living just streets away from each other, using the same shop and petrol station also. Well I'm sure it'll make for various forms of entertainment.

So what for 2010?

I seriously do not have a clue. The one thing I hope for is that small child is finally resolved and she'll be here with me all the time sooner rather than later (and yes I did spoil her rotten at Christmas and made sure I completely out did Batman). I also think it's about time I settled down a bit and focused more on my needs. I've been doing this flighty thing for too long now and not realising that I do actually want to love and be loved again. Perhaps I should look at my choice of men a bit harder in future. I know I did think that Toyboy was ideal at first, but when there was warning signs I didn't act on them and be firm about what I wanted. I let things go and hoped it would work itself out. So I think whatever man does arrive on the scene in future I have to be clear about what is acceptable and what is not.

And I've also started to realise that small child doesn't just need me. She needs stability, security and she wants a family. That is what appeals to her with Batman. She has a family unit there and she likes that. And that is what I should be looking for. So I know for the past two years I've started this blog after new years saying that this would be the year that I'll find a decent man, but this time I think I need to get serious about it and actually do it, rather than concentrating on the good times and having a laugh, I need to think more about the future and what a person can offer me, rather than the here and now.

It's time Yummy Mammy settled down!!!!

And for my next trick I'm going to pull a suitable eligible bachelor out of a hat along with a white rabbit.

Another Year Older - Another Year Wiser?

2009-12-14T15:23:00.005Z

Firstly, apologises for not getting back into the swing of blogging and keeping you up to date. However, I have been busy having a birthday and creating more scandal than Jordan in a copy of OK magazine.

So, you may ask, what on earth have I managed to do this time? Sitting comfortably, coffee, fags, wine? Good. You know I tend to go on a bit sometimes.

Like I said, I've had a birthday this past week, notably my own. So the question remains, now I'm another year older, am I another year wiser? Answer - Am I bloody hell as like!!!!!

I suppose I don't really have to go down the line of telling you we was in the local pub, lots of drink, very drunk. That goes without saying. Now for the gossip. Bloody Toyboy!! Most disappointed in him. I've told you many times before about how he seems to struggle in public. That he will spend an entire night ignoring me to then find me at going home time and not even think for a second that I might be a bit miffed that he has hardly said two words all night to me. So given that it was my birthday I thought he might make a little bit more of an effort. Not a hope! He was actually worse than usual, but I think that was more because I was probably expecting more, but anyway, that's not the point. Quite a lot of people had made the effort to come out, which was great as having a birthday near Christmas is a right pain as nobody can ever come out. But this year, being my first year back home, people made the effort and I was suitably impressed. But not impressed one bit by Toyboy. Quite late on, one of my friends, rather drunk, decides to have a right go at him for his lack of effort, for not even getting me a birthday present (!!!!! I know - shocking!!!!), for then not even wishing me happy birthday, and then not so much as buying me a drink. Now, my friend was drunk, and it probably wasn't her place to have a go, but honestly, she was actually right in what she said to him, he gave me a look of "shit, what have I done, and what did you expect" I think I gave him a bit of an evil look, and he took the hump and left! Not heard from him since.

The point being, that if he can't make the effort for my birthday then when can he? Christmas, New Year? Well we've that to get through now haven't we, so we'll see.

However, let me now tell you about Mr Dishy. Another local, slightly older than me, single (this is a rare thing in my village, finding a male in their 30's that is not only dishy, but suitable and single!) and has been paying me rather a lot of attention for the past few weeks. Over my few nights out for my birthday he has made the effort and been there every night, even getting his friends to change their plans on one night so they could all come out with us. The attention thing has been brewing for a few weeks and on one of the nights BFF burst out laughing and said that the cat had been well and truly put amongst the pigeons. Toyboy had clearly spotted Mr Dishy paying me some attention and BFF said his face was a picture. He wasn't impressed. Yea, but not impressed enough to make the effort himself.

So come the night of my actual birthday, lots of us are out, and Mr Dishy hardly leaves our company all night. Him and all his friends bought me drinks all night, sang happy birthday and gave lots of hugs and kisses. Toyboy did none of this. And he couldn't use the excuse that I was surrounded by people he didn't know as he does know them all, and was actually chatting to Mr Dishy at one point (bizarre I know!). Plus all my usual crowd of friends where there as well. He had no excuse at all. Then my friend had a go at him and he left.

Come silly o'clock and going home time and it's left to Mr Dishy to walk me home. Cup of tea. Nothing else. He was a gentleman. But he did make his feelings clear. I had to tell him about Toyboy. He said that he didn't even know we where together and wouldn't of even guessed by the way he is with me in public. He thought we was just friends. I told him that I was sick of being treated like this and probably did need to sort it out. He agreed. Of course he agreed! With Toyboy out the way then the path is clear isn't it. He did leave shortly after this conversation, and I did that damn, damn, damn thing, you know where you close the door and go damn, damn, damn to yourself. I thought I'd proper blown it, scared him off big time. Not that I would have done anything anyway, I'm not about to go shitting on my own doorstep, and in a village this size something like that could actually cause major friction. But he is rather nice, OK so he isn't Toyboy and I don't think I get the same buzz from him as I do with Toyboy, but he is actually alright and I suppose there is no harm in keeping my options open. Anyway, I digress. I thought I'd blown it. I got a friend request on facebook off him this morning.

Last night, out for a few drinks, and I got chatting to one of Toyboys friends. Few more drinks and we ended up having a deep and meaningful conversation about the state of our relationship. He told me that I really should sort Toyboy out. As long as he'd known him he'd never seen him as close to a girl as what he is to me, and that the last thing he wants is for it all to be over, but he just doesn't know how to handle it all when - get this - his "friends" are ready to take the piss out of him at every opportunity, and it's all a front and a face saving thing when he does the whole ignoring me in public thing. By the way, these are the same friends who I also know, and are quite happy coming round to my house at night for drinks once the pub shuts. This friend told me that it is driving Toyboy mad the amount of attention I am getting from the local males (I hadn't actually realised just how much I was getting until this was pointed out to me) but he isn't confident enough to stand his ground with his friends and be the bloke he actually wants to be when I am there. The friend told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to Toyboy and I should sort him out and not walk away from him, because as much as he won't admit it, he needs me and he'd be absolutely gutted if I left him. The friend said that I shouldn't go off with Mr Dishy, as much as it looked the better option, as me and Toyboy are about as perfect together as you can get. But he also said that he didn't have the first clue as to how I should go about sorting Toyboy out. He did say though that he'd try dropping in a few comments and play a little cupid.

So ladies and gents, with Christmas round the corner, New Year beckoning, is this the right time to go sorting all this out, or do I leave it be until January and then tackle it, or do I take the bull by the horns and tell Toyboy that it's the perfect time of year for him to buck his ideas up and sort himself out or come January he'll be in the bargain bucket of exes all alone?

Guess What? I'm Back - In At The Deep End

2009-12-05T19:05:00.005Z

Oh my goodness gracious me! How long has it been? Too long. But now, by the wonders of BT I'm now back online, in my new house, in my little village, in England. Yes girls and boys - I'VE MOVED!!!!!

I actually don't really know where to start updating you, so I suppose I should do the general highlights first.

* Moving did not go quite so smoothly. An extra van was required at the last minute, I realised I had far too much stuff and even now, I still haven't finished unpacking.

* I've started the new job, been there 4 weeks now and all is going well. Long hours and loads to learn, but I'll get there in the end.

* I've moved into my new house, which although still needs quite a bit doing to it, again, I'll get there in the end. And I do quite enjoy the endless stream of workmen rocking up at my front door. But the house is just a stones throw from my Mum and more importantly, that little local pub where all the gossip happens.

* Small child isn't settling so well living with her Dad (bad for her I know, but in the long run this will be good) and it's now just a matter of time before she throws the towel in and tells him she doesn't want to live with him. She'll be here for Christmas, and I can hardly contain myself with the excitement of seeing her. I miss her like mad though and some days are harder than others, but I know now, more than ever, that I've done the right thing and it will all work itself out and be for the best. Like I've said so many times before, I just have to play the waiting game.

* And Toyboy - the bit you're all waiting to hear about. So here goes;

It hasn't been all smooth going and we've hit a rock or two since I moved. Instead of doing the usual girlie thing and confronting him or having the whole "talk" thing, I've just left it and let everything happen at it's own pace. And I was right. I've just gotten on with my life and let him come to me. And he has. Slowly but surely things are starting to go alright. I've still not got the official girlfriend title, but all in good time. I think it took him a bit of adjusting to get used to me actually being here. And if I'm being honest I think I'd built things up in my own mind thinking that everything would fall into place from day one. I got frustrated after a couple of weeks that not everything was as I would like it to be, but then I realised that I didn't really have the time nor the inclination to have a person in my life all the time that I had to consider. I took a step back - and he followed.

He's following now, in his own slow way, but I think baby steps are the best way from here. After all, it's not like I'm getting on a plane to go anywhere anytime soon.

And you know what? I'd be lost without him. He probably doesn't realise it, but since I moved he has been an enormous source of strength for me. It's not that he's done anything specific, but I know that if I'm having a down day and missing small child, then he's there, not for me to cry on his shoulder, but to cheer me up and just be his normal self. And as much as he annoys me sometimes, does and says the most stupid things, frustrates the hell out of me, I wouldn't be without him, not for anything.

I went to a psychic night a few weeks ago. I'm not normally a great believer in them so I told the woman absolutely nothing and let her do all the talking. She told me things that there was no way on earth she could have known, but she told me two things that when I'm having an off day or things get hard, I think about and now truly believe.

She told me about Toyboy and that at the moment I would put things on a back burner. Not in the walk away from him sense but not concentrate on the relationship. She told me not to be put off by his immaturity and to keep him in my life as sometime soon he would give me an ultimatum and want to know if I wanted to be with him or not. She told me to hang on to him as there was real potential there and we would be together for a long time and be happy together.

I questioned at first if it would be him giving the ultimatum and not me. This puzzled me for a while but now I see it. I have subconsciously been putting him on a back burner and not concentrating on the relationship as I had before. And now I see that the time may come when he will be asking me, and not the other way around. But the psychic can rest easy. I do plan to keep hold of him.

The other thing she told me, and this was the bit that convinced me she was genuine and to believe her. She described small child perfectly. So many things about her and Batman she got spot on. She told me that at the moment I sometimes feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel where small child is concerned and that sometimes I think the battle will never end. But she told me to stay strong and just keep focusing on the end result. And that once I saw the daffodils coming up in the garden then the greatest gift of all would be on it's way to me and that would be the light at the end of the tunnel for me.

The next day I got my dad to plant daffodil bulbs in my garden.

She also told me that I was juggling a lot of things at the moment and most people concentrate on just one area of their lives at a time. But I was juggling home, relationships, family and career and I should deal with one thing at a time, put the nails in the coffin to hammer down the problem and then move onto dealing with the next thing. So right now I'm concentrating on the career as everything else is sort of beyond my control and for a lot of the other things to work then I have to stick at the job and make it work.

So I've taken the advise of a psychic woman - lets just hope she's right! I may have been thrown in the deep end, and as sinking is not an option then I have to swim very damn good, but if there is light at the end of that tunnel, then by god I will find it.

I do have loads of other things to tell you about. The local pub has been a hive of activity and the gossip has been flowing out of the place. But I'll do all that during the week.

But for now - it's good to be back xx

Yummy Mammy's New To-Do list, by Expat Mum

2009-11-04T02:22:00.001Z

Right, now that I’m back on terra firma (ie. England) I’ve got another to-do list to work through. It goes something like this (introductory piano tinkle)-

-Change name. I can’t go around calling myself “Mammy” in England. Someone will think I’m Irish, or even worse, from the north east of England, (no offence Expat Mum). Unfortunately if I become Yummy Mummy that will give people the wrong impression and I’m not sure I’ll be able to live up to the name on a daily basis anyway. Mind you, I’m used to Yummy Mammy and can’t really be bothered to come up with a new name right now so Yummy Mammy it will remain which means that this isn’t officially on the to-do list. Good, that’s one checked off.

- Change job as soon as possible. It’s okay to have a rubbish job as a stop-gap but I need to start looking out for something better – more exciting, to suit this new phase of my life. Of course, jumping to another job too quickly will make me look a bit flighty, unreliable and a pathetic employment prospect. Perhaps I could say that the job wasn’t stretching me, or had no promotion potential and I can take on a lot more. That would make me look like I was serious about a serious career and willing to work hard. Have to make sure I don’t come off as an arrogant cow though.

- Friends; sort out the wheat from the chaff. As I mentioned in the post before I moved, a lot of my friends here only saw me when I came over to party. Many of them don’t have children and probably won’t understand when I say that my small child is my priority. Yes, I’ll continue to have a good time but I can’t be getting pissed every night even if I want to - hangover and small child are not compatible. It’ll be interesting to see who sticks around and who disappears off in a puff of smoke.

-Ditto the Toy boy. Now that I’ve officially declared myself his girlfriend (albeit without his input or knowledge – see previous posts) things could change in a big way. As I said, I may decide to lead and see if he follows. I’m certainly not going to be dancing to anyone else’s tune any more. And I’m certainly not letting him move in until small child is settled, if ever.

- Get rid of the Unsuitable One once and for all. I don’t mean in the concrete slippers kind of way but if he continues to semi-stalk me I’ll have to get one of the lads to make threatening noises in his general direction.

- Enjoy life (in a grown-up, responsible adult kind of way). It’ a new life.

(Any attempts at guidance and/or advice from Expat Mum in the above post are totally coincidental, but should perhaps be taken into consideration all the same. Wink. )

How to Catch a Cheating Husband in 5 Simple Steps

2009-11-01T01:16:00.003Z

Let me start by saying - thanks to Yummy Mammy for letting me post this anonymously. And also? I hope you never need this information.

But one day, if you find yourself listening to someone tell you that you're being unreasonable and paranoid; that your hormones are driving you mad; that you're reading something into nothing - that's when I want you to remember this post.

I was caught by surprise when my partner cheated on me. He swore it was just a flirtation, nothing had happened, it was a one-off, he'd make it up to me. I believed him - to a degree. But I also started checking up on him. And I'm glad I did - over the next 12 months he cheated on me three more times with three different women. That I know of.

My suspicions were first roused by Facebook. I'd logged into his account after he'd used my computer at home, and changed his privacy settings so his profile was completely open. I could easily see who was sending him virtual drinks, who he was friends with (and didn't mention at home), who was writing on his wall. Just as an aside, my partner used the same password on all of his accounts - and it was the first thing you'd think his password would be.

Stage two was to check his phone. My partner regularly deleted his call history and messages, "to save memory". Yeah right. So when he was in the shower, I checked his photos and found a stored naked photo of another woman. Then I checked his address book for names I didn't recognise - one of which was "JULIE MISTRESS". Yeah, subtle, isn't it?

Knowing my partner was less than honest, I knew the phone wasn't proof of anything. So I started reading his emails. My partner's work provided him with POP3 email access which meant he could check his emails from the home computer - luckily for me, he'd set up an account once on my computer and never deleted his log-in details. I just ticked a box, and all his mails downloaded to my machine (remember if you do this to tick the 'leave a copy of messages on the server' option or he'll soon cotton on).

A few months of email revealed my partner was having explicit sexual conversations with three different women, was using five different dating sites, and advertising on Gumtree for anonymous lunchtime encounters. One day, he asked to borrow my laptop for a presentation he was giving and I said sure - but I installed keystroke logging software first. This emailed me a copy of everything he did on the laptop that day, including (handily enough) the log-in names and passwords on all the dating and webmail applications he'd been using.

Of course, this still wasn't conclusive proof, so I took one more step.

I signed up to the dating site he used most frequently. Having seen his profile, I made myself his perfect woman - a 27-year-old blonde graduate, new to London, interested in all his favourite bands and authors, and even a major fan of his favourite comedians. How could he resist? Well, he couldn't - he sent me a flirty message within 48 hours of my signing up to the site.

I replied with a friendly, flirty message - and that was all the encouragement he needed. Within 24 hours, he'd paid for my subscription to the service so we could exchange messages. He was asking about my fantasies and experiences, and then sent me a photograph of him "enjoying himself" while apparently thinking about the fake girl he'd created. He invited me to a date at a hotel on Friday and I accepted.

On Friday morning, I rang the hotel and confirmed that Mr S had indeed booked a double room for that evening. I called him at work and asked what he wanted for dinner - to hear that he was going to have to work late, and might stay in town with his friend Pete. Busted.

I didn’t say a word. Instead, I waited four weeks until his next business trip. The moment he left the house, I packed up his belongings and put them into storage. I changed the locks. I filed divorce papers. Then I sent a fax to his hotel telling him not to bother coming home again.

They say people who eavesdrop never hear anything good about themselves. And that's true, to an extent. But if I hadn't spied, I would never have known the extent of his cheating - and I might even have still been with him, being lied to and betrayed over and over again. Who knows how many years I might have wasted?

Safely home... What next?

2009-10-26T19:52:00.005Z

There's two things I need to do this evening, catch up with Strictly and write this guest blog for Yummy Mammy. I know where my priorities lie, Ricky Whittle is just going to have to wait for my attention.

I am happy to report that Yummy Mammy is back safely in the UK, with two van loads of stuff. A bit of a drama considering she'd only booked the one! She's celebrated her return with friends but there's no gossip or drama to report on Toyboy just yet. I also have no reports of Starbucks withdrawal. All in all I'd say no major news is good news, I think Yummy Mammy deserves a few peaceful weeks after every thing she's been through.

And what a roller coaster it's been. Anonymously blogging throughout has been a godsend for YM. Getting stuff out of your head and written down is therapeutic for most of us. Blogging has the added advantage of getting support and advice too. There's been times when I've wished my blog was anonymous so I could be completely honest about certain aspects of my life. The anonymous thing never did, or would, work for me. I'd blow my secret identity on Facebook or Twitter in no time!

As well as keeping us informed and entertained, it is fair to say YM has done her bit to raise awareness of a problem faced by an increasing number of single parents around the world (read more here). And whilst the battles over I am sure that's not the end of the story. I hope she keeps us up to date with the ins and outs of her life as she adjusts to being back in the country she calls home.

What will the future bring? Ten years from now I hope that YM is still blogging away with the trials and tribulations of parenthood and relationships. Hopefully YM will have found herself a worthy man, whether Toyboy is good enough to fit that bill is yet to be seen! I have no doubt she will be happier and healthier than she has been this last year. And her happiness will rub off on Small Child, as she enters the world of adulthood. And just maybe Batman will be working with YM to make sure Small Child is put first whatever has happened in the past, something Batman should have started doing a long time ago, but thankfully seems to be getting the hang of now.

I hope this blog doesn't disappear, I hope it lives on in whatever form as a snapshot of history. As we come to the end of the first decade of the 21st Century Yummy Mammy has raised some issues that show just how laws meant to protect people can be used against them and make their lives difficult. YM shows us the extraordinary challenges ordinary single parents face, that need to be highlighted and not forgotten. Keep up the great work...

Helen is guest blogging from www.helenthornber.com and you can find her on Twitter too. For those of you visiting Yummy Mammy for the first time you can read more of her story here and here.

Guest post: Big in Japan

2009-10-23T08:44:00.005+01:00

‘Ikumy with a k?’ The girl nervously fiddles around with the frills on her petticoat, exchanging a view and a giggle with her friend, dressed in similar attire. ‘Yes, yes, with a k.’ says one of the gothic Lolitas as I watch my hand leading the fountain pen to perform my signature in big, blue letters. For Ikumy. Tokyo, October 2014. xx Yummy Mammy. I hand back the book to the girl who giggles again. ‘Dōmo arigatō.’

The queue reaches far beyond I can see from the little desk the bookshop’s manager set up for me. Stepping forward is a businessman in a smart grey suit, white shirt. Black hair sleeked back, manicured hands, heavy black-framed glasses. How would I name this Asian version of Elvis Costello? ‘Hai. Moshi moshi?’, he bellows into his mobile, handing me a copy of The Secret Diaries. For Haimoshi. Tokyo, October2014. xx Yummy Mammy. Haimoshi hangs up and looks at the signature. All of a sudden his puzzled, stern look softens and he breaks out into roaring laughter. ‘Are you ever going to call a man by his real name?’ I try a smile and manage a smirk. ‘Only if it’s true love, the real deal.’

With the bookshops closing at 8pm, the streets in Jimbocho are deserted by 8:30. Tokyo’s bookshop district has welcomed me with open arms, and the more I stay here, the more I like this city. I open the window a little bit to catch some air. The driver sighs. His fingers drum on the steering wheel as we are slowly creeping through Tokyo traffic. ‘Is it far to walk to the Cerulean?’ He shakes his head. ‘No, Madame, maybe ten minutes.’ He bends back and looks at my feet. ‘Or 20, if you are going to walk in these shoes.’ I open the rear door of the limousine and get out of the car, into the city.

