I've Been Hanging By The Telephone

I might as well just come straight out with it and admit it. I’ve messed up. BIG TIME! And now I’m paying the price for it.

The Foreign One progressed, quite significantly. Much to my better judgement I gave in and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I couldn’t place him as a player, he denied it quite vigorously that he had ever done this kind of thing before, and to be honest, I did believe him. He showed a lot of signs of guilt as to what he was doing and changed from day to day from being quite standoffish to completely full on. There was no consistency to his reactions and the way he was with me. I told him time and time again that it couldn’t go on and that he had to do something about it. I tried to stop it, quite literally all the time, but it’s hard to do when barely an hour goes by without contact or seeing each other. Sorry I didn’t mention the last time that he works at the same place as me. So yea, it’s pretty damn difficult to avoid him.

Then came the L word! He’d said it some time ago and I just sort of ignored it and let the moment pass by. Then a couple of weeks ago he sent me 80, yes you did read that right, 80 texts in one night telling me how much he loved me, that he had no doubts about it at all, that it was the real deal and he was very much in love with me. I weakened, because I felt the same way. Things had been so intense and everything building up to that had told me that he felt that way. I’m a believer that you can’t fake your body language and the look you have in your eyes when you look at someone you really do love. He ticked all the right boxes on this. The morning after that he turned up on my doorstep to tell me in person.

I told him, well very much stressed to him that he had to do something about it, and now. He was running the risk now of being caught, hurting the girlfriend a hell of a lot. He could do it all far easier now by doing the whole, sorry it’s not working, it’s not you it’s me thing and walk away, yes hurting her, but nowhere near as much if he gets caught. He agreed and went off home. I heard nothing for two days till I saw him in work. He emailed me to say that he felt that he should stay and work at his relationship and that maybe he had more feelings for the girlfriend than he’s realised. I replied saying that if that was the case then he told me a whole lot of lies.

The next day the emails and texts still continued and went on all week and by the weekend he was texting me again to tell me that when he told me he loved me he’d meant it.

My head was completely wrecked but I knew it had to stop in some way and the way things where going it wasn’t going to stop. So this last week I told him that we had to go completely no contact. Nothing at all, not a word. But the minute he felt that he couldn’t stay away any longer he had to do something about it. He agreed, said he understood and that it was the right thing to do. He broke it the following morning and when I didn’t reply two hours later he called to ask me why I was ignoring his emails. And so it went on all week until Friday when he seemed to get it and I heard nothing all day. I was ok with it, but also knew it wouldn’t last.

So yesterday I was in work and so was he. We chatted a bit but only the stuff that it was ok to say as other people where about. Everytime I looked up he was looking at me. You know those long lingering type of looks. Then completely by chance and probably by accident someone mentioned that he was going on holiday today! He hadn’t mentioned this to me at all so I correctly guessed that he was going away with the girlfriend. I couldn’t work out at that moment if I wanted to punch him or burst into tears. I got a friend to fake call me so I could get out of there pretty damn fast, but not before I’d dropped into conversation that I knew about his holiday. His jaw hit the floor and he mumbled a yes through the obvious shock of me knowing.

I was fuming, absolutely raging mad. At what point did he think I’d not notice that he wasn’t in work for a week or however long he’s going for? At what point did he not think to mention it to me? How did he think I’d react when I did find out or what lie was he going to tell me to cover it up? Like I said, I was fuming.

I went round to my friends house quite literally shaking with rage. I text him saying that I hoped he and the girlfriend (and I inserted her name because up to that point he didn’t know that I knew who she was) had a lovely holiday together, and added the obligatory kiss kiss at the end just for good measure. He replied a while later saying that it was interesting how I knew the girlfriends name and I replied just saying that I knew a lot of people. He came back with an ah right, any reason for the text. I didn’t reply and left it at that. Stuff him, he can go on holiday and worry about what or who I might know and what damage I could be doing while he’s not around. Plus according to one of my male friends, being away for a week knowing that he has now left things on very bad terms with me, probably unable to contact me as the girlfriend will be there all the time, having gone through months of being in constant contact with me, he’ll be pining for my attention and worrying at the same time as to what he might be coming back to. He won’t be enjoying his holiday one little bit. Good.

