Is Life Too Short?

I won't even bother apologising this time. I say it time after time, and I know I'm crap. I am, THE, worlds worst blogger. I have my acceptance speech written on the back of a packet of fags.

Right anyway, I do have a valid excuse or two. Firstly I've had a wonky PC and a laptop that seemed to dislike the internet for some reason. Anyway, I'm hoping that is fixed and done with now. Next, I had the half term visit from small child. The past few weeks had been getting tough without her and she seemed to be getting a little bit distant on the phone. I was worried that she might be starting to manage without me, but I also worried about the influence Batman could be having on her. She came to visit and it was like having her back just the way she always was. Sometimes it's like dealing with a different child from when she's on the phone to when she's actually here. She loved being here and said when it was time to go back that she wished time would just stand still and that it went far too fast when she was here. She returned to Batman and back to being the child I hardly know over the phone. Can such a young child have such a split personality?

Next, love life is going crap. Actually, we'll come back to that.

So what has made me think that life is just too short? Firstly, I've had a close friend recently diagnosed with the big "C". It was fast and shocking and really stopped me in my tracks and made me think about a thing or two. All the things in life that you just never get around to doing. All the things you never say. All the emails you write and never send. All the texts you've wrote with tears in your eyes and then never sent. The chances you didn't take. The opportunities you missed. The mistakes made that you spend years paying for. And then you blink and realise you've missed so much. And one day you wake up and realise the years have passed you by. The opportunities you had at 20 aren't there anymore at 30. People that say they have no regrets are lying. At some point in our lives we all have them.

Then I decided to give my own head a good old bump and ended up in hospital and wasn't too good for a few days. Who knew a bump on the head could make you feel so crap! So while I was sat in A&E for 6 hours with all sorts of worries going through my mind I also had the time and the peace to have a good long think about all the could / should / would things in my life.

So long and short of my friends terrible illness, my own bump on the head and a few days to think through what it is I need to do to get up off my arse and start making my life work for me and not just let it pass me by, is, well, ummmmmmm, I'm not actually too sure.

First things first. I promise to start blogging again, and doing it properly.

Next, I've been talking with a friend about going into business together. It's a bit of a long shot at the moment, but I think it's the right way forward. Being someone else's wage slave hasn't suited me for a long time now, and I can't see it ever really sitting right for me. Being a single parent it's increasingly more difficult to keep some sort of work life balance, so I need to find some balance, quick, hopefully in time for when small child starts making some decisions about where she's going to be living.

Last, the dreaded topic. The eventful, always traumatic and never straight forward, overly complicated and a natural disaster zone - the love life.

Mr Dishy was a no go. Probably extremely eligible on paper, would tick all the right boxes in a questionnaire of what a single girl like me should be looking for. But in truth, aside from him being dishy, there wasn't much else or form of spark there. Actually, if I'm going to be honest, he sort of bored me a bit.

So why would a perfectly normal, highly eligible, single bloke not float my boat?

Bloody Toyboy!

OK, so I shouldn't get all hung up on a bloke that isn't worthy of the attention and the mind time I devote to him. But I still haven't told him about what his supposed best friend said. I didn't speak to him for weeks, which was actually really hard especially given the amount of times I saw him and had to walk past him without saying a word. Eventually I gave in and text him and said that I didn't like this not speaking thing. He did reply and now we are back to general conversation. Last week I thought we was making some more progress. He was out with a different friend, not the supposed best friend, and he behaved so differently towards me. I'd actually go as far as to say he flirted with me. It was like we'd gone back 6 months and back to how we used to be. This week, different story, and in front of his supposed best friend, he behaves like a complete idiot again.

Trouble is, turn the clock back 6 months and I know how good it was. And so long as I keep seeing him all the time, which I'm bound to do now I'm back in one horse town, then the thought of knowing just how good it was will always be there. Every time we have a passing look at each other that goes on for slightly longer than a brief glance, that spark will be reignited. Well in me it will. And last week, I saw that spark in him too. I've tried not to over analysis stuff, but it's there, I know it is. You know when you just know that something is right.

I've spoken to a few friends that know him too. They all say to just bide my time and let Toyboy do things in his own time. Remain being natural and stay the same with him. We are supposed to be friends after all. The time will come. After all the psychic woman told me to hang on in there with him.

Patience has never been one of my strong points so I haven't got a clue where I'm going to find some from. But at this moment I don't think I should give up on something, someone, that made me so happy and that I know can still make me happy. People keep telling me to just talk to him. But I don't think I should force the issue with him. I don't think there will ever be a good moment to tell him what his supposed best friend said about him. He knows now that there is a reason why I stopped speaking. It's up to him to ask me in his own good time. I just hope he gets a move on about it.

See what I mean about the could / should / would? A life with regrets is the pits. I have loads of regrets from the past. I'd sort of like to have a future without them. I'd like to not regret doing what I have had to do with small child. I'd like to not regret giving up my glittering career in search of some work life balance and I'd like to not regret not giving up on Toyboy.

And if Toyboy finds another Yummy Mammy in this one horse town, then good luck to him. But I'd like to think he'd spend a very long time looking for a Mammy as yummy as this one.