Saturday, 2 June 2012
I'M ABSOLUTELY PISSED OFF TO DEATH WITH PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
Like seriously, when did every man and his dog think it's ok to dabble in other people's lives and not think of the bigger picture or the consequences.
So straight down to business. The Foreign One, guess what, still not gone away and still not ditched the girlfriend. It's actually beyond unbelievable now. In fact it's ridiculous. In fact if I was an outsider looking in I'd be like WTF! But I'm on the inside and thinking WTF! Right, so I know I should have told him on ur bike matey a very long time ago, but it's all just so weird. And it's not like much of the naughty stuff happens at all. It's just this constant contact stuff, texts, emails, meeting for a drink. I think at this stage I well and truly just don't get it.
And the really weird bit is that every time I challenge him on it, it's like he knows it's all very wrong but seems to think his relationship with his girlfriend is ok and there aren't any problems there. Ummmmmm, having a bizarre affair for 2 (yes that's right, 2!!) years isn't a sign to me that everything is ok at home. He also seems to think that if we aren't actually doing the sex part then it's not classed as an affair. Excuse me if I sound slightly naive but given the levels of constant contact surely an emotional affair is worse than a physical one? We all know that men can be physically involved and it mean absolutely nothing. Emotionally, now that's different and dangerous.
So what about the girlfriend? I have no idea. She's been told twice now and still it makes no difference to her or to him. Like I said, none of it makes any sense at all.
And from next week it'll just get worse as where I'll be working from I'll see him every day. It might only be for a few weeks but at the moment I don't know yet. So I'm sure that'll bring a few challenges with it.
One of my friends said the other day that I should just let the cat out the bag and not give a stuff about what happens. After all I've nothing to hide, it's not my secret to keep, and I'm being put in a position of almost putting my life on hold and keeping my head down to protect his secret. And what would I lose by doing it? Not a lot. My self respect went a long time ago and I won't lose friends or family over it. He on the other hand will lose a lot. And when I say a lot, I really do mean a lot! Friends, family, respect and a whole lot more. His friends and family are all very inbred, the girlfriend is his sisters best friend, families are all inter mingled etc. I get that by ending things with her nicely would be messy but compared to all his secrets coming out the nice route is by far the easier. And even if I cut all contact and never saw or spoke to him again, it's still a secret he's then got to keep for he rest of his life. And as most of us normal people know, a secret very rarely stays buried forever. And it's not like it's a one night stand he's got to keep hidden or buried. It's a whole two years of lies and living a lie. When the day comes for all that to come out it won't be pretty. I think we can safely say that it won't end nicely. Be it now or in the future, it will all end badly. I don't think there is a nice option anymore.
Now I know you're probably screaming at the screen and wondering why on earth I haven't run for the hills by now. And I honestly just can't answer that one. It's all just so weird. Perhaps I'm only hanging around to see how it all ends. Or perhaps this one really has got a hold of me. Who knows. Perhaps I should take control and blow the whole situation wide open. Let the cat out the bag and leave nothing to the imagination. At least that way I'll see exactly how it ends. Perhaps it's that closure that I need.
I always get the feeling that with these types of situations that something will happen that is beyond all control. Isn't that how most secrets come out? You can have control of a situation but you can't control the unpredictable.
So yes, I'm slightly pissed off that after moving back to the UK in the hope of a better life, all I've managed to do is sit around waiting for something good to happen and putting my life on hold in the process. It's very annoying that things that are beyond my control are dictating how I live my life. It feels like I'm just the puppet and others are pulling the strings. The strings they don't have the right to be pulling.
I know that life throws things at us all, but I think I struggle with the taking control part.
So reader, my question to you is; How on earth do I take control of all of this and turn life around into a positive?
**Bear in mind we all know how weak willed I am, and I've had the fight knocked out of me way too much