I gave in this morning, knowing that he was going today, and I text just saying that if he hadn’t worked it out already I’m absolutely fuming with him, not that he would care anyway. He hasn’t replied as yet. He can go and stew on that one for a week or however long he’s going for.

So now I feel like I’m hanging my the telephone waiting for some contact. Something has to happen. Right? Or maybe he will just bury his head in the sand and wait for his return and whatever fate he may have to face. And it’s not like he can just avoid me and not contact me ever again. We see each other in work every day. We aren’t in the same department or office but we are in the same building so we are going to see each other at some point and he does have reason to ask me stuff now and then about work.

Plus there is a whole lot of unfinished business isn’t there? My friend reckons that he just didn’t know how to tell me he was going away and hasn’t known for some time how to tell me this was coming up. It could also be the reason as to why he didn’t dump the girlfriend. Or maybe my insistence of no contact came at a really convenient time for him. But still he should have told me he was going away, even been a man and told me he wanted to make a go of it with the girlfriend. But to tell me nothing just isn’t on, especially knowing that I would find out and he would have to face me when he gets back.

There is also the line of thinking that now I’ve revealed that I do know who the girlfriend is that I should give him hell and threaten to tell the girlfriend. Well that is, only if he doesn’t dump her when he gets back off holiday. If he comes back, give him a week and if he still does nothing then tell him I want nothing more to do with him and tell the girlfriend. Big time bitch thing to do but if he still doesn’t do anything then I’ve nothing to lose and surely she deserves to know what he’s been doing behind her back? Or maybe that is just bad karma.

The couple of people in work that know about all this are struggling to understand what is going on here as they both agree that he isn’t a bad guy and given everything he has done and the way he has been around me and the things he’s said and the fact that everytime he’s agreed it had to stop he’s just come back again and again. One friend offered the suggestion that he never expected to fall for me the way he has but he also doesn’t know how to dump the girlfriend and is afraid of being the bad guy. Unfortunately what he isn’t grasping is that unless he takes action he is going to be the really bad guy.

To be honest, I also struggle to think he is a bad guy too. I’ve known a good few bad ones and players in my time and he just doesn’t have the same characteristics as them. He doesn’t use the same lines and he is nowhere near as careful as what they were. In fact, he isn’t careful at all. There is an enormous trail of evidence behind him that if the girlfriend did find out or I told her he wouldn’t be able to deny it in any way.

I think I’m also annoyed because moving here was my shot at having a normal life and starting again and in some ways if this goes wrong then he has ruined all that. I just feel that I’ve had too many knocks in life and something good needs to happen, and in all honesty I thought this was the good thing to happen at last. I don’t think I will be able to find it in me to forgive or forget and I will remain angry at having to see him all the time knowing what he has done, especially as he knows what I have been through and the current problems I am having with small child. I feel that if he did feel the way he said he did and if he had any heart to him at all, he wouldn’t do this to me, especially now of all times.

So what do I do? Do I tell or not tell (if it was me I’d be hurt but glad that someone had the guts to tell me)? Or do I give him the chance to make it right? Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him, not ask or tell him he has to chose, but tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to dump the girlfriend now (well when he gets back off holiday)?

One friend did say that this holiday may actually kill their relationship anyway. He is going to be moody as hell, distracted and not focused on the girlfriend. She may well smell a rat herself.

Or I could just completely ignore him permanently, which will be pretty damn hard to do and everyone agrees that there is no way we’ve heard the last of him. Ignoring won’t be an option in work either.

HELP!!!!!!! Seriously! What do I do?????