Yummy Mammy's New To-Do list, by Expat Mum

Right, now that I’m back on terra firma (ie. England) I’ve got another to-do list to work through. It goes something like this (introductory piano tinkle)-

-Change name. I can’t go around calling myself “Mammy” in England. Someone will think I’m Irish, or even worse, from the north east of England, (no offence Expat Mum). Unfortunately if I become Yummy Mummy that will give people the wrong impression and I’m not sure I’ll be able to live up to the name on a daily basis anyway. Mind you, I’m used to Yummy Mammy and can’t really be bothered to come up with a new name right now so Yummy Mammy it will remain which means that this isn’t officially on the to-do list. Good, that’s one checked off.

- Change job as soon as possible. It’s okay to have a rubbish job as a stop-gap but I need to start looking out for something better – more exciting, to suit this new phase of my life. Of course, jumping to another job too quickly will make me look a bit flighty, unreliable and a pathetic employment prospect. Perhaps I could say that the job wasn’t stretching me, or had no promotion potential and I can take on a lot more. That would make me look like I was serious about a serious career and willing to work hard. Have to make sure I don’t come off as an arrogant cow though.

- Friends; sort out the wheat from the chaff. As I mentioned in the post before I moved, a lot of my friends here only saw me when I came over to party. Many of them don’t have children and probably won’t understand when I say that my small child is my priority. Yes, I’ll continue to have a good time but I can’t be getting pissed every night even if I want to - hangover and small child are not compatible. It’ll be interesting to see who sticks around and who disappears off in a puff of smoke.

-Ditto the Toy boy. Now that I’ve officially declared myself his girlfriend (albeit without his input or knowledge – see previous posts) things could change in a big way. As I said, I may decide to lead and see if he follows. I’m certainly not going to be dancing to anyone else’s tune any more. And I’m certainly not letting him move in until small child is settled, if ever.

- Get rid of the Unsuitable One once and for all. I don’t mean in the concrete slippers kind of way but if he continues to semi-stalk me I’ll have to get one of the lads to make threatening noises in his general direction.

- Enjoy life (in a grown-up, responsible adult kind of way). It’ a new life.

(Any attempts at guidance and/or advice from Expat Mum in the above post are totally coincidental, but should perhaps be taken into consideration all the same. Wink. )

How to Catch a Cheating Husband in 5 Simple Steps

Let me start by saying - thanks to Yummy Mammy for letting me post this anonymously. And also? I hope you never need this information.

But one day, if you find yourself listening to someone tell you that you're being unreasonable and paranoid; that your hormones are driving you mad; that you're reading something into nothing - that's when I want you to remember this post.

I was caught by surprise when my partner cheated on me. He swore it was just a flirtation, nothing had happened, it was a one-off, he'd make it up to me. I believed him - to a degree. But I also started checking up on him. And I'm glad I did - over the next 12 months he cheated on me three more times with three different women. That I know of.

My suspicions were first roused by Facebook. I'd logged into his account after he'd used my computer at home, and changed his privacy settings so his profile was completely open. I could easily see who was sending him virtual drinks, who he was friends with (and didn't mention at home), who was writing on his wall. Just as an aside, my partner used the same password on all of his accounts - and it was the first thing you'd think his password would be.

Stage two was to check his phone. My partner regularly deleted his call history and messages, "to save memory". Yeah right. So when he was in the shower, I checked his photos and found a stored naked photo of another woman. Then I checked his address book for names I didn't recognise - one of which was "JULIE MISTRESS". Yeah, subtle, isn't it?

Knowing my partner was less than honest, I knew the phone wasn't proof of anything. So I started reading his emails. My partner's work provided him with POP3 email access which meant he could check his emails from the home computer - luckily for me, he'd set up an account once on my computer and never deleted his log-in details. I just ticked a box, and all his mails downloaded to my machine (remember if you do this to tick the 'leave a copy of messages on the server' option or he'll soon cotton on).

A few months of email revealed my partner was having explicit sexual conversations with three different women, was using five different dating sites, and advertising on Gumtree for anonymous lunchtime encounters. One day, he asked to borrow my laptop for a presentation he was giving and I said sure - but I installed keystroke logging software first. This emailed me a copy of everything he did on the laptop that day, including (handily enough) the log-in names and passwords on all the dating and webmail applications he'd been using.

Of course, this still wasn't conclusive proof, so I took one more step.

I signed up to the dating site he used most frequently. Having seen his profile, I made myself his perfect woman - a 27-year-old blonde graduate, new to London, interested in all his favourite bands and authors, and even a major fan of his favourite comedians. How could he resist? Well, he couldn't - he sent me a flirty message within 48 hours of my signing up to the site.

