Light At The End Of The Tunnel???

The psychic woman had told me that when I saw the daffodils then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel. Now the weather has picked up there are daffodils all over the place. I took the dog for a walk this afternoon (yes I got a dog to assist with the sitting at home alone thing) and it was like there was daffodils around every corner.

But I'm still not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.

OK, so I'm in a shitty mood today because small child went back again yesterday. We've had a great few weeks together, and she kept on saying how much she missed me and would be ok moving over here. But she's terrified to talk to Batman, and until she does then nothing is ever going to happen. Then she goes back there, he's in her ear with his manipulating tricks again and suddenly there is no word of her wanting to move and she's getting fussy about when she's over here next. I felt like banging my head off a brick wall. It seems that no matter what I do, what I say, how much I work to reassure her and how much she tells me she wants to be here, the minute she's back with him it's all back to square one again. And unfortunately until the day comes that she will stand up to him and not give into his manipulation then this will just go on and on.

Sometimes I do feel like chucking the towel in and just concentrating on my own life, rather than continuing to put my life on hold until this all gets sorted. I always knew it would be a waiting game, but I think that at some point I have to draw a line and accept that it isn't going to get sorted any time soon, while she's still too young to understand. And I need to stop putting my life on hold and letting time just pass me by.

So my own life........... yea, light at the end of the tunnel - NOT! Perhaps I was taking the psychic woman's message wrong. She said that when I saw the daffodils then the greatest gift of all would be on it's way to me. But looking up what the greatest gift of all is on Google, the unanimous answer is love. Perhaps I was waiting for the wrong gift to arrive.

Which brings me to Toyboy. We've finally spoken about what his supposed best friend said. It only took me 3 months to stew on it then muster up the courage to speak to him. He says that he never said all that stuff and that it was his mate saying it from his own opinion based on an outsider looking in. He asked me if I believed it, and I told that I hadn't but had thought that if it was true then he was a bloody good actor. He laughed and said that I knew full well that he couldn't act as he can't even lie straight faced. He said he was sorry for his friend speaking to me that way and that he was sorry if he'd hurt my feelings, as he'd never set out to do that. We then started to get a bit of an audience, even though we'd made it pretty clear that we was sitting alone and obviously talking privately. I became conscience of the growing audience of his friends so cut the conversation short, pretty much leaving it up in the air and not really knowing what happens now. Do we pick up where we left off or are we back to being "friends". Remember last time we did "friends"? It lasted about a week before we was back all loved up again.

Me and Toyboy have always had communication issues. I'm pretty damn crap at tackling anything where he's concerned, which isn't like me at all as I learnt my lesson very hard through He Whose Name....... that if there is an issue, tackle it, say your piece and be done with it. But with Toyboy I find it very hard to get the words right that I want to say to him. Although when I text him the other day and said that I wanted to talk and do it face to face not over the phone he was perfectly fine about it and very cooperative. So it's not as though he's actually hard work or difficult when it comes to actually talking. The problem also lies that sometimes when we do talk, he says all the wrong things, annoys me because it doesn't make sense and then he doesn't know how to make it right. He even said that he's known for ages now that there was something wrong and that I've been decidedly off with him, but he just didn't know what to say.

And "friends". It won't work, I know it won't work. Together we are great, apart we are terrible, add in a few drinks and a bit of flirting, we could end up as friends with benefits. When we are together it is really, really good. We aren't awkward or picky with each other, everything is naturally and I couldn't ask for anyone better. Friends with benefits is not an option. Plus I think we need to be very clear cut about where the lines are drawn here. I don't want to be enemies either, and it's pretty damn hard to avoid someone in a village this size.

So what are the options then?

He says he doesn't want the whole full on relationship. But, and here's my point. If it wasn't true what his friend said and he's never used me at all, how can he say he doesn't want a relationship? How can you not want something that you haven't properly tried? I've always got the impression that this came from peer pressure and not what he actually wanted. Body language doesn't lie.

So, I think it's going to be another dose of courage for me and I'm going to say this; We either do the whole relationship thing, one step at a time, take it slow and not too full on, and we give it a try. If it doesn't work out then we agree now to not get into any he said she said type arguments, especially in public and not involve other people (this has always been a problem as well). It's our business, end of. At least if we try then we know if it's what we want or not. If he doesn't want to do the relationship thing, then we can't be friends like we was before. I honestly do not think we could go back to that now, too much has happened. We was the best of friends, but I think that when one side has feelings then it gets too messy. So unfortunately it will have to be acquaintances and nothing else, and a case of keeping the distance. Not easy round here but I'm sure it can be done. I'm sure other people manage it just fine.

So the psychic woman said that he would be the one giving me the ultimatum. OK, so perhaps she got us mixed up or something. Just a question, if anyone knows this, when you have these readings done I'm sure someone told me that it's usually for the next 6 months of your life. Anyone know if that's true?

I'm getting close to the 6 months now, so the daffodils are out, perhaps I was looking for the wrong gift and I also think it's about time I gave my life a bit of a jump start. I really don't think I should be sitting around waiting any longer and from now on I need to get out there and get something back for me.

I think it's about time Yummy Mammy had something good to write about hey????


xxxxxxx