The sound of my heels clicking on the polished black granite floor makes the concierge look up. ‘Any messages for me?’ He hands me my room key and a hand written note. ‘Your daughter called and asked to be called back.’

On the 22^nd floor, the elevator opens its doors to release me onto the long corridor stretching out in front of me. The thick carpet swallows every little noise. The clicking of my heels, the flicking sound of the door opening, the smacking sound of it falling back into its lock. I kick off my Louboutins and my toes sink into the fluffy, cream white woollen fabric. I call room service and order some sushi and a soup. Tonight I will be sitting at the window, soaking up the breathtaking views. Tokyo’s city lights are glistering like stars glued to the houses.

It’s only 7am on the other side of the globe. After two rings she picks up. ‘Hello?’ She sounds sleepy. ‘Good morning, Small Child! Time to get ready for school.’ She answers with a long yawn. ‘Hi, mum! Good you are calling. I really need to ask you something.’ ‘Yes, thanks, my day was great but exhausting and I miss you, too. So what is it?’ ‘Can I go and sleep over at Lily’s tonight? All the other girls are going, too, and I really really want to. But Nanna said I needed to ask you first. I really really really want to go!’ She sounds upbeat and all awake now. ‘Just as much as you really really wanted to live with your father?’ I smile as I can hear her puffing air through her closed lips. ‘Muuuum!’ The doorbell rings and puts me off teasing my daughter any longer. ‘Off you go then, sweetheart. Give Nanna a kiss from me and don’t stay up too late.’

My stomach rumbles in anticipation as I open the door. ‘Surprise!’ says Jason, pulling me close.

Posted by guest blogger Metropolitan Mum.

Today's The Day My Life Changes Forever

2009-10-22T07:00:00.001+01:00

Well today has finally arrived. The day I thought a few months ago I'd never see. The day that seemed impossible at times to ever get to. Well it's finally here.

I've pre-written this post as my computer needed to be packed and shipped along with all my other worldly goods, so if something major has happened in between Tuesday evening and Thursday morning then all this post is a load of rubbish and I may well be telling you a pack of lies. And I suppose I'm only guessing really now about how I'm going to feel come Thursday. But for now, we'll just pretend it's Thursday morning and everything has gone to plan (so far) and I'm sat in my empty house with just my laptop and my thoughts.

I guess today is the day that my two worlds collide. BANG! I've been having this double life thing going on now for a while. My crappy, single struggling mother life in Ireland, where I go to work, plan the dinner, do the house work, and well just have all the normal things in life, plus all the crappy elements as well. Over in England I've had the good life. The going out, the getting drunk, the men (insert girlie giggle) and the dating dramas. And now those two lives are about to come together. All those friends (and Toyboy) are going to have to deal with the everyday life version of me. They have all gotten so used to me jetting in, having a good time and then jetting off again, and so have I for that matter. Now I'm going to be there and going to work, and having a house to keep clean and tidy, and making the dinner and basically being a fully fledged grown up, which is something I've never actually done in my home village. Before I left there I lived at home. I wasn't a grown up. Now I am.

And then there is the going back to village life aspect. Having lived in a city for so long now, how will I cope with village life again? Now I say lived in a city, I've lived in the suburbs for most of the time with only a brief stint actually in the city centre itself. But still, even the suburbs have all the trappings of a city. My village in England has a pub, a petrol station, a shop and a school. And that's it. No Starbucks, no 24 hour shops, no take aways, no off license that delivers and no hairdressers that opens on a Sunday. Have I grown to used to my city comforts? And how will I cope with the "Cheers" factor? (where everybody knows your name).

And don't get me started on the lack of designer clothing stores. I may have to travel far and wide now to get my clothing fixes.

So am I ready for village life again? I think so. Something inside me is longing to settle down. To put down good firm roots and belong again. I almost feel as though I've put on hold for so long the getting on with my life part. For so long I've just plodded from day to day with no real purpose or direction. And although I always had hopes and aspirations, there was always something inside that held me back from doing things, probably simply because I was here and not there, and I didn't particularly want to do it here.

Now I sit here and look out at the future, and granted I literally do not have a clue what it holds, at least I know that I've taken the first steps to getting on with the rest of my life. The new job might be rubbish, the house may not suit, the Toyboy thing may fall flat on it's face, small child may take a little longer than I'd hope to get fed up of Batman, but at least it won't be the end of the world. It'll just mean that life needs a little tweaking, not a major overhaul.

Funny enough there are things I'll miss about Dublin. I'll miss my house as we really have made this into our home. I'll miss my job as they where a nice bunch of blokes and it was pretty laid back as well. There are people I'll miss as well, but hopefully it won't be the last I see of them, and there are others I'll be glad to see the back of and hope to never hear from them again. I certainly won't miss the horrendous Dublin traffic or the absolute rip off cost of living.

So now it's time for Yummy Mammy to sign off for a couple of weeks and leave you in the hands of a few guest posters I have lined up for you. They will be having their day of being me and as well as guest posting they will try to predict what the future holds for Yummy Mammy and keep you informed of how my welcome home party goes and any other bits of gossip.

Well I hope they predict me a good future full of lots of nice things. Personally I can't even see tomorrow yet, which reminds me, what the hell am I going to wear for my party! But if I was to predict what my future holds, there would only be two things I could ask for. Health and happiness for both of us. So long as we have that then nothing else matters.

So raise a glass to yourselves dear readers, without you and the huge amounts of support you have given me then I am not sure this day would ever have happened. Thank you to all the ladies that blogged to Save One Mammy, and yes, when I have 5 minutes to think and plan, we will do some more on that. So to each and every one of you I give you an award. Take your pick from my trophy cabinet over there on the right, give it a dust down and be proud that through the power of blogging, twitter and lots of positive vibes, you all managed to save this Mammy.

Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be Yummy Mammy For A Day

2009-10-17T18:55:00.001+01:00

How do you fancy being me for a day?

Don't worry you don't have to put up with Batman, or attempt to seduce Toyboy or even get involved with the house moving.

Expat Mum came up with a cracking idea for guest blogging whilst I move. Guests post as me; as Yummy Mammy, predicting what the future holds, what may or may not happen etc. So basically you get to be me and talk about the future in your own style, even making it up as you go along. The more bizarre the better, after all this is Yummy Mammy and if life wasn't like a bloody big roller coaster with lots of twists and turns, then it simply wouldn't be Yummy Mammy.

So get in touch if you fancy it.

Only 5 days till we are off now. Packing is going crap, the house fell through at the last minute, but I prayed to the God of nice houses and a friend came to my rescue with hopefully a new home for us. So fingers crossed there.

And my pizza jut arrived o I'm off to stuff my face.

xx

Reader, I Divorced Him!

2009-10-12T23:15:00.006+01:00

So I kept this one a little bit quiet, mainly because it was still touch and go right up to first thing this morning if it was going to go ahead or not. But I flew back to Dublin last night for the very last time. This morning I attended court, and after 5 minutes in court, I was divorced. That's it. All over and done with. And me and Batman even shared a joke in court over how useless his solicitor was and then left court and shuck hands.

I know, shocking. We parted on good terms. After all those years of battling it out, far too many court appearances and god only knows how much in legal fees, in the end it was the pair of us that sorted it all out with the help of small child. Naturally his solicitor tried to draw things out longer, actually made a couple of mistakes that I was only to happy to point out (one in the eye there I felt) and actually looked quite sad to be losing her best customer. Everything over our agreement about small child is now set down in a court order so there will be no wriggling out of it for Batman. So now, I hope and pray that I never see the inside of a court room again in my life.

I think it's too early for me to start sharing some wisdom on what this whole episode has taught me. I think over the past five years that I have been having this battle I have grown so much within myself, learnt far more about myself than I could ever have imagined and most importantly I have discovered that I have levels of strength and determination that five years ago I never thought I would have. I have also learnt a hell of a lot about the law, and once I get my thoughts together I will post about this as it has become something that has opened my eyes and I have seen things and discovered things that I probably would never have believed before I went through this whole process. But I'll save that post for another day.

For now I can breath a huge sigh of relief. Finally it is all over and it's time to move on with my life and start a whole new chapter. And what a chapter that could turn out to be. When I first started this blog it was all about my quest to, well, be a Yummy Mammy, find a half decent man, and all the stuff I got up to in between. Then it all became about my on-going legal battles, so now it's time to go back to what I started doing in the first place. After all, I am a single (ish) girl now and after marriage number one comes hubby number two!

******************

So in other news, I was away over the weekend and not really much to report. Toyboy remembered at the last minute that he was actually away for the weekend on a stag do, so I only saw him for a few hours on Thursday night. Actually it was really nice as he was back to being his old self. The longing looks and lots of conversation was back. I actually felt a bit lost then for the rest of the weekend without him about. OK so I missed him - a lot. I chatted quite a bit to one of his friends on Saturday. He seemed to think that everything would be fine once I move.

Well that's if I haven't stuffed it all up.

I've gone and gotten myself a stalker. Remember I mentioned a couple of times The Unsuitable One? Well he is now officially freaking me out. Actually he's more than freaking me out, it's getting very creepy. The last time I was home a male friend managed to really offend him by telling him to f**k off and leave me alone. OK so he was leering just a little bit too much. What me and male friend didn't then see was The Unsuitable One having an almighty tantrum. We didn't discover this until .......... I'll come back to that. So as I felt bad about it in my apologetic mode the next day I agreed to attend an event on Friday night. And I made sure I specifically said as friends. I thought it would be OK as Toyboy was also going and some of his friends that I know well. Phew I thought, there is my escape route. Do a good deed and kill two birds with one stone. But then Toyboy double booked and left me on my own to deal with The Unsuitable One, who decided to make out to others at this event that I was his date! NOTAFUCKINGCHANCE! In my pathetic attempt to let him down gently I sort of said something along the lines that me and Toyboy are actually quite serious and that I'm quite in love with him. Whoops. Which then prompted The Unsuitable One to tell me I'd broken his heart and then tell other people there that I was Toyboys girlfriend. Double whoops.

We went back to the local pub and thank the lord, the previous mentioned male friend was there, him and his mates came to my rescue, which prompted yet another tantrum from The Unsuitable One (nobody offended him this time though, it was just a tantrum). At which point the others informed me and male friend of the previous mentioned tantrum. I beat a few heads together with exclamations of why the fuck hadn't they told me earlier. One of the group told me that he thought it was all very weird and that he was actually getting very creepy now. I told them about what I'd said about Toyboy, I also told the bar man, who is a friend of Toyboy, all thought it was funny, but also that it was called for as The Unsuitable One needs to back off now before he becomes a full on stalker. Personally I was more concerned about Toyboy killing me for saying that to people, although now I have told other people and the reasons behind it, then he'd better be OK about it. I spent the rest of the weekend avoiding any form of conversation with The Unsuitable One, and then I got a really creepy bizarre text from him. I didn't reply. I am officially now freaked by him. At least other people have now said that they think it's creepy so I know that I have lots of male friends about to put the weirdo in his place if he starts again.

Toyboy may still kill me though. Well to combat that I will just have to make myself official girlfriend material as soon as possible.

Like I said, this new chapter may well be very interesting.

**********************

So does anybody fancy being a guest poster on Yummy Mammy whilst I'm moving?

I sort of figure that I'm going to be very, indeed extremely busy over the next couple of weeks. But I also figure that there is going to be a whole lot happening. Oh forgot to mention, I'm having a coming home / divorce party the day after I move. Should be interesting. Anyway, sorry back to the topic in hand. So, do you fancy being a bit of a roving reporter? I thought it might be interesting to have a few guest posts, so you can post whatever you like (naturally within reason, sorry I can't allow dwarf porn) and also do bits of updates about what I am up to (this bit will actually involve tracking me down and asking what the hell I am doing). I'm hoping that at least someone can take this on from next week onwards (hopefully a few of you will fancy doing it) and I'm reckoning that I will be off planet blogging for about two weeks, depending on when I get moved into my new house, get it online and actually sit down to post. So in realistic Yummy Mammy years, it may be longer than two weeks. So if you fancy it, give me a shout.

*************************

And last but not least. I couldn't let this pass, and as my regular readers will know, I'm a bit of a Boyzone fan, and so is small child. So I was shocked and actually quite upset to hear the news that Stephen Gately had sadly died. I had the pleasure of spending time in his company many years ago as he was an ex of someone I know. He was a lovely, sweet, kind man and it is so tragic that his life has been cut short at such a young age. Below is a photo I took of Stephen just a few months ago. It would seem that this year has been a year full of shocking and tragic celebrity deaths and should remind us all to live each day the very best we can. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

RIP Stephen Gately

Gambling on Red

2009-10-06T18:06:00.004+01:00

If you went in a casino with your life savings and the deeds to your house in your pocket, would you stick it all on red? Would you gamble everything on the spin of a wheel?

I think most of us would probably say no to that one. But surely, for most of us, a lot of the decisions we make in life are a bit of a gamble. After all, none of us have a time machine to be able to see how our gambles are going to pay off. And isn't that what we learn in life? If we make a mistake, as most of us do at some point, we learn to dust ourselves down, pick ourselves up and either get along with the hand we have been dealt or burn the cards and start all over again.

I guess that is what I am doing right now. I'm currently sat here with boxes and bags everywhere. I'm pretty much living in chaos. Clothes no longer go back in the wardrobe. They go into piles, what I will need soon after landing and what can wait. I've stopped stocking the fridge and freezer and now just buy as I go for what I need there and then. Small child no longer has a bedroom as the walls needed painting (5 years of scribbles on walls and pink paint has taken its toll), the furniture needed dismantling, so that's all done and the once pretty girly bedroom is now a big white empty room used for storing packed things. I am now dismantling our life here, ready to start a new life. The life I have fought so long and so hard for now feels like an enormous gamble.

So why?

I suppose it's not really so much a gamble, but with so many new things about to happen I guess at some point it was always going to become slightly daunting. Oh forgot to say, sorry, I got the job! Great news, and one less thing to worry about. Although it is a worry as it's all new and starting a new job is always a little scary at first, especially as I'm not leaving my old job because I don't like it or anything like that. And then there's the new house. Suddenly I'm quite scared of leaving my house here and living in a new one, in a new place, with new neighbours and everything else that goes with moving into a new home. But I suppose it's not all bad given that I'm moving to an area I already know so I just have to get used to a new house and living in a little bit of chaos for a while.

And you know what else scares me? Toyboy.

Now why on earth should a young fella like that scare me? It's not so much that he scares me, it's the what if. You see everything has changed now hasn't it? Back a couple of months ago when we first started out, life was a little bit bleak for me and everything was covered with uncertainty. Now it's not. Now, in two weeks time, I'm going to be living there, and very close by to him. No longer will there be time constraints or me dashing off to catch flights, or fretting that I haven't seen him as much as I would have liked on that particular visit. Work getting in the way won't be an issue anymore and for the first couple of months, me having to juggle a child as well isn't going to be an issue. In fact, there aren't going to be any issues anymore. I'm just going to be a normal single girl living in the same place. And I'm terrified. It's the fear of rejection I guess.

Now this is the bit where I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but I guess I am in a way. See, I quite literally am beating them off with a stick. But, problem being, the ones I'm beating off with a stick, now don't get me wrong, most are pretty damn tasty and fine bits of stuff, but I know it wouldn't last past 8am the next day.

Toyboy is different. You see I have this problem that I know I'm hard work. I know, that if I'm with a bloke that worships the ground I walk on, then chances are I'm going to walk all over him. I don't mean to be like that, I just hate that feeling of being suffocated or knowing that I have that power over someone to have them at my beck and call. I'm a free bird that likes to fly and spread my wings. I need a man that isn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me no when I need to be told. That won't mind or bat an eyelid when I want to paint the town red with the girls or have a nervous breakdown when I present fish fingers for dinner because I simply can't be arsed to do anything else or because I spent the shopping budget for a month on a pair of Rock and Republic jeans and it's Tesco's value brand noodles every day till payday.

You see I can pretty much label all my previous blokes into three quite simple categories. They either suffocate me and love me too much or they want to control me and then there are the ones that use me and cheat on me. So we have the suffocaters, the controllers or the cheaters. Toyboy doesn't fit into any of those categories. He certainly isn't a suffocater, and he can barely control himself let alone anyone else, and as for cheating, absolutely not. So what label does that leave him with?

I look at Toyboy and see someone I could actually have a great time with, that I can just get on with it all with and just see what happens and where life takes us. But since everything changed and my life took this new direction, I don't actually know what he thinks about it all or how he sees things now. And I suppose I'm scared of having to have that conversation with him or even wait and find out what's going to happen next. It's that fear that he may turn round and say, nope, sorry pet, not what I want. And then I still have to see him around, like all the time, for the foreseeable future at least.

I don't actually know if I will have the conversation or not, or just wait and see what does happen. I'm over there again this weekend, I dare say I'll see him even without making any arrangements, and maybe that's how I should leave it all. Just let nature takes its course. But isn't that placing an angle of uncertainty in my now nearly sorted life? When surely I should be making this move forward and everything be a clean, fresh start?

Or maybe, just maybe, I should take a leap of faith and believe that if I lead he will follow. Remain aloof, unaffected and just get on with my life. I'm a great believer of body language and I know that a lot of the time what comes out of Toyboys mouth isn't what his body language is showing. Maybe I should believe in my instincts on Toyboy, take a step back and wait for him to follow. And if someone else gets there before him, then that's just life, and his loss.

Or maybe I should gamble it all on red, take a chance and just tell him.

We already established that you wouldn't place your life savings on red, so would you put your heart on red knowing that it's a straight forward 50/50 that it might come up black?

Still A Piece Missing

2009-09-30T22:23:00.002+01:00

Bad blogger Yummy Mammy. I shall hold my hand out while you all slap it. I know I was bad leaving you all hanging there last week, and then waiting a bit longer whilst I went off celebrating for the weekend, and then got back and sort of couldn't really be arsed to sit and update. But I'm here now, so as usual, grab the fags, top up the glass or stick the kettle on. Yep, it's another Yummy Mammy update that ends with me having cramp in my poor little fingers. Make yourself comfortable.

We shall start with Batman.

I can guess that you have all been scratching your heads wondering how the hell I managed to get him to cave. How on earth have I finally managed to escape Ireland (well nearly, still 21 days to go yet) and manage to move back to good old England.

We reached a compromise! Yep! Shock horror. Me and Batman reached an amicable agreement. Would you bloody Adam and Eve it! Five years, tens of thousands in legal fee's and in the end the solution was simple. It just took a whole lot of heartache and some pretty big leaps of faith to sort it all out.

Remember a few weeks ago when things started taking some dramatic turns with small child suddenly wanting to go off and live with Batman? Remember that phone call as I stood in the airport? And then the random fainting? Oh and bloody Toyboy sticking yet another spanner in the works? Yep. That was some weekend wasn't it. But you all gave me such lovely comments and advice, picked me up and kept me going yet again. But within those bits of advice and the mountain of emails I received afterwards, came a few little bits that stuck out, and when I pieced them all together the answer was there.

As a few of you told me, and quite rightly, Batman has been loving the control he's had over me. He's loved the power and it wasn't so much about the fight for him, although I'm sure he loved it all, it remained the control he could have. And while he was in control he could manipulate small child as much as he liked and to suit him. Hence the sudden idea that she might like to go and live with him, "for a try" as she put it.

Well we all know, as adults, that the grass isn't always greener is it. So instead of fighting small child and Batman, I stopped. I took the fight away. Clean away and refused to fight no more. Fine I said, all do what you want and so will I. Small child, if you want to go and live with Batman then off you pop, and Batman if that is what you want, then there you go, one small child is all yours and I'm off home to England. See ya.

But then I asked, what happens if it all goes wrong? Shouldn't we have a fail safe here? After all, small child misses me terribly just over the weekends, how is she going to cope long term?

Stopped them in their tracks there. Suddenly Batman had to think about what he'd been fighting for and if it was really what small child actually wanted. I invited him round, gave him a cup of tea and a jam doughnut and was nice to him. The three of us sat down and discussed how such an arrangement would work. I was cool, calm and collected and as much as my inner voice wanted to scream at him and tell him what a wanker he was to even think that small child living with him would ever work in a million years, I said nothing. I did not fight back once. I just kept saying yes and OK. I'd stolen Batman's thunder.

And then I asked about what fail safe measures would be put in place. Gotcha I think the word running through my head was. After all, I would be living in England. I will have given up my job, my home, my crappy life and moved on. What happens if (read when into that, I know my girl) small child doesn't settle at Batman's and wants to go back to her Mammy. I just can't go giving up another job, home and life all over again to come back to Ireland to have to start all over again. Not an option my dear. Gotcha again there Batman.

He said he wanted a day or two to consider the options. But in the meantime he agreed everything in the divorce. Literally everything. Shocked! You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Less than 36 hours later he called me to ask to meet up again. A few hours later we met. He agreed that a fail safe needed to be put in place. And that fail safe was that small child could come and live with me in England!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!

And now for the realisation moment where I think he was secretly admitting that he knows it won't work. He asked that small child give it a proper go living with him and not just a week or two. I held my breath thinking he was going to say a year or something. Nope. All he wants is a couple of months so that I can go off, get myself sorted, have a bit of a break, get a new job, get a new house, get moved and settled so that if (again read when) small child decides to move, everything is set up ready and in place for her.

Do you know what, sat there, having a mocha in Starbucks, I could have bloody kissed him.

And just to add a bit more good to it all, he's also arranged to have it all done through proper legal agreement, I retain full custody throughout, he's going to do the backwards and forwards thing on the planes and delays in airports to bring small child over to visit me lots, and if (when) the time comes that she wants to move he's fine with that and will continue with the backwards and forwards on the planes with small child. And he's even arranged for small child to be seen every week by a counsellor and regular meetings with the welfare officers and psychologist, so that as soon as it starts to get upsetting for her, or the signs are showing that she wants to move, then I'll be told by them, so I won't even have to wait for him or her to tell me.

So in essence, he's given me a breather to get my life all sorted out and set up the new life for me and small child. She gets it out of her system over the whole living with him thing and he gets to realise that as we all always knew, small child is better off with her Mammy.

I know in a sense it's a risk to take, but actually I don't think it is. I know my girl. I know all her little fussy ways, her moods, her insistence that it's her way or no way and her demands of undivided attention or my god I'll know about it. And I know that she is set in her ways. Batman doesn't know all this because he's never had to deal with it all on a 24/7 basis. I know full well that she gets the attention and gets away with her fussy little ways with me, because that's how we've always been. She won't get that with him. There's Wicked Witch and their baby added to the mix there. Once the novelty wears off, the grass won't be so green anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, maybe I'm being a little bit selfish here. Maybe I should have fought on. But I think it was beginning to take it's toll just a little bit too much and the sudden fainting fit was a very loud wake up call. Plus legally I was fighting a losing battle. Ireland will not give up a child, right or wrong, it just won't let them out the country. This way I don't have to fight anymore, I just have to wait it out. And I know in myself that it won't take long. Hopefully just long enough for me to set up a whole nice new life for us. And I think it goes without saying that I'll miss her like mad, but it's a small sacrifice to make for a short time given what the end result will be.

Which brings me on to setting up the whole new life. Well all I now need to do is pack up this house, move it all over seas, find a new job so I can get a new house, move everything into new house, make it into a nice new little palace, focus myself on being fabulous and happy, and bham, job done.

So the actual moving part, kind of sorted. The parents are arranging the actual physical removal side, I just have to pack everything. Job, which is the huge thing really. Well I had a job interview there the other day (hence why I had to pull out of the really fab blogging event on Monday at the last minute, which I was mighty damn miffed about) but anyway, had this interview, they rang me back literally 10 minutes after and said, we love you, think you will be great for the role, we are going to offer you the job, we just need you to meet up with X,Y,Z so that they can rubber stamp it. Mad squeals, screams and some big time celebrating (we shall talk about that in a moment) so I goes back Monday morning to meet them again, and this bloke is now talking, "if you are the successful candidate". So then I left thinking, ummmmmm, have I actually got this job or not, cause now I don't know. So then speaks with the HR again, who says, it's fine, bloke thought you was great, it now has to be approved by someone at the top of the food chain before we can make an official offer, back to you in a few days. OK, slightly calmer but I'm far too impatient and now with 21 days to go, I want the friggin official offer!!!!!!! I'm still waiting at this moment in time for the official offer.

So with that still hanging up there in mid air it also means I can't get moving on the new house thing, because I also found a new house at the weekend, and it's lovely, and I really want it, and with just 21 days to go, I'm getting impatient (more on the house thing in a moment, you'll understand why when I get to it). But it's within the budget, suits the needs, is in the area I want and it's vacant now.

Bloody hurry up oh god of job offers!!!!!!

In the meantime I've carried on applying for jobs just in case. So if anyone knows of something suitable in the North West of England (email me for more precise location if you do) then please let me know. Cheers. There is a lot hanging in the balance here.

So now we move on to Toyboy.

Is he Mr On or Off?????? Guess what, I don't know!!!

I actually didn't really see him that much over the weekend. I was that busy doing lots of other things and meeting various other friends to celebrate, and he had other stuff on as well, that the first time I saw him properly was Sunday night, and basically he was that drunk that he could hardly stand let alone have a grown up conversation with me. So I thought it best to leave it as I'm over there again next week so I'll deal with it then. But hey, I'm going to be living there in 21 days anyway now.

Which brings me swiftly on to going back to the thing about the house. It's just round the corner from Toyboy. He will have to pass my house to get to his house (well his parents house as he hasn't yet ever left home). Now I will add that this wasn't intentional, but given that it's a small enough area anyway I was always going to end up living near to him, just there isn't much available in the area for the budget, this house is really nice and fits the bill, it just so happens to be really close to his house. Ah well. I'm sure it will add to the entertainment value as numerous people pointed out to me at the weekend that in their opinion regardless of what Toyboy may say about such relationship status, he won't make it home very often when he has to pass mine on the way.

Which is actually now a reason that makes me want to sort it out. I really don't want to get into a situation of him rocking up on the doorstep without me knowing what the status is. Are we on? Or are we off? If we are off, then do not darken my door, regardless of how tempting that may be. Anyway, I'll blog that whole debate another day.

But you know what? Even in his absolutely hammered, drunken mess of a state he got himself into the other night, all the not bothering moments he'd had over the weekend when he could have made more of an effort and he didn't, I still looked at him, hardly able to stand (I could stand, he couldn't) and I thought to myself, "Bloody hell you're ace."

Oh shit. Yummy Mammy is quite smitten.

Had a few other "events" over the weekend but since this blog is now so long that nobody is going to be reading it anymore, then I'll give you very brief highlights. Remember The Unsuitable One? Read back if you don't, but anyway, he again declared undying love, told others he loved me, saw something he wasn't supposed to, which wasn't bad on my part, but probably looked bad to his over active mind. I then managed to plonk myself into the middle of a love triangle elsewhere, with someone else holding their hand up and admitting to fancying a bit of Yummy Mammy. Far too complicated that one to even try and explain here, but the internal alarm bells rang very bloody loud and screamed at me to not even consider it even though the man in question is a catch and a half. Yummy Mammy will not be going there. Oh and then, I saw a really bizarre Facebook status update of someone, that made a penny drop and I realised it was about me. Oh fuck, not another one.

Actually, maybe Toyboy could do to know he has competition. He told me he can't remember the name of my blog now and I wouldn't tell him again, so readers it's safe to talk about him again ha ha. Maybe a bit of competition would give him that much needed kick up the backside. Readers, what do you think?

So, on the to do list is;
*Pack up my whole house
*Move said house contents in a really big van, on a really big boat, to another country
*Find a new job
*Get official offer of new job, in writing so that I can ...........
*Get new house, preferably the nice one I've already seen
*Move into new house, set it all up and make it lovely
*In the absence of small child, make said new house into a nice little love nest
*Lure Toyboy into a false sense of security and make him think that the previously mentioned love nest is the best place on earth and there is nowhere else he'd rather be, and more importantly, with Yummy Mammy
*Have nice little life all set up for when small child kicks Batman into touch and gets herself moved
*All live happily ever after

See, it's simple when you write it down!!!!!

xxx

I Can't Keep A Secret

2009-09-24T13:52:00.002+01:00

I am literally flying out the door as I'm off on my travels again this weekend, but I simply couldn't keep this a secret any longer. Well I've already spilled the beans to loads of you already so I might as well tell the rest of you now.

I'M MOVING BACK TO THE UK, GOING HOME FOR GOOD IN 28 DAYS!!!!!!!

Shocked you haven't I. And now I'm going to leave you hanging and tell you all the details next week upon my return. But be rest assured, it's good news, there is a little bit of give and take, and a few things that I'm not entirely happy about, but on the whole it's good and all has worked out well. Oh and my divorce has finally gone through and the decree absolute will be granted in a couple of weeks as well.

So I'm off back home for the weekend to celebrate. And to deal with Toyboy. In my new found one woman UN negotiator role (well not exactly but having dealt with Batman for so long and finally reached an amicable resolution I now feel that I would do well working for the UN), I'm going to hit Toyboy with it. Step up or step away, and when I say step away, I actually mean stay away.

This is the start of a whole new chapter for Yummy Mammy and no longer will I settle for second best, not getting what I want or putting up with things because the situation dictates that I have to. There no longer is a situation, there no longer is any complication, there is no longer a big old sea to constantly cross. There is only me, living in the place I want to live, and a man, Toyboy, that I do really like, living in that same place. I know what I want, and if it's not what he also wants then it's time to move along. It really is that simple now.

As for the Save One Mammy campaign, if you all agree (those that are still to post) then I think we should carry on? My situation is now sort of resolved (but hey it's Batman so anything could still happen) but given the vast amount of women who are still suffering because of these out dated, ridiculous laws, I feel it is important that they find us and know that there is hope. That you can get there in the end. And also know that they are not alone. I can quite honestly say that I don't know what I would have done without all my readers and the huge amounts of support they have given me. There have been times when I have been completely lost and not known what to do from one day to the next. And then an email would arrive or someone would comment and again I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is so important that other women get to see the light too. Living in the darkness this horrible situation brings is the most awful place to be, and they need our help and support.

So I'm off again for the weekend and I really hope my celebrations aren't dampened by an awkward Toyboy. But actually I won't let him ruin them at all. He can just go away if I so much as get a sniff that he might be about to.

And I'm also meeting up with quite a few other bloggers as well this weekend so I dare say I'll have about a million tales to tell you all next week, and I'll also post all the details of the Batman agreement.

Until then, much love to you all, and once again, thank you so very very very much for everything you have all done to keep me going. You will never truly realise just how much you have done for me.

Much love
xx

We Interupt This Broadcast..........

2009-09-20T23:35:00.002+01:00

So for once it's not bad news. Thud! Yep I heard you all fall over then.

Right, now you've picked yourselves up and gotten over the shock, I'm going to tease you and not tell you what it is. Actually it's good news. Well I think it is anyway.

Some of you know already. The joys of my over active email, and some of you are now wondering what the devil I'm on about. But as this is a lightening speed post as I sort of left you all worried sick there last week, I just thought I'd better check in.

All is well over at Yummy Mammy Towers and I am feeling much better. And I do have something rather good to tell you. But as the Save One Mammy Campaign still has another week and a bit before I'm due to post again about that, then I think it is only fair that the full campaign of posters runs it's course. Actually if you saw the state of my ever over flowing email inbox then you'd understand why. There are so many women out there that are in the same situation, and some of them have more horrifying stories than me to tell. So as a source of support to them I think it is only right that myself and my fellow bloggers continue to do what we first set out to do. Ladies, the world appears to need us, so it is our duty to stand up and be counted and help out in whatever way we can!!! (did I sound all Winston Churchill then? Good, it was meant to!)

So, I'm leaving you all wanting to kill me now for not telling you, and those that do know, shhhhhhhhh, keep quiet for now ;-)

And when I say I'm feeling much better, I am, apart from my really sore fingers from answering about a million emails, and if I still haven't replied to you or emailed you about something I promised to do, then I'm very sorry, I'm not ignoring you, it's just my fingers are really starting to hurt now, my brain is fried and I gave up doing to do lists about a month ago!

I'll be back during the week to discuss something Toyboy related, as I've been having a think about that as well.

Big hugs and loads of love and a million thank yous to everyone for all the support you have given me, all the awards (I will get around to it I promise) and all the rants you've had to listen to. Big sloppy kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

100 Not Out / I Just Don't Know

2009-09-14T23:13:00.004+01:00

Well flippin 'eck, it's my 100th post on here. And I'm just back off the plane, which could be dangerous, you know I tend to ramble a bit after one of those trips. And guess what? Remember how I talked last week about this week always being my disaster week? Yep, we are only half way through the week and it's disaster central over at Yummy Mammy towers.

So now I don't even know where to start. Should I start with the most awful phone call of my entire life whilst I was boarding the plane on Thursday? Or maybe the tears I couldn't stop flowing on Friday? Or the really bad argument I had Friday and Saturday? Or the random fainting fit I then decided to have on Saturday? Or the amount of times I've said "I just don't know," over the past few days? Or the bizarre Sunday? Or that really horrid feeling I had again at the airport today? You see, honestly, I just don't know anymore.

So first off then, might as well get the really bad one out of the way first. I'm stood in the queue at the departure gate waiting to get on the plane, phone rings. It's small child. The night before she had quite randomly come out and asked what I thought about her going to live with Batman, to give it a try. Well I suppose it has been brewing now for a while, and after last weeks incident, and his constant manipulation I guess it was only a matter of time. I told her (through gritted teeth) that if that was what she wanted then she could give it a try, but to think very carefully about it as it was a really big thing to do, and perhaps we should talk about it some more after the weekend. Yep, she agreed and asked quite a few times if I would hate her for it. I told her no, that I would never hate her, and wouldn't love her any less if she thought it was a good thing to give it a try living with Batman. Yep, it hurt, my god it hurt, but since I live in the most ridiculous country in the world that seems to think it's OK to take the word of a child so young, and it's legally accepted in court, and that Batman is the master manipulator, I wasn't about to play into anyones hands and become the big bad bitch and say no way. So off she goes to Batman's on Thursday and after a mere hour in his company she's on the phone to me, to tell me she's decided to go and live with Batman. And I'm stood in a queue to get on a plane. Very, very, difficult conversation to have at the best of times, let alone in public. I told her that we'd talk about it some more after the weekend as there was a lot of things to sort out and we would need to work out with Batman how it would all work. She was absolutely delighted. I held in all my emotion, for the next 2 hours, until I finally got to my mothers and let it out.

Perhaps not the best of frames of mind to think about anything else, but then I had Toyboy to deal with. Well he sure knows how to pick his moments doesn't he. I tell ya, my crystal ball must be working over time, because he decided to do his awkward, shy routine, again. Great friggin timing mate! Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and although I hadn't wanted to have to do this, I ended up doing it anyway. I collared him on his own and told him what had happened and we went home. Explained that I wasn't exactly in the best of states at the moment and could kind of do with him stepping up to the mark, making the effort, not taking on my problems, but cheering me up, give me an escape from it all, make a bit of time for me, maybe even do something on our own.

"But I don't want the whole full on relationship," he repeated over and over.

"It's not a fucking full on relationship you prick! It's me asking as a friend as well as the bird you happen to be laid next to in bed right now, to just make a damn effort for the next few days, not treat me like some random shag piece, and probably the next time I'm over as well until I get things sorted a bit more and know what's going to happen. Because right now my fucking life is falling apart and sometimes I just need to think happy thoughts!" I think I said that back at him quite a few times, and various other words to that effect.

We went round in circles with this for hours. Not good. I got upset, cried, he didn't know what the hell to do, and I just got more and more annoyed because all I could think was what an unreasonable dickhead he was being. Like seriously was I asking too much?

Come Saturday morning and I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Even after sleeping on it I was still really annoyed. I went home, met friends, discussed, and all agreed that I wasn't being unreasonable. Anyone with half an ounce of sense and decency would not have picked that moment, whilst I am narrowly avoiding having another nervous breakdown, to be an absolute shit, regardless of the relationship status.

I saw him out on Saturday night, and in my still annoyed state I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Actually I did my best to ignore him. OK, so I did ignore him. He made a few attempts to say hello, but every time I turned away. OK, so I was rude about it. Late on and I was chatting away to one of his friends, we was actually having quite a laugh and he was stood behind us. And then he vanished and didn't return. Not sure why, haven't enquired, but I'd say he'd gotten the hint by then that I wasn't speaking to him.

I then went off to a party with his friends (and over heard a conversation with one of his friends telling someone that Toyboy was a very confused man at the moment), and I decided to have a random fainting fit, out of the blue, for no apparent reason, mid conversation. And I couldn't even blame the drink, as I'd had no more than usual and as everyone told me afterwards I was completely fine and chatting away, then said I felt quite warm and then hit the ground. Classy aren't I. So one of Toyboy's friends walked me home and gave me a big lecture about all the stress I'm under, looking after myself etc etc. Same friend also called me Sunday morning to see if I was OK and how worried they'd been about me. Bless. At least his friends have hearts.

Sunday night and I go off to meet some friends, walks in, and Toyboy is sat with my friend and her hubby chatting away. Bloody bollox! Can't escape now can I. We don't even say hello. Talk about awkward. Then a friend from the previous night appears and the conversation turns to was I OK etc. So chat goes on, me and Toyboy exchange a few comments but just general conversation stuff. Then two more of my friends arrive and first friend and her hubby leave. So there we are, us three girls and then two boys. And we ended up having a right laugh. Would you believe. It was like the old days when we all used to go out together as friends. One of my friends, who had also been there on the Saturday night said to me that she thought Toyboy was making more of an effort. But we didn't speak on our own at all, which was probably for the best as I just couldn't handle another conversation like Friday.

So the end of the night and we are all heading off, Toyboy going one way, me the other. He's about to go, he said goodbye, and then came over, gave me a kiss (on the cheek) and a huge hug. Like huge. One of those really close, really holding on hugs. It was actually really nice. God damn you Toyboy, how can I stay mad at you when you give me such nice hugs like that. Shame it was just a few days too late.

And then it's the horrid Monday and the getting on the plane thing again. Back to the even bigger pile of crap I now have to deal with.

So, points being, a)Batman should never have let small child ring me to say she wanted to go and live with him without talking to me first. I have now told him that we need to discuss it in more detail and I'm not about to go ahead with anything like that unless I have about a million and one questions answered first and about a million times more things agreed.

b) I literally do not have a damn clue what I am supposed to do about small child now. I know I should fight Batman tooth and nail, but after what the solicitor told me last week about forgetting fighting if small child keeps saying these things, then I'm also very wary of me fighting playing right into Batmans hands, him having even more ammunition to turn small child against me and having years and years more of all of this to deal with and with small child thinking that I've stopped her doing something she wanted to do. Now we all know Batman would do exactly that, so maybe it's time to be the bigger person here. I also know full well that she won't last with him and eventually the missing and needing Mammy will get the better of both of them. Maybe I should just go with it and play the waiting game. Naturally see her as much as possible while playing the waiting game, until she realises that the grass isn't greener. I have the meeting with the child psychologist coming up, so at the moment, I just don't know.

c) As for Toyboy. I can't even think about that anymore. Maybe I should apologise for maybe taking some of my frustrations out on him. But then again he behaved like a dickhead so maybe he deserved it. His friend says he's confused. Well no bloody wonder cause he says that many different things to me, acts all odd at the best of times, that I'm even more confused than ever. But I just can't think about it anymore. He needs to go off and have a damn good think and either do something about it or just stay away. Because right now, I just don't know.

d) As I'm now randomly fainting, it's another clear sign that the health isn't good. Maybe it's time to start thinking about me. After all I'm no good to anyone six feet under in a wooden box. But right now, I just don't know.

See how many times I've said, I just don't know. Far too many things that I don't know about anymore. That are all hanging in the balance, making me live in limbo land yet again.

One thing I do know is that this all has to stop. And soon. Really soon. Because I just don't know.

Is this week over yet?

So World. What You Gonna Throw At Me This Week?

2009-09-09T09:00:00.003+01:00

This is an odd week in the life of Yummy Mammy. OK, I see the eye rolls and hear the tuts, "When is it not?!" I hear you scream. Nah, not the usual crap, although that never really stops so I can't see it stopping this week either, but it's more the dates that are significant now. Got your coffee / wine / fags? Sitting comfortably? Good. Let me explain.

Over the past ten years, between the dates of September 10th through to the 18th, I can pretty much pinpoint all the big events in my life that have happened that have then started a chain reaction into the next thing that has happened. Sound odd? It's me! Naturally it's going to be odd. It all seems to happen in the same week, year after year. And it's all the bad stuff as well. The stuff that has pretty much led me to where I am today.

You see, ten years ago, on September 10th, a life changing bomb shell was dropped on me. Out of nowhere. SMACK! It was a biggy. Stopped me in my tracks completely. At the time, yes it was big, but it's only now that I look back that I realise just how big. I don't particularly want to go into detail as it's something that I don't really talk about and not many of my real world friends even know about it. And after a couple of months I thought that I'd gotten over it and it was all behind me. Nope. It's still something that creeps into my mind quite a bit. And when it does, especially this time of year, it still manages to stop me in my tracks. Although now it tends to be for a minute or two. But now looking back, that one event set me off down a path, probably the wrong path, because if that one event hadn't of happened, then all the crap that is currently on my plate probably wouldn't have happened either. A bit like that film, The Butterfly Effect. Only minus Ashton Kutcher.

Fast forward, September 11th. I think everyone can remember were they where when they heard about the attacks on the twin towers. September 11th is another really painful day for me. You see, I was there. In those towers. At the very top. Now I've puzzled you haven't I. I was there, September 11th, at 9am, at the top of the World Trade Centre, having breakfast. Only it was exactly a year before the attacks. I have photos of me, up there, with the time and date on. So when people say they can remember how they heard about the attacks, what they where doing etc, I can remember every single detail, and far too clearly.

I was at work having a bad day. I'd had an argument with Batman that morning and gone off to work in a bad mood. I knew even back then, still a few years before we did split up that I'd made a huge mistake in marrying him. You know one of those deep in your belly gut feelings. I'd had it for a while (more of that in a moment, and you'll see why) and I knew, somehow I knew even then, that I'd made a HUGE mistake. My inner voice was telling me that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I'd just come back from lunch which basically involved sitting in the car having an argument over the phone with Batman. I came back into work and went to the kitchen to get a drink. It was 2pm, so 9am New York time, and I remembered sitting in the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Centre exactly a year before, and remembered a conversation I had that morning with someone that worked there (again more of that in a moment). I heard someone coming into the room and wiped the tear from my eye. The person came into the room and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Centre.

Back a year to 2000 and there I was, having my breakfast with a friend that lived in New York at the time. Why was I there? I was confirming all the details for my wedding reception. Irony hey. Yep, a few days later I got married and had my wedding reception there. As we sat and ate our breakfast a waiter chatted to us asking about the wedding. He was a nice man, older, a sort of father figure type. I got the impression that he was a good family man from the comments he made about marriage, and how it wasn't to be taken lightly.

I saw that waiter a few days later when I had got married. It was a beautiful night and the sky was so clear. There was a full moon, a harvest moon I think it's called when it's really big in the sky and a bit red. It was rising over the Brooklyn Bridge and as the sky got darker and all the lights across New York began to light up the view was so beautiful. Because the restaurant was right at the top of the building you could see for miles and miles. It was such a spectacular view and I remember looking out and thinking what a big wide world it was out there. And how it was all gone from me. It was the first time I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd made a huge mistake. The waiter came over to hand me a drink and asked if I was OK. And it was the way he asked it that it was like he could see right inside me and knew that I wasn't OK. He gave me half a smile and I felt at that moment like he was the only person in the world that knew how I really felt inside. Those few moments that he stood there with me at the window admiring the view stayed with me for a very long time.

So a year later and I'm stood there remembering that nice waiter and what he'd said. I'd lost count at that point of how many times I'd kicked myself for not stopping and thinking what I was doing. His words had rung in my ears so many times. Had he tried to warn me? To make me stop and think what I was doing? That fatherly look and words of wisdom he had given me. For the brief moments they had been, they had stayed with me for so long.

It took a while for me to find out, but I discovered that he had died in the attacks. I sent a card to his family. He probably never remembered me again after my wedding day but he is someone I will never forget.

So often I have thought about the what ifs. If I'd been there exactly a year later. If the attacks had happened exactly a year earlier. There but for the grace of god.

A few days later and I was at a meeting in a very posh London restaurant followed by drinks in a very exclusive bar. It had come about after a chance meeting with someone, random conversation and then an invite. I was offered something, an opportunity, at this meeting that would have changed my life and made it very, very different to what it is today. One of those once in a lifetime things. And it was entirely possible as well. I've always been a bit of an adventurer, risk taker. Always the one to do the exciting things. Even from a young age I'd wanted to see everything in the world, go everywhere, experience so many things. It was like a burning passion inside me. When I said about looking out at the view in New York, for a brief moment I was looking out on the world I wanted to explore. But then I knew I'd never see it the way I'd always wanted to. The opportunity I was being offered at this meeting would have given me back all of that passion I'd once had. And even then with a baby (small child had arrived by then) it could all still be done. For a few hours I was excited about life again. Batman put a stop to all that.

Fast forward a couple of years and another wedding anniversary and I was miserable and something triggered in the back of my mind that I was getting out. I'd had enough and somehow I was going to find a way out of this mess.

It took me another year and another huge mistake before I did get out. And you guessed it. It was that very same week again. Well I didn't exactly get out that week, but something happened to give me that final push to get out. Again, bad things always happen in this week.

In the years since that other bits and pieces always seem to happen. Some not so huge or unpleasant or memorable. But something always happens. Last year I served court papers on Batman. And we all know now what happened with that one. And something not so nice happened with DJ Boy (remember him? Nasty piece of work he was). Year before that I unravelled the truth about He Whose Name.

Maybe it's the lunar alignment or the suns position or something in the stars. Oh I don't know, perhaps someone who's into all that stuff can tell me.

So with a trip to England happening on Thursday you can imagine I'm nervous about it all and bracing myself for what this year will bring. Please God, not this year hey? Don't you think I've sort of got enough on at the moment?

Which brings me to my final (ish) point. Toyboy. Telepathy. Non communicado. Again.

OK, so my head has kind of been up my arse of late, long overdue nervous breakdown was narrowly avoided again last week, and I haven't contacted him for, well, ummmm, a bit. Oh come on, what was I supposed to do, "Hi, how are ya? I'm shit thanks, life sort of fell apart again, and you know all that shit that I said I wasn't going to dump on you, all that shit that I try to keep over here and away from you, well it's sort of following me round like a bad smell and it's all I can think about right now. And it's probably not going to get sorted the way I thought it was. The way I'd assured you it would. It may well follow me back over there." Yep, sure fire way to send the bloke running for the hills that one.

I had actually talked to BFF about this. You see, add everything that happened last week, then "the dates", my stress levels through the roof right now, and it's a bad combination. I just wanted to go to England this weekend and not have to worry or even think about what may happen with Toyboy. So I suppose I've been doing my own bit of telepathy really. I just really don't want him to pick this weekend to decide to be shy / awkward / leave me wondering etc etc. I just want to rock up and everything be alright. No effort required. Lots of fun and nice times to be had. Come home in a better mood, clearer head and ready to deal with the next disaster.

I text him yesterday. Just a simple hi, hope you haven't forgotten I'm over this week.

No reply as yet.

Hey I could always write it in my blog and you never know he might read it. Oh christ, communication via a blog now! I suppose that's a new one.

I tell ya, it's the curse of the dates. Be warned, next week may see another long drama filled post from yours truly!

P.S. Thanks to all those following the campaign and for spreading the word. And if the annonymous poster from Northern Ireland reads this, then please, please contact me. Your identity is safe with me and you can get my email from my profile, just over there on the right hand side xx

*** Edit*** Since posting this Toyboy has replied. Phew. One less thing to worry over.

Heart Broke - Part 2 / Save One Mammy

2009-09-04T00:01:00.000+01:00

I'd already wrote this post once and was quite happy with it. But then something happened and I decided to re-write it.

So anyway, hello and welcome to any new readers who have found me via the Save One Mammy Campaign. If you don't already know, then I'm Yummy Mammy and this campaign is all about me. So what are you reading to save? OK, this is where it gets very technical and legal, and obviously for legal reasons there are some details I can't disclose here, so you may need to fill your own blanks in now and again and rely on the comments of the regular posters when I say the situation is truly crap.

I'm not from Ireland (don't be too shocked but I'm actually English) but ended up here because I did the dutiful wife thing and followed my then husband back to Ireland so he could take up his dream job and make a fortune (*note* still waiting for the fortune to happen and the job is shite). Anyway at that time small child was nearly 3 and it didn't take long for us to split up once we got here. For 5 years I have put up with being a single parent, a long way from home, having no help or support and basically doing everything on my own. My ex (who we call Batman) has done nothing but fight me on everything every single step of the way and in the process made my life a living hell. So a year ago I'd had enough and decided it was time to go home back to England. Just 135 miles away, door to door. I came up with a detailed plan of how Batman's access would work and with the help of my family and friends we where all willing to bend over backwards to aid Batman to see small child as much as possible, both financially and practically.

Batman said no. We ended up in court. Now there is this damn law called the Hague Convention. It's a right royal pain in the arse. The law is supposed to protect against unlawful abduction, however it also prevents people like me returning to their homelands, regardless of the sheer crap they have to deal with. More and more cases are being brought before the courts worldwide for permission to be given to leave the country and in most cases so long as the child's welfare is provided for and proper access is arranged for the left behind parent, then permission is usually granted. It all refers to a case called Payne v Payne, and one of the points of this case was that if a person was applying to return to their homeland then the judging standards should be significantly lowered.

Well that's all a bit of a laugh really because it took me nearly a year to bring the case to court, only for none of these so called judging standards to be applied. I was refused permission to go home and take small child with me. I immediately appealed to the High Courts, then we hit a rock. It was looking like costing €100,000 to go to the High Courts. Money I simply do not have or could not hope to get my hands on. So I cut my work so that I could qualify for legal aid. And last week had one more go at talking sense to Batman. He wasn't for budging.

Right, this is where I had to re-write the post. Hope you have your tissues at the ready.

Small child had been on holiday with Batman and returned on Sunday night. Putting her to bed she suddenly announced that she wanted to go and live in England and was going to tell her Dad. She said she was going to call him over and we could have a meeting, the 3 of us and sort it out and all the fighting could stop and Mammy and Daddy could be friends again. Just for the record, I have done my best to shield her from it all but during the welfare assessments for the courts a stupid psychologist asked her out right if she wanted to move. Cat out the bag there.

To say I nearly fell off the edge of the bed was an understatement. I asked her over and over if this was what she really wanted and she was absolutely adamant that she did. And I can honestly say she seemed genuinely happy about it. I asked her if she was telling lies and she told me it was the truth and what she wanted.

Day after and it's back to school day. She comes out of school extremely happy and the first thing she tells me is that she's going to ring her Dad when she gets home to arrange this meeting. Which she does. He questions her a bit but she stands firm and says that she wants the 3 of us to sit down together. I suggest to her that she writes down the points she wants to say so that she doesn't get flustered or forget things. She decided to write him a letter, does it all herself and is rather delighted with herself and even rings my Mum and Dad to tell them she's done it.

Next day and as agreed in previous court hearings, as the school is bloody miles away and he won't let me move her to the local school here, then he's doing the school run. He arrives and takes her off to school. Half an hour later I gets an angry text from Batman saying that I have bullied and manipulated small child and devastated her and she doesn't want to live in England at all! I told him that the only person manipulating was him and she was absolutely fine until he got in her ear. I collected small child from school and she tells me that the meeting is off and she'd lied to me about it all.

Fuming!!!! Not only am I angry that small child has lied but it also then transpires that she told Batman that I forced her to write that letter to him and forced her to say all those things and to arrange the meeting.

I told her that she had to tell the people she'd lied to, including her Nanna and Grandad and also Batman. She did. My Mum was shocked as even she said there was a huge difference in her when she'd told her that she wanted to move and how happy about it she seemed. Batman was a different story. He said he didn't believe her that she'd lied and was all sympathetic towards her. I got on the phone to him and he said that she'd told him that she hates me, how I'd forced her into saying it all and not only that but how she wants to go and live with him! This is the child that told all the welfare assessors for the courts how she wanted to stay living with me.

In my fury I asked small child if she'd told Batman that - and she said she had, but she didn't mean it and she only said it to him because if she doesn't say bad things about Mammy then he won't pay her any attention or speak to her. Naturally he denies this.

I got off the phone and was physically sick and went to bed and there I remained until this morning. I had a stinking migraine and was that annoyed I couldn't face speaking to small child anymore. Her Granddad (Batman's Dad) arrived to do the school run yesterday and I asked him if he'd collect her from school also. He said he would and give her some dinner and then bring her home. He didn't. Instead after school he took her to Batman, she rang me and asked if she could stay there last night. I agreed. Well of course she wanted to stay there, he was heaping praise on her for lying (saying he didn't believe that she was lying).

I wasn't well at all yesterday and my poor mother rang me about 10 times as she was so concerned about me. She even offered to get on the next flight over. I told her not to as I'm going there next week and I just needed some peace. She was as shocked as me that small child would lie so much and said it showed the level of manipulation Batman had over her. I have to agree. My dear small child is slowly being turned against me, and she's playing us off against each other and he's playing right into her hands, and visa versa, she's playing right into his hands.

So today, and it just gets worse. I spoke with the legals. Not good. They said that so long as small child carries on doing this and saying stuff like that to Batman then there is absolutely no point in going back to court, to the extent that the legal aid are now wary of taking on the case as it lacks merit and is likely to fail and I will get hit for Batman's costs, likely to be in the €100K region!!!

Batman in his false "concern" for small child isn't worried about all her lying at all, but is more concerned about the manipulation and bullying I am doing and has booked us a mediation session with a child psychologist for in a few weeks. I told him fine, and we can sort out once and for all who she is lying to, where she actually does want to live and who with.

I also went to the doctors again today, as yesterdays migraine was far worse than previous. The doctor said quite simply, lose the stress in your life or face the prospect of losing your own life.

Clear and stark warning I think to sort this out once and for all.

So now the options have kind of changed. The campaign I suppose has kind of changed. Yes it is still about raising awareness as I dare say there are thousands of mothers out there in the same situation and find it very hard to find avenues of support (like I have done, thank god for Yummy Mammy and her legions of loyal supporters!). It's also about raising the awareness of emotional abuse, because lets face it, that is exactly what Batman is doing, and it's also about something called Parental Alienation. Now I'm not going to start going into the ins and outs of that on here as I'll be here all night if I do, but it's basically where one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent, usually involved in bitter custody battles (did I mention that Batman has tried and failed to get custody 3 times now). It is a form of psychological abuse, recognised and widely published about in America, but not a hope of getting it recognised here in Ireland. The UK are just starting to grasp it but it's still a long way of becoming a criminal offence. Forgot to say, Batman knows how sick I have been getting and said on the phone to me that he doesn't care and will carry on until he gets rid of me one way or another. Nice guy yea?

At present my options are this;

1. Carry on down the court road, but given the way small child is, that could see me on the road to losing and financial ruin and still stuck here.

2. Go for this mediation session, if small child says she wants to go and live with him then let her, I move back to England, and wait for it all to blow up in Batman's face. Because small child may think the grass is greener, it'll be a different story when she's with him every day and she realises that she only sees her Mammy every now and then because Daddy drove her away. Now I don't take this option lightly and I know it would be hard, but I also know my own child, and I know it wouldn't last. None of them can keep this facade up for long. It's easy when it's confined to access days. Lets see how long they can do it for when it's every day.

3. Give up, stay here, let Batman carry on this abuse towards me and as my doctor said, face losing my own life (and in all honesty I can feel it myself and god only knows how long my poor little already fragile body can hold out, let alone my mind). At which point I would lose small child anyway as I wouldn't be fit to look after her.

4. Do a runner, which would be going against all legal advice, take my chances being brought before a UK court, but if small child doesn't speak out and tell the truth then I'm up shit creek again, and will get ordered back to Ireland and probably face losing small child again.

5. Ummmmm Can't think of a number 5, so hence I'll ask you lot. Anybody any ideas? Anybody got a spare €100K they can throw in my direction? Oh and a new body wouldn't go a miss that isn't sick all the time. And a fool proof way of stopping small child being manipulated by Batman, oh and a way of stopping Batman doing all this.

You see the problem is that the rest of the EU seems to get with the programme and realises that since they opened up the boarders people have migrated, married outside of their own nationality and race and thus produced children. However with divorce rates on the increase there are going to be times when such marriages break down and people are going to want to return to their homelands. Thus the presidence was set down in the Payne v Payne case for such occurrences. However Ireland doesn't seem to get with this programme, and during the boom years it was quite happy for the rest of Europe to up sticks and move here to support the ever increasing economy. Now the boom years have gone and anyone that knows their global finances well enough knows that Ireland is well on it's way to bust. Boasting one of the biggest failing economies in Europe, coupled with Dublin being one of the most expensive cities in the world, tumbling house prices but the cost of living spiraling out of control, and lets not forget a government that is increases taxes, cutting benefits and can't afford to keep it's own people let alone the flood of migrants it now houses.

On top of all that Ireland has one of the worst family court systems in Europe, that has been highlighted in many reports, some of the highest legal fees worldwide, and a justice system that seems to only benefit the rich. It also is still quite a way behind in ensuring equal rights for women, in so much that in a recent survey of top level directors and management, Ireland had one of the lowest percentages in Europe of women working at the highest level. For many in Ireland, the view that a woman's place in firmly in the home, is still rife.

Yummy Mammy does not fit into this environment. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no feminist and I'm not about to start burning my bra, but I do believe that everyone has the right to equal rights and treatment. I know, first hand that I have not been treated fairly by the courts and when I have gone looking for help be it legal and practical help for the abuse I have suffered at the hands of Batman, help has not been forthcoming, well unless I pay top dollar for it that is or are prepared to go on a never ending waiting list, or live off absolutely no money at all to qualify fo free things, that yet again you go on a never ending waiting list for. The trouble is, I need help now, not next month or next year, but now.

So in spreading the word and reaching out to the world at large I am asking if there is anyone out there that can help. Surely there has to be an answer to all of this, or am I expected to live my life going round in these circles of crap forever? Not be able to discipline my own child because Batman will always be there telling small child how bad Mammy is for doing it. Have to put up with the constant abuse from Batman and the constant lies he tells. Not be able to build a life for myself because Batman will always be there causing hassle and no end of grief and ready to tear it apart at any given moment, and as for re-marrying or having more children. Forget it. How can I ever do that while I am here, because quite frankly I am petrified of ending up in the same situation all over again.

For anyone that has read this far, thank you, but please spread the word far and wide and re-tweet as much as possible and hope to dear god that somebody somewhere has the answer, because right now I have run out of answers, my energy levels have gone and my will to fight is slowly going. Now in saying my will to fight is going doesn't mean that I'm about to give up, it's just that I don't know what way to fight anymore. Every route I take I seem to hit a brick wall. My head now hurts too much from banging it against that brick wall.

HELP!!!!!!!

Save One Mammy - The Campaign Begins

2009-08-29T23:40:00.003+01:00

Well the campaign is now under way (well almost) and it can now all be found over at Save One Mammy along with the list of who will be blogging on which days. Ladies if you didn't get your email and haven't checked your date yet, then please do and let me know if I need to change it. Also if anyone else wants to join in then just let me know and I'll add you to the list. And if I've missed anyone that wanted to, then please feel free to throttle me and I'll stick you on the list.

And for anyone new that's wondering what it's all about well, sorry but you've got a ton of reading to do;

It all started when I posted this after a really bad day in court - Heart Broke

I then explained to you about how I felt being held Hostage

I came up with a few Coping Strategies

I then had one last go at talking sense to Batman - Show Down

And when that didn't work Save One Mammy was launched

Oh and before you ask, you can read all about the latest man here - Toyboy

And even if you don't blog then please join in on Twitter and re-tweet from SaveOneMammy and YummyMammy.

Right I'm done going linking crazy. Enjoy the rest of the weekend people and we'll chat more next week xx

Show Down

2009-08-28T13:45:00.012+01:00

Well I did it. I've had the show down. As soon as I got word that Batman was back I text him, remained cryptic enough so that he didn't know what I wanted to meet him about, and last night we met in a neutral venue and had a talk.

I remained extremely calm (for me), I didn't raise my voice at all, I was polite, sincere, even friendly. And when he did annoy me, I looked away, counted to ten, took a deep breath and carried on, politely.

WARNING

I may depress you more than usual.

I may bang my head off the computer screen numerous times.

I may raise issues that some won't like.

I may create a lynch mob for Batman.

Yep, you're guessing correctly. Batman ain't for budging.

The long and short of it being that he isn't prepared to let small child leave. But his argument is flawed in so many ways that it's just becoming even more ridiculous. The key points being;

* He says he understands and sympathises with the situation I am in.

* He knows full well that he can't afford his legal fees any longer, and if I get the maintenance I have asked for when we go back to court in October then he can't even afford to keep the roof over his head any longer. My point being that this is because he's paying a small fortune in legal fee's, when we could sort this out ourselves, and he could be spending that money on his kids.

* He wants to re-marry, but between them they have decided that they won't do that until all this is over and done with and paid for. So by my reckoning they'll be 20 years down the line before they get married.

* Whereby he now gets it that he's never going to get custody, he still thinks that I should go and leave small child behind. However in the next breath he says that he doesn't think it's for the best for small child to be without me.

* I pointed out that by him continuing to refuse he is retaining control of my life. He says no, that's not what he wants, however as me and small child come as a package, by controlling one he controls the other.

* He wants me to move on, get married again, have more kids, as he says that small child would love this. I told him that while I am forced to stay here this will NEVER happen.

* I explained to him that while we are involved in constant battles small child is stuck in the middle and as much as we try to shield her from it she is becoming far too aware of things and is stuck in the middle of a war zone. This is not good for her at all.

* He said that he isn't going to give in and will continue to fight me. I failed to see much concern from him about small child being stuck in the middle or any proposal from him as how to stop this.

* He says that he knows that unless something (him) gives we are probably going to spend years in court fighting. I told him that it was going to be a bloody long time then until small child is 18.

Conversation then moved on.

* I told him the legal side. That there is a president set down in the EU for such cases, specific judging standards, bitch judge hadn't followed them, plenty of other people have been allowed to move, some even much further away than the mere 135 miles I want to move. Eventually the courts are going to allow me to go, even if it means I have to take it to the EU courts. I have made him a very (very) good offer to allow us to go. I will not be repeating this offer in court. He will be at the mercy of the courts as to what access he gets. It won't be anywhere near as good as the offer I have made him. I told him that I am on legal aid now so costs aren't an issue for me. They are for him. I told him we could sort this out and end it all tomorrow, walk away and all of us get on with our lives and put it all behind us.

* I told him that life is all about give and take and at the moment I'm the one doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking. He is having everything his own way. Life just isn't like that. It's a trade off.

* I told him that I want my life back and I am not going to stop until I get it.

* Any issues or concerns that he may have over small childs welfare or his access can all be addressed quite easily and dealt with. That is the only concern he should have.

At this point I gave up. It was obvious that the conversation was going nowhere. He again said he understood and felt sorry for me and the situation I was in, but he was prepared to fight it out in court for years to come. I left.

See what I mean about his argument being flawed. It's full of contradictions. He wants me to move on, but won't let me. He knows he can't afford any of this and that he's actually putting his legal fee's before his kids welfare (as in, what happens when he can't afford to provide for them anymore because he has a solicitors bill to pay?). He knows that poor small child is stuck in the middle and that it's not good for her, but shows little or no concern as to how it's going to affect her the longer it goes on. He says that he will do everything he can to help, practically that is because he can't afford to financially. I told him that I am very reluctant to accept his help given the way he and Wicked Witch have behaved in the past. We all remember Mothers Day after all.

So is Batman technically backing himself into a corner? We've all known for a while that chances are all this would come down to money. And personally I still think it will. At some point he's either going to lose the roof over his head due to paying his solicitor or he'll have to make the choice between paying his solicitor or providing for both of his families. And I actually don't think that day is far off coming. I know the level of debt he's in. Logic alone says he can't continue for much longer like this. Wicked Witch isn't suddenly going to go out to work and earn a fortune. It's all on his head (financially). He can't sustain this much longer. And he still has the prospect of 3 cases going to court in October.

Well, I've shown him the way out now. If he chooses to carry on then more fool him. And Wicked Witch! What on earth is she thinking! She has her chance now to get rid of me and get him married as soon as possible, get rid of their debts and secure their future (don't forget they also have a baby together and she has made it very clear that she wants more). Like I said, there really is no logic to it at all.

So I got home, rang my Mum and BFF, kicked a few things, sulked a bit and really wanted a hug. No such luck since I'm home alone for a few more days as it's now Batman's access days. This then raised another "issue" for me. I know I said in my previous post that I was quite fine and happy with the Toyboy situation. I wasn't last night. I wanted a hug from Toyboy. I wanted to see him. Now obviously geography alone prevented that so there wasn't much I could do. Well lets just hope that he's full of hugs and nice things when I go back over in just 13 days (not that I'm counting or can tell you how many hours, minutes and seconds it is) and he doesn't decide to have a shy moment, be awkward, communicate via telepathy or just not show up or anything not good at all.

It's going to be a really long, hard 6 months. Reluctantly then I have to tell you that the campaign will now be going ahead. Details will be out to you shortly xx

Shhhhhhhhh. Do You Want To Know A Secret?

2009-08-25T16:56:00.012+01:00

Thought you might somehow.

Well we should all know at this stage that there isn't much secret round at Yummy Mammy Towers is there. And now Toyboy knows it all as well after having a right good read. Actually he got quite engrossed. It was the quietest he's been in a long time. Whoops. Ah well, like I said before it's not like I'd said anything bad about him, and he did redeem himself after that one bad moment, and he is still absolutely lovely. There isn't anything on here that I wouldn't tell him anyway and I'm sure his ego took a boost after reading all the nice stuff I said about him as well. And no, I'm not going to bottle him and sell him on eBay, he isn't that perfect you know.

Alright I'll stop now before Penelope runs for her sick bucket, Dutchy thinks she's visited the wrong place, MagnumLady goes out buying a hat with all The Little Nuts. OMG gives birth too early with the shock, Mindy thinks I've lost the plot (BTW loved the bit about sex-ting) and all The Disney 7 ( English Mum Laura Little Mummy Linda Family Affairs Dulwich Divorcee and Exmoor Jane ) hit me with the Mickey ears. Not forgetting The Bold Wifey one who got worried about Toyboy reading (panic over pet), and if I get far too slushy and god forbid I actually go all doe eyed over a bloke then Fab Finds Gal will be over to whip my arse too, closely followed by the other exiled Brit Nicola who will kick me really hard with them balls she's been growing, Katie will swear at me, albeit very theatrically, and Metro Mum will probably hit me with that stick of rock she brought me back off holiday. Chic Mama may try to steal him, I'll compare notes with Western Super Mum and then we can all go and bounce on YaYa's really cool big bouncy housey thing.

So ladies, be nice, after all, Toyboy will probably be reading this (hey we all know curiosity got the better of him once so I dare say it will again). And anything we don't want him reading I'll just put it on the private posts ;-) Oh he's so going to be asking about that now.

Right, so what's been happening. Well I'm back now from my 2 week break and dash around. It all went far too quick and I didn't do half the things I wanted to. Naturally me and Mr Smirnoff spent a lot of time together, as ever in the local pub (and OMG that soap opera is sooooooo on the way, the gossip in that place!!). And Toyboy is still ace, as previously mentioned and more in a mo. I'm back in Dublin now, but only for another 16 days and then I'm off again.

Speaking of which, time to get all serious. I think I'm back on that roller coaster again. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing though. When I'm there I'm all stress free and happy. I have loads of people around me who know how shit it's all been, they've known me a bloody long time so they know that even though I'm good at putting a smile and a brave face on, underneath it all there have been times when I've been close to crumbling. They just get it. I saw some of the friends that had been over in May for small childs communion and they commented on how different I am when I'm over there to how I am when I'm here. We've known each other since being babies so they know me well enough to be able to say that when I'm there I'm me. I'm the same me I've always been. When I'm here, I'm not.

I get to the airport to come back here and it all starts hitting me again just what I'm coming back to. I sit at the departure gate waiting to get on the plane and have this big long debate with myself about actually getting on the plane. For the past few times I've had small child with me so the debate is usually interrupted by her asking for something or attempting to wander off. This time was different. She wasn't with me and the debate was long and hard. She is still on holiday with Batman so I knew I was coming back to an empty house. Not good. The plane was delayed thus lengthening the debate even more. I have to admit, I very nearly didn't get on the plane. I was very close to turning round and going back to my Mum's. Eventually though I got on the plane, got back to Dublin, only to be greeted by shitty shitty bang bang car having a flat battery due to the alarm having gone off for the last 5 days. I checked the time. There was still time to go back to the airport and get on the last plane back. Instead I rang the AA and waited for them to come and rescue me. If only life was like a fairytale and the AA man was really a knight in shinning armour on his big white horse and he comes galloping along and makes everything OK again. Eventually I got home and sulked.

I now have to do this another 8 times, at least, on my own, before something may or may not happen with the courts. The longer it goes on the harder it's going to be to get back on that plane.

See what I mean about the roller coaster. Far too many highs and lows. Am I doing myself more harm than good by making all these trips when it does provoke such extreme highs and lows in me? On the other hand it does make the time go quicker. Can you believe it's been 2 months since Heart Broke the time has gone that quick that the million and one things I knew I had to do then I still haven't done. Best get my arse into gear really hadn't I. But on the other hand I've had a brilliant summer (despite that minor set back in the middle there) and compared to what I thought it was going to be like 2 months ago, well things are a lot different I suppose.

So what am I going to do about it? Well Batman will be back off holiday at the end of the week so I'm going to attempt to get him to meet me for a summit meeting / show down / set me free or I may kill you meeting. I still haven't decided what tactic I'm going to use with him. I thought at first that pointing out the financial side was the best option, however my Mum thinks this may be the wrong way as if he's stupid enough to not realise that himself and know how much debt he is potentially taking on, then more fool him. She thinks that the best option is telling him that this can all be over tomorrow and we can all get on with our lives in peace. We've worked out a plan whereby he would actually see small child the same number of days per year as what he does now. And he needs to know that I don't want this life I have now, not for me or small child, and I won't stop fighting this until I have the life I want for us. We think it should also be pointed out to him that by his constant battling with me it's starting to look as though it's me he won't let go of when the whole issue of access to small child has been dealt with. And this has been said to me by quite a few people now. At some point Wicked Witch is also going to start thinking this. Is he hanging on for the control or because he can't let go of the past that has long since gone? I know if I was Wicked Witch what I'd be thinking.

I'm quite nervous about it all. Knowing Batman it won't make the slightest bit of difference but with the legal stuff going to start again in the next few weeks I think it's now or never. And for all the campaigners ready to go, once I've had the show down, if it doesn't go well, then we shall crack on. I have all the stuff ready for you and the list drawn up but I'll only send it after the meeting, just in case. And if we are going ahead with it all then it will start as planned on September 4th from Save One Mammy. Lets all keep our fingers crossed that we don't need it.

So now you all want to know about what's been happening with Toyboy. Well not a lot to report really. No drama. Sorry. Well apart from way too many people seem to have an opinion on the situation. My god we seem to have caused the gossips to go into over drive. I can't believe how many random people seem to want to tell me things, to be careful, what am I doing with him etc. Not sure if it's the shock factor, huge gossip factor given that between us we pretty much know everyone in the damn village or just this months current scandal but flippin eck, we seem to have caused quite a stir there. Naturally he's oblivious to it all. Well so he says. But everything is fine and I'm actually quite liking this casual / when I'm there / non full on relationship type thing. It suits. I haven't got the head space to deal with anything else and I think I'm also far too busy reclaiming my lost youth and making up for time wasted from the years of Batman and He Whose Name to even think about anything serious or settling down again. But I do like reclaiming that youth in the company of Toyboy. And if I'm being really honest, after all those years of He Whose Name, I've still got a lot of my own issues to get over. But I'll get there in my own little way, it just takes time.

And He Whose Name told me himself last week (yes I know it's still all very bizarre that we are now friends) that anyone would struggle a bit after what he put me through, but I'm a tough old bird and if I can survive him then I can do anything. And he taught me well and made sure I'm nobodies fool now. I'll know if it's right or not. I know, even more bizarre that he takes credit for teaching me well. But at the moment Toyboy is right, it suits and that's just fine with me.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things to tell you but I'm still very tired and struggling to keep my eyes open so for now that will have to do xx

He's My.............

2009-08-21T16:21:00.006+01:00

Due to a few loose lips (of mine, blame Mr Smirnoff, again) and a curious Toyboy attempting to get information out of me, I kinda think he's on the verge of discovering Yummy Mammy. Whoops. Ah well, it's not like I've said anything bad about him anyway.

So to counteract him potentially finding me out I'm going to write a really nice post about him and tell you all the reasons why I absolutely adore him.

He's gorgeous
He's verrrrrrrry sexy
He's a bloke (no hogging the mirror and taking longer than me to get ready)
He's very loving, kind and caring
He has the most devine lushious lips that I love kissing
He has the best thighs you could ever imagine
He has a heart of gold and not a bad bone in his body
He's my friend, a good friend (very important)
He isn't afraid to share "too much information" with me, which includes details of bodily functions (seemingly a sign of being comfortable)
He looks at me with doe eyes and I can't help but smile

So surely you must be wondering what his bad points are, after all, we all have them.

He communicates via telepathy
He really knows how to pick his moments of when to go shy on me, usually making me look a tick in the process (but I know he doesn't mean it, and he isn't up there on the confidence levels like me and I just have to remember that).

And I think that's pretty much it. I can't think of any other bad points. Damn. Now if he reads this his ego will be the size of a house and his head won't fit through the door.

So I'll leave you with this cracking tune from the 80's. It's just so apt xx

Time To Think

2009-08-16T13:35:00.002+01:00

Aren't I good hey, blogging from my holidays. Just a brief one though. I'm still alive, having a good time. Plenty to tell, although yet again a bit of a roller coaster. But that can all wait till week two is over and there will probably be more to tell.

But in the meantime I've had a bit of time to think. This is what I'm going to do;

Batman
For some odd reason, please don't ask me why, sometimes I feel guilty about knowing that I am gearing up to give him a really hard time. Now don't get me wrong, I think we all know at this stage that he's got a lot coming to him and karma is gonna bite him so hard some day, but you know what. It doesn't have to be like this does it? It really doesn't and shouldn't be like this. I mean, for gods sake, we have a child together, we are both loving parents, we are stuck with each other for the rest of our lives, like it or not.

So, deep breath, don't panic, I'm not about to give in. He's taking small child away on holiday next week, when he returns I'm going to have one last go at sitting him down, as calm as possible, point out all the potential pitfalls and minefields that lay ahead. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if things carry on like this, no matter what the courts say, it can't ever end nicely. There are too many other things hanging in the balance here, and unless we sort this out, like adults and he starts playing fair and accepting that the past is gone, he needs to also be thinking of his new family now and the potential disaster he could also be creating for them as well. I'll try to again make him the best possible offer I can and at the same time make sure he understands that he can put an end to all of this right now or face possibly years of the same crap over and over again.

He probably won't listen and will tell me where to go. But at least I will have tried. At least my conscience will be clear when the shit really does hit the fan.

Toyboy
I just have to remember that;
He is younger
He isn't a mid 30's divorcee with a child
He doesn't know how to act with me sometimes (in public)
He hasn't mastered the art of communication all that well
He isn't as experienced as me
I have to be gentle with him
Take each day as it comes
Not read too much into things
He is the loveliest bloke I have ever met
I have all the time in the world to sort the finer details out later (after all I am currently living in limbo)
Just stick with it, be patient, this one's a keeper.

Always easier said than done isn't it!

Leaving On A Jet Plane / One Day At A Time

2009-08-09T18:11:00.004+01:00

Oh I've come over all John Denver haven't I. But tomorrow I'm off on my travels again and I just can't wait!! I'm more excited than a 6 year old on Christmas Eve. Bags are packed, numerous new outfits have been purchased, de-fuzzing has been done (well it's only polite isn't it), fake tan has been topped up, toe nails painted, finger nails, ummmm, yea forget it they went long ago, I'll buy some stick on ones instead. Hair was cut a couple of weeks ago and is holding out well and for some reason I seem to have a bit of a twinkle in my eyes. I wonder why.

Only problem is that after a slight logistical nightmare tomorrow morning I won't be able to make the Butlins trip. So very sorry to those that thought they would finally get to meet Yummy Mammy in the flesh, but due to a work thing I have to do first thing, followed by bad flight times and even worse train connection times, which would have meant travelling very late on public transport with small child (not good) I've had to cut my loses on that one.

But now two weeks in my little northern village can't come soon enough. Well it's not quite two weeks as I've to nip back here mid way through to bring small child back so she can then go on holiday with Batman, but as soon as she is deposited with him, I'm back on my little jet plane again.

So it's two full weekends with my lovely Toyboy, who I can't wait to see now after our talk the other night, and hopefully we'll get some time in between the weekends together and he won't get so bogged down with work this time. But at least I'll be in the same place as him so last minute things can be arranged. I'm just so excited!!!!!!

Now I've tempted fate and it could all go very wrong, so everyone send me a million positive vibes that nothing goes wrong and I return completely and utterly loved up. Naturally I'll update you while I'm gone from my mothers extremely slow computer and as I'm blackberry roaming enabled these days, those in the know can email me if their need for gossip gets too much and you just have to know.

**********************************

I found this post yesterday that I wanted to share with you, One Day At A Time. There is a quote in it that I loved;

"One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone: and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." - Ida Scott Taylor

I think that quote sums up so much for me and I hope it does for you too.

So until my next post and hopefully loads of fantastic things to tell you, loads of love to you all xx

P.S. I'm going to finish off the campaign stuff next week while I have some peace during the day at mother dears. In the mean time I'm still looking for a few more volunteers so if you haven't shouted up yet then just let me know and I can stick you on the list. Cheers my dears.

My Baby

2009-08-07T00:05:00.005+01:00

I don't really talk about small child that often. Well I do, but more in passing than anything to really do with her. So I thought it was about time I told you a bit more about my little mini me.

So for a start, yes, she is a complete mini me. There would never be any doubt that she is my baby. You'd pick her out in a crowd as being mine. Some of my readers have seen pictures so they know what I mean.

Personality wise, again, she is just like me. Although her personality is more what I became as I got older, not what I was like as a child. My mother would tell you I was a lively enough child. I would disagree. I was always a well behaved child, I just discovered alcohol young enough and it's all been down hill ever since. I think my mother would agree with me when I say I got livelier as I got older.

Small child is a live wire already. Now, one thing you'll never hear me say is that she is a naughty child. Because she isn't. She's actually as good as gold, and she has a heart of gold. But she has a huge personality and it shines through. Everyone adores her. Other mothers love having her over to play with their kids as they all say she's a delight to be around. When we had to go through the whole welfare reports, one of the assessors described her as a little ray of sunshine. And as much as I do try to protect her from everything that is going on, it has been her that has been there to give me a hug and a kiss when she knows that no matter how many times I tell her Mammy is fine, she knows I'm not.

She's very entertaining to be around. She's the queen of the one liners and says the funniest things sometimes. I've told you before about how I bring her along to the local pub with me sometimes for a few drinks early on. This is more because everyone asks me to bring her out as she provides the entertainment. I find it funny that blokes in their 20's and 30's would request the presence of a child in the pub of an early evening as they enjoy her being there. I thought most of us escaped to the pub to get a break from the kids. Not so in small child's case.

And why do I call her small child? Because she's really little for her age, but ever so cute as well. Saying that I'm a tiny little thing myself so I was never going to have a big baby anyway, and she was tiny when she was born and still is. But my god she's beautiful. And I'm not just saying that because she's mine. Sometimes I look at her and think wow, how beautiful is she, and she's mine!

Unfortunately the one thing she got from her Dad was his brains. She's not the smartest when it comes to school and needs quite a bit of extra help. But what she lacks academically she makes up for in charm and seems to have already worked out that when she can't do something she just has to smile sweetly at the nearest boy and he'll gladly do it for her. This has caused endless problems for her teachers, breaking up fights between boys when she changes boyfriends quicker than the wind changes, but the teachers always tell me that she'll go far. She has the art of manipulation down to a tee.

Yep, that's my girl. And she's a good old chip off the block.

P.S. I've updated the private post as well. Bit of a dilemma I could do with some advice on.

And We Can All Breath A Huge Sigh of Relief

2009-08-04T20:57:00.003+01:00

Would you get Demi there with her toyboy. Seemingly they are all the rage. Demi was the original, but now all the leading ladies have them. Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Eva Longoria, Kim Cattrall, and even the likes of Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Anniston have been known to dip their toes in the water, and Joan Collins has made it an art form.

Well ha! They can all move over, cause now Yummy Mammy has her very own Toyboy! See, I knew I was right about this one.

As you may have gathered I sent the text. My god did my nerves jangle. But after lots of words of encouragement on Twitter, a few emails exchanged to consider wording, at 10.30pm last night, my itchy fingers got the better of me. And bloody hell, he didn't make it easy. It took him 20, yes 20 minutes to reply. In that time I downed two glasses of wine and smoked about 10 fags. But he replied.

Anyway, I'll cut out the boring crap in between cause at first it was all a bit cryptic and I was struggling to weigh him up. Anyway, then we spoke for ages and when I finally got off the phone to him at 1.30am a lot had been resolved.

Firstly he said that he hadn't meant that he didn't want a relationship at all, he'd meant that as I had a lot on my plate as it was he didn't want to add to my complications. He said that it had all come out wrong and he hadn't meant things the way they had sounded and hadn't wanted to leave things the way we had. I explained that I knew a full on type relationship was never going to be on the cards at the moment as it was just way too complicated and I didn't want him getting involved in all my shit. But we are mad about each other.

So we have decided that for the time being we are having a sort of part time relationship, if that makes sense. I go there every other week and in that time I want to forget all the crap I have going on here and instead have my other life where I spend loads of time enjoying myself with Toyboy. It's a bit like dating, only with a set timescale and both knowing that we are together, and he won't be going off with any other women while my back is turned. He just won't be getting involved with all my legal stuff and my life here or small child. And then if I get moved in 6 or so months then we will have gone through the whole dating and getting to know each other stage and we can take it from there. Oh and someone had mentioned to him about being a step dad to small child. Freakin idiot whoever that was.

So I suppose in a way I'm kind of leading a double life now. But it also gives me a good excuse to get up off my arse and get things sorted and get bloody moved!

For anyone that has missed out on the campaign stuff or hasn't read how it all started then I've linked the various posts below. If you haven't already contacted me and would like to get involved then either leave a comment below or email me. We shall be kicking off the campaign on September 4th and already I have nearly filled September with bloggers will to jump on board, but the more the merrier and you know I will be eternally thankful to you all. And yes, you can all come to the welcome home party.

So this is how it all began - Heart Broke

About being held hostage - Hostage

And how I plan to cope with it all and get the campaign under way - Coping Strategies

I currently have a big long list of email address and I plan to send out all the stuff to you at the end of this week because after that I will be in England for nearly 2 weeks and then when I get back, it's back to school for small child and then we can kick off the campaign.

Lets get me home and to my lovely Toyboy xx

In The Cold Light Of Day

2009-08-02T20:03:00.003+01:00

I know I was right!

Despite everything, I know I was right. As a few people commented on my previous post that only I know what Toyboy was like with me, and lets face it, I think we can safely say I've been around the block enough times now to know when I'm being played. I was not being played.

I even took advice on the matter from He Whose Name....... (I know bizarre!) and he said, nope, I was not being played. You know the whole only 7% is what we say and the rest is body language. Well I'm sorry, but 100% of Toyboy showed that I was not being played. He Whose Name thinks that somebody has said something and that has stuck in his mind, played havoc with it, and rather than talking to me about it, he's pulled the emergency stop cable.

Now in saying that I don't think anyone has said anything nasty, probably along the lines of, what are you doing getting involved with a 30 something divorcee with a kid. I'm sure that would stick in any 26 year olds mind. Instead of talking to me about it, he's got all freaked and cold feet. Now if he had of spoken to me about it rather than behaving like an idiot then I would have told him straight that I don't want him to get involved in all my shit. If anything his involvement would complicate things more, I don't want him getting involved with small child at the moment, as that would lead to Batman knowing and again just complicate matters all the more. For the time being I would rather he was kept at arms length from all my "baggage" as he referred to it. And remember, that's how the conversation started. He referred to my "baggage" as something he felt was a lot to take on. Somebody had put that in his mind hadn't they, in a negative way, because he already knew about it all. Now I know by keeping him at arms length that is almost like saying I want a part time boyfriend. Well surely that suits to a certain extent. I have my life here that I just sort of get on with, counting down the days each week until I go back there. I go there to get away from all the crap here. If he gets involved with all my crap, then the crap follows me round. When I go there I like to leave my crap in my car at the airport and not think about it until I get back in the car to come home again. Does that make sense? I suppose in a way, I want to lead a double life for now. Have all the crap here and all the good stuff there.

And lets not forget, this is a bloke that I have known for a long time now. I absolutely know that he isn't another bad guy. I know, in my heart and my mind that he was being genuine with the things he said and the way he was with me. This is a guy that has been looking at me like a love struck puppy for months now. And come on, anyone that has followed me for long enough knows I'm an old cynic and I don't believe anything that anyone says to me. Well OK not strictly true, but where the male of the species is concerned I do tend to take it all with a bloody big pinch of salt and it takes a lot to convince me. I was convinced with this one. I actually let my guard down and allowed myself to like this one.

But now we have a stand off. The dating guide handbook, that was very kindly sent to me by one reader, thank you, says that I should not call, never, ever, call a bloke. No text, email, facebook, nadda, nothing. I have to sit and wait, and wait. And according to the guide, he will be back. Men just get a bit scarred by their own feelings sometimes and they need time to digest it all. If I remain silent eventually he'll come running. So I'm waiting, but my god do I have itchy fingers! It's damn hard this not contacting thing, especially when I think I know the answers in my own mind, we just need to talk, but no, I am not making the first move. Why should I? If I do then it looks as though I am apologising, but he's the one that's behaved like a prize arse, not me. OK, so I gave him a bit of a mouthful in that text, but quite frankly he deserved it for coming out with that terrible line. A bit of fun!

Now I know I'm sort of contradicting myself a little when I say I got annoyed with him saying the bit of fun line when I say I want all the good stuff while I'm there. But what I mean is, I go there we have a great time together, I'm here I just get on with day to day life, but it doesn't mean that I want to forget about him when I'm here or never speak to him. I think I mean more that I don't want either of us to be going off with other people. OK, that probably doesn't make sense, but I'm sure somebody somewhere gets it. Oh can we just blame it on Batman, everything is so much easier when we blame Batman.

So, with just a week to go now before I'm back there I have a few options as to what to do;
A) Remain silent and just wait till I get there. I know he looks at my facebook page so he'll know when I'm there. He already does know all my dates anyway, but I'm sure the facebook page will remind him, along with various other people saying stuff. Ball is then in his court as to whether he contacts me, although if he doesn't then that could lead to one hell of a very awkward moment when our paths do cross, which they will.
B) Send him a quick text a day or two before I go reminding him that I'll be there and perhaps suggest meeting up, on our own, so as to avoid the public awkward moment when all eyes will be on us waiting for a reaction.
C) Not contact him, avoid him, then when I know our paths will definitely cross, make sure I look as hot as hell, be my ultra fabulous self and make sure he knows exactly what he's missing (this also has a down side though as it will be in the pub, we will both get drunk and I will turn into an outrageous flirt, he'll have no self control and we'll be back to square one. Not the best of moves maybe).
D) Avoid him like the plague, go anywhere but in the local pub (which may prove difficult) and make sure I am sending a very clear signal that I do not wish to be in his company, after all, as one reader pointed out, how can we possibly remain friends now, and if I have got it completely wrong, do I want a friend like that who can treat me like that? I think not.

So I think the big question really is, do I give him another chance, let him explain himself, do a bit of explaining myself. In that, look sunshine I am not about to become a nagging wife overnight and demand that you spend your Saturday afternoons with me shopping for shoes that I will never wear as we shall be spending our Saturday nights from now on either having cosy dinners for two or watching X-Factor, swiftly followed by Sundays in Ikea and a roast dinner with my mother. When actually if the truth be known, I don't want him to change, it's the drunken village idiot that I actually quite like and I am happy to carry on as we have been doing for months, sitting in our local pub on a Saturday night, with our mutual friends, having burping competitions. Because believe it or not, those drunken nights and the laughs we have had have been what has kept me going through some very rough few months. I am not about to go all bridezilla on him the minute my divorce comes through and demand a rock on my finger and his and hers bathrobes. And as far as small child is concerned he will remain as is, one of Mammy's friends in the pub. End of.

Bloody hell hey, I know they say the path to true love never ran smooth, but just for once, wouldn't it be nice to have no drama. Just for once wouldn't you all like to come and visit and I have a nice tale to tell. It all gets very exhausting this emotional roller coaster sometimes and I know I'm a tough old bird, but if there is a God, then please, just for once, give me a freakin break will ya!

And hey, I'm a hot Mammy (so I'm told) he should be lucky to have me wanting to step out on his arm xx

Part 2 - In Which I Cry

2009-07-28T00:02:00.012+01:00

Stark contrast hey.

So after yesterdays post in which I laughed a lot and headed off to the airport in great form I suppose you want to know why I've come home and I'm now crying. Well you should know by now that it's never simple is it. Never bloody straight forward around these parts is it.

Back to Wednesday and I arrived back in my little village over in England. I was hardly in the door and BFF arrived to drag me out to the infamous little local pub (I swear I could write a whole soap opera about that pub). And naturally I was dying to see Toyboy. OK, back track slightly to the previous day. I had text Toyboy to remind him I was home the following day. A few quite funny texts where exchanged which was good as I hadn't heard from him in a few days and was doing my paranoid mad woman thing thinking that maybe he had gone cold on me. So I arrives in pub and a couple of his friends are there but no sign of him. After debating with BFF and barmaid, we decided that I should text him to ask if he was joining us. He replied saying he was stuck in work late so wouldn't be able to get there. Damn! I played it cool and didn't reply.

Thursday. Not a word from him.

Friday. Girlie night out, to the local pub (exciting lot aren't we). Loads of gossiping and lots of drink and still no sign of Toyboy. Eventually he appears, says hello and goes over to talk to some others. Ummmmmm. Well alright he was hardly going to walk into a group of 9 women to make a move was he. Night progresses and we eventually are on our own. I told him that I'd thought that maybe he'd gone a bit cold on me. He said I was barking bloody mad to think that and no way was he going cold. I'll cut out the smooching and other bits in between and fast forward to a conversation on Saturday morning (fill your own blanks in there but go figure we are still in each others company the following morning). I can't remember how this bit came about but the important bit is that I was saying that I wasn't prepared to be an every two weeks shag piece, get into anything that was going to wreck my head, be complicated or just not good for me in general, it's just not what I want or need right now. And I was absolutely crystal clear about it. He again said I was barking mad to even think he'd be like that. He knew the score with me well enough and said he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't the type to settle for anything less than what I want or stand for any messing. Now remember that for later.

Saturday. Lots of girlie gossip during the day and the general opinion being that Toyboy is smitten. I go off to the wedding I was attending but as Toyboy was occupied on a sporting field till late I took small child as my plus one. She's a pretty good plus one and getting quite used to it at this stage but as I had her with me I didn't want to stay late and had also arranged to meet Toyboy back at the pub. My cousin who was also there and driving took us home at a reasonable time and after depositing child back with the folks I headed off with my cousin for a few drinks and for him to vet Toyboy. Turned out they already knew each other. Why I didn't think of that in the first place given that it is the old local village. Completely different this time around and Toyboy is all over me, publicly, oh and also in full view of Paddy, who by the way, was eyeing me up! The cheek! He even tried to make conversation with me, I shot him down quick enough. BFF's husband also turns up and gives Paddy a few naff off glances. Closing time me and Toyboy leave together, publicly, in full view of everyone. It was now public knowledge.

Back home and on our own and he was so sweet and lovely, telling me all sorts, key points being that I was amazing, he was mad about me and at one point I remember thinking to myself, bloody hell if he carries on like this he'll be telling me he loves me in an hour or two! Now remember that one for later.

Sunday. I made him late for playing football. Whoops. Lots of girlie gossiping again. Yep, he's smitten they all say. Absolutely no doubt about it. I've got myself a good un there. Girlie's are relieved and happy.

Night time. It's tradition when I'm home that we all have a Sunday session. I allow small child to come out with us for a while. She thinks it's a treat that she gets to come out with the grown ups. It's also me giving my Mum a few hours break and everyone makes a big fuss of small child, she loves it, everyone is happy. So anyway, small child was in fine form and keeping the whole pub entertained and The Unsuitable One and Paddy are paying her loads of attention. Toyboy arrives very late, odd, is almost reserved, hardly says a word, ignores small child and doesn't sit with us. Very odd. One of the other girlie's takes small child home for me so I can go out for a smoke to speak to Toyboy. He is stood out there with a few others, again hardly says two words and goes back inside leaving me out there on my own. Very, very odd.

End of the night. Conversation is still limited. Oh hang on I forgot a bit. Another male friend had called in for a quick drink just to say hello. He'd also been at the football earlier in the day and said that he'd over heard my name mentioned in the company of Toyboy. I quizzed him about what was said but he said it was nothing bad at all just a few of the other lads asking Toyboy about me. Male friend said that if anything bad had been said he would tell me and would have said something to them as he wouldn't have stood there listening to anyone bad mouth me. I believed him, I have known him for 30 something years.

Right back to the end of the night and we are all now sat together and Toyboy and two of his friend say that they are going. He literally gets up to go with a brief goodbye and see you in two weeks. Hang on a minute says me and drags him outside, with a what the fuck's going on here talk about make me feel completely and utterly used. He says that's not the case and he's now thinking that I'm asking him to take a lot on. He's also saying this while giving me that same love struck look, hugging and kissing me. I tell him that he knew the position I'm in well before anything happened between us and I wasn't actually asking him to take anything on at all. My shit is my own shit and I deal with it and would not expect him to get involved in any of it at all. He says that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants and that he doesn't want to talk about it when we've both been drinking and he'd get off work early the next day and come and see me before I go. I instinctively know that something isn't right. He goes his way and I go mine. I get home and cry. In the space of 12 hours Toyboy has done a very dramatic u turn on me and I have absolutely no idea why. I knew full well what was coming next and I just didn't want to have that whole conversation where I would end up trying to convince him that I wasn't asking him to take anything on at all and he's already made his mind up that it's not what he wants (even though I don't know why). I text him and basically said that. He didn't reply.

Monday. Eventually he replied to my text saying OK but he didn't want me to think he'd messed me around and still wanted to be friends.

Well lets face it, he has messed me around and I just don't get it. And that's what I replied. He said that wasn't his intention and I asked what his intention was because I just don't get it and unless I'd completely got it wrong everything was fine Sunday morning but by the night he'd done a complete u turn on me. He said, now wait for this. He must have got it wrong as he thought we was just having a bit of fun and he didn't want the whole relationship thing.

A bit of fun.

Red rag to a bull.

I replied: Well that certainly wasn't the impression you gave me that it was just a bit of fun and I was very clear with you the other night that I was not into that sort of thing. I really didn't think you was just feeding me a load of lines to get what you wanted but obviously I got it wrong and we can leave it at that.

He didn't reply. Not that I expected him to after that.

The girlie's where summoned and a mothers meeting was hastily called on the park. Kids on swings, mothers on benches smoking brains out in shock. Not one of them could believe it, all said they really did not think he was like that at all. All expected better of him. All agreed that it did not make sense at all. General opinion is that;

A) He's got spooked by how he feels.
B) He's got spooked by actually thinking about my situation (even though he already knew it).
C) Somebody has said something, but then male friend says absolutely no way, and none of us could think of who would say anything or why (Paddy has been ruled out as being a potential shit stirrer, long story for another day).
D) He's had us all fooled for years and he is just another shit bloke.

Lets face it, I've been around the block a few times and I think at this stage I'm getting good at spotting when I'm being played. I really did not think he was. I was there, I know how he was, I know the things he said. If I was being played then he's the best I've ever known at doing it and he's damn good at playing the part well. I'd always said, and so had everyone else, that he was the most straight down the line bloke I knew, 100% genuine and a heart of gold.

And it was all bad timing as I then had to leave to go to the airport. I got to the airport, locked myself in a toilet and cried again. Got home and cried again. So maybe I'm just being all girlie hormonal or something, or just taking it badly, or just not getting it at all. Because I really just don't get it. And now I don't know what to do as I'm back there again in two weeks, for nearly two weeks, so I'm bound to see him, it's going to be damn awkward to say the least, it's going to cause a divide in the friends and I also feel like I've lost a good friend as well.

So what do I do? Demand an explanation? Leave it till I'm there and see what happens or speak to him before I get there? Girlie's also think that when I go back in two weeks he's also going to be all confused seeing me as it's been so obvious for so long that he fancied me, but if I'm nice to him is that opening up the doorway to potentially being used (again, maybe). But if I don't speak to him then it's just going to make it more awkward but am I protecting myself if I do that? And if he doesn't contact me before I go then to me that says that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Or said the wrong thing. Or just been an idiot.

See what I mean. It all just got very head wrecking, confusing and complicated. Really not what I need right now. But it's something I'm going to have to deal with at some point given my extensive travel plans to be over there quite a lot until court stuff gets sorted.

Never straight forward and never bloody simple. It's all just fuckingbloodybollocks. I stole that great word from the lovely Lady P who has bogged off on holiday leaving me to my own devices and Dutch Bitch teaching me to swear in Dutch.

Anyone any ideas?

Part 1 - In Which I Laugh

2009-07-27T23:13:00.004+01:00

Right so I'm back, absolutely wrecked, so very, very tired, but as promised I thought I'd better blog before I do anything else. See how I get my priorities in order there. No washing on yet, not even a bag unpacked, hardly a cup of tea or glass of wine drunk, but yet here I am to tell you what happened last week. You will also notice that this is a two part blog as so much has happened since last Wednesday, and it starts out with my laughing and ends, well, you can wait until tomorrow for part two.

So back to last Wednesday and there I was back in court, yet again. At this stage I figure I have more court appearances than a career criminal. So there I was waiting to go in and the phone rings. It was the legal aid board telling me that the funds are going to be approved (pending me dropping off the case file this week) at which point I very nearly ran for the door thinking feck it someone else can deal with all this in future. I didn't. Batman was there at this point with his legal entourage so I thought it polite to not leg it right there and then.

Then I gets another call. Now are you ready for this. You'll be shocked. I got a call from a "friend" saying that they where there, at court, looking for me. They had turned up to give me some moral support. Can you guess who that friend was? I bet you can't. Actually I bet you wouldn't guess in a million years. So I won't keep you hanging. It was He Whose Name.......!!!!

OK, so now I hear the gasps of shock as you read that so I'd better explain. Since our last meeting and conversation I cut contact completely (sorry new readers but you may have to do some research here). A few weeks ago I get a random email from him, apologising and saying that he still wanted to be friends. I was sceptical but as I was going through my mini nervous breakdown at the time, and he was actually very kind, I gave in and opened up communication again. I spoke to him a few days before last weeks court day and said something along the lines that if he was the good friend he claims to be then he'd be there for me and offer the moral support. I never expected him to turn up. I think I said to him something like pigs would fly all over Dublin if he did something genuine for me as a friend without any hidden agenda. Christ on a bike did I get a bloody big shock when he did turn up.

So there we was outside the courts having a smoke, chatting away like best buddies (told you it was bizarre) all while being watched by Batman and Wicked Witch. That pair did not look happy at all and you could see the curious looks being thrown as they didn't have a clue who I was stood there with having the laugh of my life (I have always been very careful to never let Batman anywhere near any of my men). I could see Batman getting madder and madder as me and He Whose Name laughed more and more. I knew exactly what Batman was thinking, there I am costing him an absolute fortune and treating it all like a bloody big joke.

Hours we stood there. It seemed bitch judge wanted to keep us waiting. I was getting concerned that I had a flight to catch. Just before the courts broke for lunch and when I could see Batman was fit to burst I decided I'd had enough of waiting around and was off home. Stuff it. Yea I need the money sorting and would have liked the divorce to have gone through, but given that I knew how much it was costing Batman, and he's pleading poverty (my arse) I figured it was more fun having wound him up all morning to now cost him more in legal fees than I've actually asked for in maintenance. I went up to his solicitor and said that I had to go, now, so either settle it or I'm off and we can all come back in October (courts don't sit over summer). Solicitor then decided to have a stand up argument with me over the actual figure, I wouldn't accept it, then managed to get two minutes in front of the judge. I refused to accept what he was offering, bitch judge got pissed off with me, and adjourned it until October saying that he had to pay the difference between what I asked for and what he'd offered and we'll sort it out in 3 months time. I caught a sly look at Batman. He looked like he was about to burst into tears mouthing to his solicitor that he can't afford it. Yea, but he can afford €2000 a day in court and because it got adjourned it's going to cost him even more.

Now do the maths here people. He's nearly having a nervous breakdown over paying me maintenance, that he is legally obliged to do so. His legal bills are mounting, big time, and now come October I will have 3 cases in the various different courts against him, that he's going to have to pay legal fee's for, and I'm on legal aid for. Do you somehow think that maybe I might finally have the upper hand?

So really nothing actually got sorted but I think the laugh I had, the bizarre appearance of He Whose Name and the look on Batman's face was so worth it.

I dashed from the court, collected small child and set out for the airport for my few days of little home town village life, that local pub that is the centre of the universe for gossip, a wedding, Toyboy and a near run in with Paddy! Part 2 of this post tomorrow, you may need wine for it xxx

I'm Still Standing

2009-07-23T12:14:00.004+01:00

Don't have time to tell you the details of what happened yesterday, but it was by far the funniest court date I have ever had and the guest appearance of someone I really wasn't expecting to turn up offering moral support made it even funnier. I got in the car afterwards, still laughing and this song was on the radio. I think it sums everything up, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Until next week xx

Lazy Sundays

2009-07-19T16:39:00.003+01:00

Today I have ...................

Yep, I've done absolutely feck all. It's not often that I blog on a Sunday but as I am that bored and need to pass a bit of time, then I thought, why not, lets shock um all and blog for a change. And to those of you that may laugh and say that I don't blog at the best of times, well yea OK there is that, but you know I forget.

So back to today. I have refused to get dressed. Point blank refused. I'm calling it my pyjama protest. Not sure what I am protesting about, oh yea, waking up in the wrong house, in the wrong bed, in the wrong life. OK, so I'm grumpy as well. Why am I grumpy? I didn't sleep very well. Actually I am discovering that when I am on my own, I'm not really sleeping all that well at all. I suppose it's a side effect of all that happened, after all I did nearly have a nervous breakdown 3 weeks ago, and I don't suppose you get over that too quickly.

But I know that in 3 days time I will sleep again. In 3 days time I will be back in my bed in England, sleeping in my old room, in my old house, in my old village. Just 3 days to get through until I am on a plane again, back home, back to the life I want to be living. It's only a short break, and then I will be back here again, not sleeping, again. It's also 3 more days until I see Toyboy again. It can't come soon enough. In my stomping round the house at 2am phase this morning I packed our bags ready to go. Bags are now sat at the foot of my bed with just my make up and stuff to be slung in on Wednesday. I now live out of a trolley dolly bag.

Wednesday is also yet another court appearance. This time over money. Batman was over this morning dropping small child home. I had mentioned to him last week that if he agreed the maintenance I had asked for (and I wasn't being greedy either BTW) then I would sign the consent forms for the divorce and it could also go before the judge on Wednesday. My thinking was, lets get two of these battles out of the way and at least let us both move on in some respect (naturally I can't but at least I won't be married to him anymore). He seemed OK with it. Ha! Who was I kidding. Tune has now changed that he's gone back and bitched with Wicked Witch. He told me this morning that he hasn't spoken to his solicitor yet (bullshit). I reminded him that if it wasn't sorted on Wednesday then the courts close for summer and it won't get sorted until October, at least. He shrugged his shoulders and smirked. I shut the door. Oh I get it. Thinks now he has me held hostage here that he can also screw me out of money and make life even worse. This from a man that has spent tens of thousands in legal fee's to keep us here, now won't provide for us to be here. Hypocrite! And I dare say he will get all his own way as we appear to be going before Bitch Judge again. That should be fun. I promise not to tell her to feck off. At least I will have the bags in the car ready for my mad dash to the airport afterwards.

And why else am I grumpy. Next door brought their new baby home last week. Oh great, a lovely screaming bloody baby next door. And yep, it's the house that's attached to mine and our bedrooms are back to back. I had to listen to this baby being made (oh please, it was bloody awful having to listen to that every night) and now I have to listen to it screaming, frantic very loud mare next door getting all paranoid every 5 minutes and all I want to do is scream through the wall, give it a bottle, wind it, change it, put it to sleep, but just shut the fuck up!!!!

But you know what. It's not that the baby is screaming that's annoying me. It's a baby, that's what they do. Do you know what it is? I'm jealous. There, I've said it. I'M FUCKING JEALOUS!

Why on earth should I be jealous of the sleepless nights, the endless feeding and changing nappies? Because it's just another reminder of something else I can't have while I am here. Well, lets face it, I can't can I? Hardly going to put myself back into the situation I am trying so hard to get out of. Add to that I'm fastly approaching my mid 30's, last year I had a few "women's problems" and doctor was a bit yes and no as to if I could actually ever have any more or not, the only way of knowing is to try (which, hey, not exactly a lot of that going on is there, plus I need a good steady, solid, reliable man for that). And I would actually like another. Most of small child's childhood has been taken away from me because of the ongoing battles with Batman. I almost feel robbed of her precious childhood. I'd like another, in much nicer, normal circumstances. A family I believe it's called these days. Not a war zone.

God I'm becoming very bitter aren't I.

***************************************

So just in case you missed it, the details are somewhere below about what the campaign will be to get me outta here and back to my other nice life. I have already filled 2 weeks worth of spaces for the blogging baton passing thing, but as always, the more the merrier, and if you can think of any other bloggers that would like to join in, then give them a nudge in this direction.

Once I've done my little trip home next week I will do up the list and email you all to let you know what date I have put you down for to do your own little post. I have decided that I will set up the campaign from another site, and I am in the process of setting all that up, but if any creative types out there would like to lend a hand with making it look all pretty then please shout up, as well, look around you, I'm hardly good at the pretty thing.

But a huge big thank you to those of you that have already volunteered. You know I love you all xx

Coping Strategies

2009-07-16T15:03:00.003+01:00

Whoops! I've been forgetting to update again. Really must remember that my blog doesn't update itself via telepathy.

So now life is a bit upside down, even though I've come back down from my highs and lows of the last couple of weeks and got back into the swing of things here, everything else still remains up in the air a tad. For the time being I've to stay put, probably for another 6 or so months (read about 10 years given the court system here) but on the positive I've returned to work for a few days and then from next week I'll be part time. This, in a strange way has turned quite a few more things into a positive, but I think it's raised a few eyebrows in some quarters and rumblings that I may be being a bit selfish. I don't think I'm being selfish. I'd like to think it's my own coping strategy.

Yes, I'm going to be as skint as a skint person can be. No more designer handbags and spray tans for me for a while and small child is going to have to make do with the mountain of DS and Wii games she already has. Luxuries are out the window now. But on the plus side, thanks to the wonderful Ryanair (not often you will hear the words wonderful and Ryanair in the same sentence) I have managed to juggle work, child care, Batmans access days and the use of my Mum's credit card, so that from now on I can go home every 2 weeks for a few days. This for me is an absolute godsend and will keep me sane for the next few months. And like I said, I am going to be flat broke, but at least I won't be spending long weekends stuck in the house on my own anymore, with only time to dwell on all the other crap.

It also means that I will get to spend much appreciated time with Toyboy, and even if a relationship doesn't work out there I think we will remain good friends. But I've got everything crossed for a lovely, happy, normal (ish) relationship. He's even said that he'll get himself a dose of the swine flu and give it to me for free. I'm sure he'd like to give me a lot more (here's hoping) but the theory behind it was that if I was there and got the swine flu then I'd have to stay put for a while longer, in quarantine, with him. I'm sure there's a romantic gesture in there somewhere.

But I'm off to England again next week for a few days and attending a much awaited wedding and I'm hoping that Toyboy will come along as my plus one. Which is very exciting as I haven't attended an event with a plus one in a very long time. Usually I take small child or BFF. I hope they don't feel left out when I tell them that I have a new plus one. Which reminds me, I'm going to need to recycle the wardrobe now that I don't have the money for a fancy new outfit.

So, now I suppose I'd better tell you about the campaign and what's going to happen there and how you can all help.

OK, from the emails and messages I received it appears there are a number of women worldwide in the same boat as me. You know that boat, the fast sinking ship. Although there isn't much, if any, decent support out there. There are a couple of forum type things that I have found, but to be honest with you, I found them slightly militant and wasn't impressed by the support they offered. There was lots of, yea it's crap, it's shit, but hey welcome to our shitty world, get over it. Personally that's not my attitude and I'd rather not go down that road of self pity. Personally I'd rather grab the bull by the horns and take some action. Raise the awareness of the problem and hopefully reach out to others like me that probably feel very alone in the world. The power of positive thinking and all that. I have been lucky in that all of you came running to my rescue, to pick me up, get me going again and offer help and support. I can't imagine not having that support, so I can barely imagine what it must be like for those that don't have it.

So, this is the idea I have brewing, and all input, add ons and help is, as always, greatly appreciated. As bloggers we reach a wide and varied audience. I am sure that there are readers out there that don't agree with the battle that I am taking on, and that is fair enough. I appreciate that there are two sides to this argument, however as a mother I feel it is very unfair that I have been denied justice, equality and more importantly my civil liberties and human rights have been breached. But as bloggers we have the power to get the awareness raised and the matter brought to the public at larges attention. I think that my own situation is slightly different in that I only want to move 135 miles (door to door) whereby others wish to move say from America or Australia (much bigger distances), but the fundamentals remain the same. A mothers right to make choices in her life that she feels are in her own best interests and will over time be in the best interests of her child. What good is a mother to a child if she is depressed, feels oppressed and will eventually become bitter towards the place she is being forced to call home and the people that are forcing her to stay in a place that is not her home and she does not want it to be?

Right back to my idea. It goes like this. The campaign will start with an awareness day. At present I am thinking Friday September 4th (loads of reasons why bla bla bla). It will start with a blog post by myself about the situation, my feelings on it and what I hope to achieve. There will be links to an online petition to both the British and the Irish governments to basically sit up and take notice (are you telling me I wouldn't have suffered the injustice I did if my case had been heard in an open court? Exactly. Secret courts are not a good idea). On this day a mass re-tweet will be organised so we can spread the word around Twitter as much as possible. From there another blogger will take the baton and on the following day do a post, again with a brief statement from myself about the situation, and then the bloggers own feelings of how they would feel in the same situation, or something similar (being told to give up your child, not because you are a bad mother, but simply because you want to go home, or move, or just do something that is right for you and your child). And then the baton gets passed on again, and so on, hopefully taking it around the world so that we, collectively can find these women that are in the same situation as me, and let them know they are not alone. I haven't decided yet if I will launch it from this blog or set something up new that can be the focus of the campaign. I'm thinking something separate may be better so that I can focus the campaign there and then still bring you all my other goings on here.

I would hope that we could get 50 blogs in 50 days. I know it's a tall order, so hey, if we only start with 20 and then more people jump on board as we go then that's great too. I am hoping that by carrying it on over a certain length of time it will give us time to collect as many signatures as possible on the online petition and get it into both governments before I am back up in court. As part of the post I will also be asking readers to write to their local MP's/TD's/MEP's and will provide all bloggers with a template for this to send out to your readers who ask for it. There will also be a facebook group and various bits of other stuff.

At present I'm not going to go down the official media route as, well, I think it would be better to catch Batman with the element of surprise and we don't want to play straight into his hands either. I am also hoping to be able to rally as many of the troops as possible so when the big day in court does arrive we can arrange for a rather large group to be there. We'll call it a Batman welcoming party. Officially it will be a protest seeking justice.

So what do I need from you? Well, any bloggers that want to volunteer to post their own blog, shout up and I'll give you a date for yours. If you want to be part of the re-tweet then make sure I have your email address so that I can send you the link to what will need re-tweeting. And if you want to add a link to the online petitions on your own site/blog, again just make sure I have your email. I'll also do up the letters for MP's etc ready for you, when I get 5 minutes to sit down and do them.

I know I'm asking for a bit of time and effort from you, but I think you will agree, it's for a worthwhile cause and hopefully will stop not only the injustice that I have suffered but will reach out to other women as a lifeline they are looking for. And I think you all know at this stage just how much I really appreciate your help.

And just think of the blog posts you'll get to read if you manage to get me home! I may have to rename this blog, Tales from a Village Pub!

So give me a shout, speak up, re-tweet and lets see how far we can take this campaign.

P.S. And if I do get home in this lifetime then you're all invited to the HUGE party I will be having xx

Life Is A Roller Coaster

2009-07-08T23:36:00.005+01:00

It really has been a bit of a roller coaster the past week hasn't it. I think I've gone through every single emotion possible. Some extreme lows, some a bit in the middle, at the weekend I had a few highs, then a slight drop, and now I'm sort of OK. I think last Monday was probably the lowest moment I have ever had in my life. But after some very positive messages and some good advice I picked myself back up again. And the good old medicine of Smirnoff helped a lot over the weekend. So I suppose you're all wondering what I got up to on my weekend away, after all, they are always eventful aren't they. And by god this one was!

Are we sitting comfortably. Then I'll begin.

I sort of gave you some misleading information there via Twitter. Well no it wasn't misleading, it was just how things stood at the time. Oh dear, we should all know by now that nothing ever runs smoothly in my life!

Friday night. As soon as I arrived I quite literally ran to the pub. I was seriously in need of a good drink by then. I hadn't even arranged to meet anyone as BFF was also on her way back from holiday that night but I needn't have worried as the local pub at home is more of a communal meeting point and you are guaranteed to find someone in there. As always the usual suspects of friends where there. Nothing really eventful about the night. Mass conversation was had with the entire pub about the case and what had happened. I was given numerous drinks to cheer me up. And yep, it worked. I felt so much better being back on home turf and being with people that wanted to do everything they could to help and the first thing they wanted to do was cheer me up.

Saturday night. Oh now it gets eventful. BFF was back off holiday, thank god, so I had her to fall back on all day. We headed out early on a mission. Pub was full of the usual suspects, including my fan club. No, this isn't me getting a big head here BTW. There are one or two of the usual suspects that have made it quite clear that they have a bit of a thing for me. One in particular is becoming a bit cringe worthy. We'll call him The Unsuitable One. Now it's not that he's unsuitable, it's just that, well, no. Not only not my type at all in any way shape or form, but the cringe worthy behaviour is becoming, well, cringe worthy. He's like a lost puppy following me round. Now, ever such a nice bloke, in a very non sexual way, but well I'm think you're kind of guessing now that I simply would never, ever, ever, entertain him at all. The other one is a friend that has been one of my drinking buddies for a bit now. Probably in the category of the older brothers I've told you about before (as in not my actual brother but looks out for me and all that sort of stuff) but he's not older, he's younger. I'll name him for you later, for reasons that will become obvious. BFF has been saying for a while that he had a thing for me. I wasn't convinced as he'd never made a move or said anything that made me think that way, unlike The Unsuitable One.

Right, so there I am sat with BFF, a few other friends and the fan club also come over to join us. Then guess who showed up. Yep, Paddy! He didn't come over at first but did say hello. I could see him looking over, a lot. Eventually he came over to join us. Plonked himself down next to me. I was surrounded! Fan club right and centre and Paddy to the left. BFF was nearly on the floor laughing. Paddy was very chatty and we was getting on great. So last orders comes and goes and the one I haven't named yet asks if we want to go round to his for a few more drinks. Yep. So he goes to get some more drink and plonks a bag of drink in front of me and nips off to the toilet. Suddenly Paddy and The Unsuitable One also say they are coming and also buy more drink. This is where it gets confusing. The one I haven't named vanishes. Can't find him anywhere and not answering phone. So The Unsuitable One says we can go round to his. Feck it I thought, I'll be safe enough with Paddy there as well.

Cut out the boring conversation stuff, it became obvious that Paddy was flirting - BIG TIME!! Way hey I'm in there I thought. And bloody nora I was!!!!!!! I won't go into the details, you can make them up yourselves, but as soon as The Unsuitable One left the room we quite literally pounced on each other. In my defense I will say that it has been a while (remember the no sex thing during the four man plan) and I think I needed a bit of relief.

We walked home in the morning after having to escape from The Unsuitable Ones house. Was actually quite funny. We'd sort of invaded his spare room (not very polite I know) and somehow ended up locked in the house. After nearly ransacking the place we found a key, got out the back door and had to hop over the garden fence. Not pretty in high heels. During the walk home we had a bit of a heart to heart. Turns out he's a man with a few secrets. No, bog off, I'm not sharing them with you. Lets just say I got a better insight into Paddy and told him that he should have told me before as my god, if anyone knows about it, I sure do!

During the night out we'd all been talking about going out again on Sunday as I was leaving again on the Monday and some of the friends had taken the day off work so we could have a good night together. Paddy had been saying all night he was going to come with us. On the walk home he said he'd ring me later to find out what time we was heading out at.

Guess what, the call never came. But you know what, I sort of had a feeling it might not. Paddy is a man with issues.

Sunday night. Well hold on to your hats people, because now it gets really interesting. I went out early as I was fed up of sitting in the house waiting for a call to come that I knew wasn't going to come. I took small child with me as she's always saying she wants to go out with Mammy and her friends, so I figured I'd take her early for an hour, she'd feel all grown up and be delighted with herself. I have to say, small child really is a mini me. She walks in, knows everyone, has everyone running round after her making sure she has enough juice and crisps. Very cute really. Few of the usual suspects where there already, including the one I haven't named yet. He was very cagey about where he had vanished to the night before and just kept saying he'd gone home. I thought it was odd that he'd buy all that drink and then vanish, especially knowing that I had his drink (it was hardly in safe hands was it!). But no, he just kept saying he'd gone home, but then spent more time playing with small child on her DS.

Another friend arrived who'd I told about Paddy the night before, and I was doing well dodging the questions I'd been asked about what had happened. It was grown up conversation time so small child was hurried home. The female friend there text Paddy to ask him if he was coming out. He gave her a few bullshit excuses and she ended up having a bit of a go at him saying that I was the wrong person to treat like that and that if he wasn't interested in me then he shouldn't have made a move and being messed around was the last thing I needed right now (go girl!!). He said that he felt bad but it was all a situation he couldn't get into, bla bla bla. Like I said, Paddy is a man with issues. And lets face it, that is so not what I need at all. I wasn't even disappointed or anything like that. Even in my heavily Smirnoffed mind I could think clearly enough to think, nope, don't even consider dwelling on it, absolutely not what I need right now. Plus, everyone knew what was going on with me and how bad it was. Anyone with half a brain or ounce of sensitivity would know to treat me with kid gloves at the moment. Paddy not only has issues, I think he's a bit of an idiot as well. Therefore he will never regain the title of The Nice One.

But before you start thinking that the night was over there. Think again. At last orders it was only just beginning. Another friend arrived in from working to collect the lads to go for food. It's the usual Sunday ritual, so off we went. Heading back from food and the one I haven't named asks if we are going into his for a bit. I'm out the car and heading up the drive way before I realise that it's only me and the unnamed one. So we goes in, finishes off the food and have a glass of wine. Half way through the glass of wine the unnamed one tells me something.

OK, no Eastenders dum dums, I'm not going to leave you hanging there.

He tells me why he'd vanished the night before. He was fuming. Why? Because he said he'd been absolutely gutted when he found out what had happened to me last week, because................... he really, as in really, likes me! He wanted me home for good not just for the weekend. The night before he'd made his mind up that he was going to tell me how he felt and had told the others that he needed to speak to me on my own. He was so annoyed that the other two had invited themselves along that he just left without saying anything. He was also annoyed that one of those people was Paddy given that he also knew about the previous there and thought that he'd been a bit of a dickhead with me in the past.

Let me just tell you something about him now. He's a blokes bloke. There is no bullshit about him at all and what you see is what you get. He is one person I have always said does not have an ounce of badness in him and a heart of gold. Now he can be a bit of a village idiot at times, in a good way that is, always guaranteed a good laugh with him about, that sort of thing. Not an idiot as in a dickhead. I've always thought he was a lovely bloke, not my usual type of bloke, as in I like my lookers, but then again he isn't bad looking either. I'd just never looked at him in that way. Well, I thought I'd never looked at him in that way. Until he started telling me how he felt about me.

Being a blokes bloke like he is I would never of expected him to come out with the really, really sweet things he did. He said that he didn't like women that are all pretentious and that he'd liked me for ages because I was just normal, down to earth, called a spade a spade, no bullshit and whenever I was about he felt that we got on great and always had a really good laugh together.

He was right. As he was saying it I was thinking, yes he was right. We do get on brilliant. When we spend time together I always feel better and really enjoy his company. I actually look forward to seeing him when I go home. And even though I'd just never looked at him in that way before because he didn't tick my usual boxes, perhaps that is where I have been going wrong all this time. My boxes where all wrong. Here was a bloke telling me in no uncertain terms exactly how he felt about me. I knew full well that he was a bloke that would never mess me around, tell me a load of bullshit, lie to me, cheat on me or hurt me in anyway. He is also great with small child and knows all the crap that goes on around me and what the current situation is. And he isn't afraid to get involved.

We kissed.

I felt bad about the night before so told him what had happened. He said he was gutted but it had happened now and was done with and from what I'd told him he said he was happy enough that Paddy wouldn't happen again and he said he'd also enjoy breaking a few hearts now, meaning The Unsuitable One.

We talked for ages, smooched a bit, no sex (thought that might have been slightly inappropriate given the night before as well). It was so comfortable. Nothing awkward or not right about it. I suddenly felt happy, which is something a week ago wouldn't have thought possible.

Eventually I had to leave. He made me promise that I wasn't going to come back over here and run off with an Irish man (hardly likely is it given the circumstances!) and that I had to keep in contact and come back as soon as I could. He told me that he wanted to be with me, he wanted me to go over there as much as I could and he'll come over here as well. Yes, it's not ideal, but it won't be forever. He said that he knew that if anyone could find a way to sort out all this crap then I was the woman to do it and he'd be there every step of the way for me.

Is a relationship what I need right now? In normal circumstances I'd probably say no. But this is a man that I know absolutely 100% will not mess me around, will lift me when I am down and will always be nothing but completely straight with me. And this has been backed up by BFF and a few other friends that I have told who also know him. Maybe the sort of man that is right for me was right under my nose all the time and I was just too superficial to see it.

For my end of the deal I've booked flights to go back again in 2 weeks. My hours in work are going to completely change when I do go back to work (more of that in a sec) so I'll have the time to be going over there more, especially during the school holidays. And when I can get flights for €20 I might as well be there than here. Batman won't like it, but he can go feck off. He won't like it at all as I've also booked to go every 2 weeks until small child goes back to school.

For his end of the deal. He text me as soon as he woke up on Monday and hasn't stopped since. He's delighted that I'm coming back so soon and so much over the next couple of months, so we'll see what happens and take it from there.

But for now, we'll call him Toyboy.

*******************

In other news, and I'll keep this brief as I don't want to put a dampener on the nice post given the levels of depression you all had to endure last week.

I'm going back to work next week but only part time. I'll get to spend more time with small child from now on and get to have loads more trips home. Money will be really, really tight, but I think there are bigger issues at stake here. I'll find the money from somewhere. So if anyone has any ideas of how I can earn a few extra quid then let me know.

High Court appeal has been lodged, although it could be about 6 months before we get a hearing. Well unless Batman gives in first (and pigs might fly!).

There will be a campaign, firstly via the Internet. An online petition to the UK government to take notice, and although they can't intervene, we'll be petitioning them to take notice and express interest to the Irish government. At least if they do that I'll get a fair hearing next time around because they'll know they are being watched. There will also be petitions to the Irish government as well regarding the unfair treatment I received and asking for a review into the matter. I will also be asking UK & Irish readers to write to their local MP's/TD's and MEP's to raise awareness. I will write up a standard letter for that and email it to anyone that wants it. Facebook groups etc will also be set up to raise awareness.

I'll be back to you though in a few days about how that will all be coordinated. But if anyone wants to volunteer to do bits and pieces than all help will be greatly appreciated.

So for now, again, thank you all for your messages and ongoing support. And I am feeling so much better now and far more positive. Onwards and upwards and this Mammy will not be bullied and held down. It's just made me stronger to keep on fighting for justice.

Down But Not Out

2009-07-03T01:12:00.008+01:00

I am truly humbled. It would appear the power of Twitter and blogging is quite far reaching. All I can say is truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the messages of support. I find it truly amazing that complete strangers (well OK not strangers as we chat most days but you know what I mean) would feel the need to contact me to offer their help and support. That anyone outside of my own friends and family would care to even show an ounce of compassion. And as for the number of people that came here looking to offer help after the mass re-tweet - flippin' 'eck!!! My poor blog nearly buckled under the strain. Again, thank you everyone.

So the state of play at the moment is this. We are "allowed" (God that sounds such a terrible word doesn't it) to go to England for the weekend. I think it is a much needed short break. I will be able to spend a few days with my family and friends (and hopefully see the nice "Paddy") and time to gather my thoughts, make a plan of action and make some very important decisions. Unfortunately I don't really have the time to take my time and think things through as most of those decisions need to be made pretty damn quick. So I guess I am just going to have to do what is best and what is right and probably go with my instincts on most things. And being away for a few days will also mean that small child will have a cheerier Mammy for a while. I know I should be stronger for her sake and not let it show, but being here on my own, what feels like a million miles from home right now, unfortunately small child has seen a few tears this week. I know, I promise to try harder in future to keep it under wraps.

I am off work sick at the moment, which is good in a way as I don't think a day job with responsibility is the best place for me right now. Although how long I can remain sick for I am not too sure about. That is also one of the decisions I need to make. For anyone that has read the full version of events, I think you will agree with me that small child needs to be in my company as much as possible, so one train of thought at the moment is that I shouldn't be working as much. I can either stay sick for a while and then maybe return part time when the school holidays are over. That makes the most logical sense, however finances may say otherwise. Money was already in short supply, however it does now look as though Batman will be forced to cough up. The benefits system is OK, but not anywhere near as good as my salary. But maybe now is not the time to be thinking like that. So long as I can get enough money to keep the roof over our heads and a meal on the table then everything else can wait.

And then that brings me to the next point. I saw a solicitor today who was very positive and the High Court appeal has been lodged. He said that my case was very well prepared and it was simply an unfair hearing. Which is good, right? An appeal is going to need paying for. We spoke at length about ways to keep the costs as low as possible with me still doing a lot of the work rather than a solicitor doing it. But we are still talking mega bucks. Legal aid will be an option if I am not working. But, if this was you, would you want the best man for the job or an over worked, under paid, do as little as possible, legal aid solicitor? I know, I don't think I even need to ask. Anyway, solicitor is going to come back to me with figures in the next few days. But an appeal hearing is likely to be 6 months away, at least.

A lot of you want to get going on a campaign, which is great, and solicitor also agreed. Not sure yet if it will be a media focused one, but will definitely go down the route of spreading the word through the likes of blogs, twitter, facebook etc, contacting MP's, lots of letter writing and hounding people to take notice, see if we can get a few celeb types to jump on the bandwagon as well.

But I will figure out all of that stuff over the next few days and get back to you. But if anyone has any ideas then please just let me know. I may have to assign jobs to people to cover certain areas.

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So, with all that going on then I think it's time to start focusing on the positive. So, some reasons to be cheerful;

The lovely Jason Orange is still alive and well, living in Manchester and according to the tabloids, still single. Yep, there's hope for me yet. Oh actually now I come to think of it, imagine the power that would give the campaign. Ummmmmm. (Sorry for yet another Jason picture but I just felt my long depressing blog post needed brightening up).

If I'm not working then it means I will have loads more time to write. Jeez, you never know I might actually finish that god damn book. Now I come to think of it, what am I on about, look at what is going on in my life! I think there is a book in that! Actually, that could also be very good for the campaign, and if I did actually manage to get some poor soul to publish my work, then that could help with the cash problems. Ummmmmm.

Also if I'm not working, I've sort of picked a good time to do it. It's summer, small child is off school, the weather is amazing right now, and as neither of us will be tied to too much, well except bloody Batmans access days, then we can have frequent trips over to England (Batman "allowing" that is). Which reminds me, who is going on the Butlins trip?

And last but not least, nobody died, well apart from Wacko Jacko that is.

Oh and one more. Sometimes I feel that a good fight brings out the best in me. If something is worth it, like my freedom, then it's worth fighting for. Batman may well inspire me to greater things.

Until next week xxx

P.S. Will also be updating the other page. Those in the know will know what I mean.

Hostage

2009-07-01T04:07:00.003+01:00

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. I have had the most awful 24 hours but you have kept me going.

I have set up a private post with the full story for anyone that wants to know and get a better idea of what help is actually needed.

I am in every respect being held hostage and my child used as ransom.

Either comment below with a registered account so I can get your email address from it or DM me on Twitter with your email and I will give you access to the post. Just so long as I can identify who you are so I know it's not Batman coming to find me!

Please keep re-tweeting and spreading the word. If you read the private post you will understand why. This could happen to anyone and we are supposed to be in the EU. Oh and it's mega urgent as have to lodge appeal in High Court by the end of next week!

The fight needs to go on - somehow!

Heart Broke

2009-06-30T00:18:00.003+01:00

I don't think I can even try to start to tell you right now how absolutely heart broken I am.

Now before you all worry too much, small child is still with me and Batman and Wicked Witch have not got their claws into her. Although they have in so many other ways.

Small child is quite literally all I have left right now. It amazes me the damage some people can do by their bitterness and determination to make another persons life a living hell. And that is what Batman has done now for years. I wanted it all to stop and instead of being able to get on with my life I now face an even more uncertain future, years more of legal battles and I have had every single hope, aspiration and dream taken away from me. My rights have been violated in so many ways, and that's not me being over emotional, it's actually fact. I have been left with not enough money now to make ends meet and told that if I want to go to the one place that I know we can be safe and secure, then I have to go alone and give up custody of my baby.

What choice is that hey? Live on the streets and have years more of Batman and his bullying or move away from it all, to protect my own sanity and the future welfare of us both, but face the prospect of losing my child in the process? There is no choice is there. I am a mother for gods sake.

Naturally as you can imagine I am not going to give up without a fight and this is one Mammy that will not be bullied any longer. They say the best way to fight a bully is to stand up to them and give them a taste of their own medicine. Well, hey, right back at ya Batman. Those wings are going to get clipped.

P.S. I know I'm being sort of cryptic but legal stuff and all that and until I get some advice on the matter I'm not sure how much I can say in the public arena. However for those of you that understand what I am on about or think you know a way to help me, or have a contact who knows their way around the Human Rights Act, or if you simply want to spread the word to get me as much help as possible, then please, please share this link, re-tweet, post your own blog etc.

D-Day

2009-06-26T14:20:00.017+01:00

I think most of you have gathered at this stage this coming Monday is going to be a bit of a big day for me. I'm refering to it as D-Day. I'd say most of you can guess what the D stands for, but wrapped up within that are a whole host of issues involving Batman and Wicked Witch. Some of which I have aired here before, many, many, others I haven't.

Naturally for legal reasons and also because I don't think this moment in time is the time for doing that. I'd like to save it up for when I can tell you more and the whole story. When the story finishes with The End.

So for now, I will again apologise for my lack of blogging of late, however given that when I go into court I am doing it minus a solicitor and barrister and I have put the entire case together myself, and trust me on this one, it's a BIG case as well, so I've sort of been a bit busy.

Thank you so very, very much, and I truly mean that, to all those that have left me comments and emailed me to offer support. You have no idea just how much it means to me. I will be busy all weekend getting ready for D-Day and hopefully I will be back to you as soon as possible, and back to my usual self. I've still loads to tell you about and I have a few ideas of how to keep myself occupied over the coming months, as given that Monday is actually going to change just about everything in my life and govern the direction life takes after that, I figure that whatever happens I'm either going to need some massive distractions or something to inspire me. Ummmmmm, now that really won't make any sense at all, but once I get to tell you the full story then it will.

Saturday Secrets

2009-06-20T22:01:00.009+01:00

In nine days time my life is going to change forever, and at this moment in time I don't know if it's going to change for the better or the worse. It's all in the hands of another person. What this person decides is going to change everything in my life. All I know at the moment is that whatever happens I do not know what July holds for me.

This is a strange position to be in. As adults we tend to know the routine things in our lives and what that routine will be for the foreseeable future. At this moment in time I don't know what the very basics of my life will be next month. I don't know what the routine will be.

Because of this strange position that I find myself in, although I've know it was coming for some time, but I only found out a few days ago that I was to find out so soon, it's made me look at so many things in my life. I've told you often enough how much I want to change things but suddenly I look forward into the rest of my life and simply do not know what will happen anymore. There is no plan, there is no clear direction, all I can do is wait nine long days for someone else to decide what my future holds. Now although the very basis of my life is to be decided by someone else I figure that it is only me that can change anything or achieve the things in life that I want to.

So anyway, I've read a couple of blogs lately that inspired me to look a bit harder at exactly what it was that I wanted to do. Those blogs being 40 Things To Do Before I'm 40 and 40x40. BFF and I a couple of years ago made a pact that for our 40th's we would go to Las Vegas. We'd do it in style, stay in a 5 star hotel, fly business class, see all the shows, eat at the finest restaurants, gamble at a high rollers table. The one rule of the pact was that we both had to sort our lives out before then and the one who hadn't sorted their life out had to pay for the trip. So while I sit here looking into the abyss that currently is my future I've decided to compile my 40 things. *Note these may change from time to time once I've thought about it some more.

40 Things To Do Before I'm 40

Relationships

1. Love again, as in truly love

2. Find Mr Right

3. Get divorced

4. Marry again (maybe and obviously depending on how 1,2,3 go)

5. Have my dream wedding that I never got first time around (again depends on 4)

6. Have more children (naturally dependent on 1-5)

7. Have the freedom to breath within a relationship

8. Have a conversation with Batman without first having to draw battle lines

9. See my Mum at least once a week

10. Shop for groceries for my Grandmother

Work

11. Finish the current book

12. Have books 1&2 published and see them on a shelf in a book store

13. Write book 3 (I have an idea already)

14. Have Yummy Mammy made into a tv series

15. Book 2 made into a film

16. Find a writing partner for an idea I have for another project

17. Win a BAFTA

18. Go to Cannes

19. Wake up in a morning a want to go to work and not hit snooze 10 times on the alarm

20. Set up a business that I've had an idea for for ages

Social & Travel

21. Stay at that big fancy 7 star hotel in Dubai

22. Shop and actually spend money on Rodeo Drive

23. Regularly attend Broadway and West End shows

24. Take small child to Disney World

25. Go celeb spotting in a fancy LA nightclub

26. Lie on a beach in paradise

27. Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge

28. Visit India and see a Bollywood set

29. Attend the Monte Carlo Grand Prix

30. Live it up in Vegas for my 40th

Personal

31. Meet a certain member of Take That (and if he wants to snog me then so be it)

32. Live in a house that is my dream home and not just live there because it's all I can afford and ticks all the space requirement boxes

33. Own at least one pair of Christian Louboutin shoes

34. Own a 2nd home somewhere nice, and preferably foreign

35. Complete a Masters Degree (although not sure what in)

36. Learn to ballroom dance, like on Strictly Come Dancing

37. Do something amazing for charity

38. Have a cleaner

39. Be the best mother I possibly can

40. Raise small child to not make the mistake I did

I know some of them are a bit superficial, and some are a bit out there are probably harder to achieve than climbing Mount Everest but hey, I figure if I set my sights high enough then somewhere along the way I might just strike lucky and be happy with what I've got. In the meantime I'll just keep chewing my nails and wondering what I'll be doing next month.

Anybody Call A Plumber?

2009-06-17T23:14:00.004+01:00

I've been promising you this story for weeks so now as it's progressed a bit as well I thought it was about time I told you.

You know how the road I live on is a bit Wisteria Lane, well we have a plumber as well. A rather sexy plumber. Well actually I don't think he's that sexy but he's OK I suppose. Oh and he's single. Yep, you might as well stick a blooming great big target on his head.

So a while back, probably about a year ago, Sexy Plumber came to our attention. I was in the local pub and in he came. I'd seen him up and down the road a few times but never actually spoke to him. The story goes that he was married some time ago but has since divorced and ex wife is now married to some big time millionaire. Sexy Plumber has a very nice house and I suppose for a workman type he's very well kept. So anyway, I'm in the pub with a couple of friends, that don't live on my road, and Sexy Plumber walks past and says hello. One of my friends nearly wet herself on the spot, jaw hit the floor, she drooled, eyes went starry. She fancied him rotten. The problem was that he wasn't taking the hint and he didn't come over to chat, and given that I didn't really know him we didn't have an excuse to go over and talk to him.

Fast forward in time and suddenly my friend started having "plumbing" problems and the only plumber she could think of to call out was Sexy Plumber. She had everything in her damn house fixed. Dripping taps, leaking washing machine, dishwasher not heating up right, new shower fitted, the list goes on and on. Sexy Plumber became a regular caller at her house. But still nothing.

Friend then took things to another level. Suddenly she was volunteering to wait in other peoples houses for Sexy Plumber to call. My poor friend was starting to get desperate. Now don't get me wrong here, she wasn't stalking him or barking up the wrong tree. She called me one day while he was fixing something at her house and I called round on my way home. And yep, sure enough there was something there between them. They seem to get along great and when I walked in they where stood in the kitchen having a cup of tea chatting away like an old married couple. But despite the million and one hints she'd dropped, mentions of wedding invites with no plus one to go with her, wanting to go to see certain films but nobody to take her, even once asking him to change a light bulb for her as she didn't like doing it and she had no man about the house to do it for her, nope, even after all that, there was still no hint of being asked on a date. And she was too shy to ask him.

I have a noisy toilet. It's in the other bathroom that we never use and it's only when we have guests that it get used. I had a plumber out ages ago to find out what the noise is. It's an airlock stuck in the pipe and the plumber at the time said that because of the location of the toilet it would mean pulling up the floor to get to the pipe to fix it. On the other hand, airlocks can free themselves. As we never really use it, and it only happens every now and then when it's getting flushed a lot I decided to leave it and let it free itself. My now absolutely desperate friend even used my poor noisy toilet as an excuse to get Sexy Plumber round. She waited in my house for him to come round, to then diagnose the very same problem, for me to tell him, nope not paying for all that and my lovely floor to be pulled up. Bless.

While all this was going on we'd seen him out and about a few times and I did spot the flirting levels increasing between them. But nah, still nothing.

Desperate times called for desperate measures. A flood was called for. I will add at this point, this was not my idea and I had nothing to do with it, and only found out when it was too late. Now this may seem like a mad thing to do - she took a hammer to a tap! Told you times where getting desperate! I got a text - "SHIT! I've flooded half the fucking house. Think I might have gone too far!"

Now if your friend sent you a text like that what would you do, A) Drop everything and dash over there to help, B) Call the plumber for her and then go round C) Ring her back, make sure she had the plumbers number and offer to go round if she needed any help?

Yep, I went with D, laugh my arse off and do nothing.

Some 3 hours later I thought I'd pop round just on the off chance that this was an actual, real, emergency / disaster. The front door was open and I walked in to see a very wet floor, various mops, buckets and towels laid out and a very wet friend stood there, cup of tea in hand, and Sexy Plumber with his arm around her and planting a tender kiss on her forehead!!!

As you know I'm not sentimental but I did give a little awwwwww at this point, and then demanded to know what was going on.

Sure enough desperate friend had taken a hammer to the kitchen tap, water went everywhere, she didn't know where her stop tap was, she called Sexy Plumber quite frantic with the sudden realisation that she was in fact flooding her house. He arrived pretty damn quick. She was absolutely soaked, but had sort of pre-planned the perfect outfit to get soaked in, yep totally see through, so Sexy Plumber got an eyeful when she opened the door to him. He did the whole hero thing and saved the day, stopped the water gushing everywhere and even hung around to help her clean up. He then assessed the very badly damaged wall. It wasn't good and he broke the news gently to her. At this point poor desperate friend was hit with a huge wall of realisation of what she'd done. In her attempt to chase a man, now a very nice man at that, she'd gone to all sorts of lengths and nearly wrecked half of her house in the process. She burst into tears on Sexy Plumber and in her tearful outburst told him that she fancied him rotten and in her stupid attempt to get his attention had been keeping him in work for the past six months.

He was delighted. He admitted that he fancied her and hadn't even been charging her the full rate as he loved calling round to her but thought that she was way out of his league and didn't have the guts to ask her out as he thought she'd shoot him down. Bless, how cute is that.

So six months down the line, her wall is fixed, he did it for her in his spare time, and I can honestly say they are the most well suited perfect couple I know. They have the most wonderful way when they are together, not as in pass me a bucket cause all this romance makes me sick sort of stuff, but just the type of couple that you know are so right for each other it's a shame they didn't get together years ago.

Last week I was summoned to her house. Friend sounded a bit anxious on the phone and naturally me being the unlucky in love one instantly thought the worst, that they'd split up. Ha! I'm so cynical at times. I was wrong. They'd got engaged. He'd proposed the night before, nothing in a grand gesture, big romantic scene, but he'd taken her for a lovely meal, they'd gone home, sat on the sofa curled up enjoying a glass of wine and he pulls out a ring box from his pocket and dead casual tells her that now he does the plumbing jobs for free can she return the favour and marry him!!!

Yep, nearly brought a tear to my eye as well.

Now usually I wouldn't advocate whirlwind romances or doing bizarre things to chase a man but I remember a year ago my friend telling me that he was her Mr Right. Her instinct was right and he is so right for her and I'm delighted for them both, if not just a teeny weeny bit jealous.

So if her instinct was right about her Mr Right, then what does that say about mine? Should I pursue Jason Orange with such vigor? No, I didn't think so either, I feel the words restraining order may get used.

So I've given you a nice romantic post for once, even though it's not about me. I'll be back to my usual disaster men tales shortly I'm sure. But at least we can all rest assure that romance is still alive and well and every deserving woman will eventually find her Mr Right.

Take That Up Close and Very Personal

2009-06-14T16:14:00.010+01:00

Well I banged on about it enough so I thought I might as well share the photos of Take That with you as well. This post is dedicated to the lovely Brit Gal Sarah who is a fellow Take That fan but now she lives in the US she doesn't get to share the love of them in the same way anymore. Plus she hasn't been feeling to great lately so I'm hoping these photos cheer her up a bit.

In short, the concert was absolutely brilliant, definitely the best I have ever seen Take That (and I've seen them enough times now to be able to say that) and probably one of the best concerts I have ever seen by anyone. It wasn't just a concert, it was a show, and a highly entertaining, well put together show. The only downside was the the venue was HUGE, holding 80,000 people (mainly drunk 30 something women, screaming like they are teenagers again) and because I had small child with me I'd opted to go in the sensible seats (bloody expensive and far away) it meant that I couldn't get as close to the action as I would have liked, and OK lets be honest, get within sniffing distance of Jason Orange. But he was in the same building as me so that was enough to make me rather giddy.

So yes, I do still truly love Jason Orange. I feel it's destiny and some day our paths will cross and he'll realise that I'm the woman he's been saving himself for all this time. In the meantime I have my photos to drool over. Enjoy xx

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P.S. I forget to say when I posted this, but the support band for Take That was The Script. And remember how I told you a while back about the really yummy drummer they have? Well anyway this is a little pic I managed to get of him.

Far too many hot men all under one roof. It was like a Yummy Mammy porn night all over again. But drummer bloke does come second to Jason Orange, maybe 3rd behind Declan Donnelly. I shall have to think more carefully about that one.

Totally Thrilling Thursday

2009-06-11T00:30:00.000+01:00

It would have been a wordless Wednesday because I feel words can not describe how much I love these boys and how excited I am about taking small child to see them on Saturday. It's her first time and we are also taking my mother as well. I feel that all 3 generations will scream very loudly in unison. And Jason Orange will be in the same building as me. Will he be safe? Will he escape without me kidnapping him and forcing him into an arranged marriage?

I used words so therefore it can't be a wordless Wednesday and instead it's a Totally Thrilling Thursday.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, my beloved Take That