I replied with a friendly, flirty message - and that was all the encouragement he needed. Within 24 hours, he'd paid for my subscription to the service so we could exchange messages. He was asking about my fantasies and experiences, and then sent me a photograph of him "enjoying himself" while apparently thinking about the fake girl he'd created. He invited me to a date at a hotel on Friday and I accepted.

On Friday morning, I rang the hotel and confirmed that Mr S had indeed booked a double room for that evening. I called him at work and asked what he wanted for dinner - to hear that he was going to have to work late, and might stay in town with his friend Pete. Busted.

I didn’t say a word. Instead, I waited four weeks until his next business trip. The moment he left the house, I packed up his belongings and put them into storage. I changed the locks. I filed divorce papers. Then I sent a fax to his hotel telling him not to bother coming home again.

They say people who eavesdrop never hear anything good about themselves. And that's true, to an extent. But if I hadn't spied, I would never have known the extent of his cheating - and I might even have still been with him, being lied to and betrayed over and over again. Who knows how many years I might have wasted?

Safely home... What next?

There's two things I need to do this evening, catch up with Strictly and write this guest blog for Yummy Mammy. I know where my priorities lie, Ricky Whittle is just going to have to wait for my attention.

I am happy to report that Yummy Mammy is back safely in the UK, with two van loads of stuff. A bit of a drama considering she'd only booked the one! She's celebrated her return with friends but there's no gossip or drama to report on Toyboy just yet. I also have no reports of Starbucks withdrawal. All in all I'd say no major news is good news, I think Yummy Mammy deserves a few peaceful weeks after every thing she's been through.

And what a roller coaster it's been. Anonymously blogging throughout has been a godsend for YM. Getting stuff out of your head and written down is therapeutic for most of us. Blogging has the added advantage of getting support and advice too. There's been times when I've wished my blog was anonymous so I could be completely honest about certain aspects of my life. The anonymous thing never did, or would, work for me. I'd blow my secret identity on Facebook or Twitter in no time!

As well as keeping us informed and entertained, it is fair to say YM has done her bit to raise awareness of a problem faced by an increasing number of single parents around the world (read more here). And whilst the battles over I am sure that's not the end of the story. I hope she keeps us up to date with the ins and outs of her life as she adjusts to being back in the country she calls home.

What will the future bring? Ten years from now I hope that YM is still blogging away with the trials and tribulations of parenthood and relationships. Hopefully YM will have found herself a worthy man, whether Toyboy is good enough to fit that bill is yet to be seen! I have no doubt she will be happier and healthier than she has been this last year. And her happiness will rub off on Small Child, as she enters the world of adulthood. And just maybe Batman will be working with YM to make sure Small Child is put first whatever has happened in the past, something Batman should have started doing a long time ago, but thankfully seems to be getting the hang of now.

I hope this blog doesn't disappear, I hope it lives on in whatever form as a snapshot of history. As we come to the end of the first decade of the 21st Century Yummy Mammy has raised some issues that show just how laws meant to protect people can be used against them and make their lives difficult. YM shows us the extraordinary challenges ordinary single parents face, that need to be highlighted and not forgotten. Keep up the great work...

Helen is guest blogging from www.helenthornber.com and you can find her on Twitter too. For those of you visiting Yummy Mammy for the first time you can read more of her story here and here.

Guest post: Big in Japan

‘Ikumy with a k?’ The girl nervously fiddles around with the frills on her petticoat, exchanging a view and a giggle with her friend, dressed in similar attire. ‘Yes, yes, with a k.’ says one of the gothic Lolitas as I watch my hand leading the fountain pen to perform my signature in big, blue letters. For Ikumy. Tokyo, October 2014. xx Yummy Mammy. I hand back the book to the girl who giggles again. ‘Dōmo arigatō.’

The queue reaches far beyond I can see from the little desk the bookshop’s manager set up for me. Stepping forward is a businessman in a smart grey suit, white shirt. Black hair sleeked back, manicured hands, heavy black-framed glasses. How would I name this Asian version of Elvis Costello? ‘Hai. Moshi moshi?’, he bellows into his mobile, handing me a copy of The Secret Diaries. For Haimoshi. Tokyo, October2014. xx Yummy Mammy. Haimoshi hangs up and looks at the signature. All of a sudden his puzzled, stern look softens and he breaks out into roaring laughter. ‘Are you ever going to call a man by his real name?’ I try a smile and manage a smirk. ‘Only if it’s true love, the real deal.’

With the bookshops closing at 8pm, the streets in Jimbocho are deserted by 8:30. Tokyo’s bookshop district has welcomed me with open arms, and the more I stay here, the more I like this city. I open the window a little bit to catch some air. The driver sighs. His fingers drum on the steering wheel as we are slowly creeping through Tokyo traffic. ‘Is it far to walk to the Cerulean?’ He shakes his head. ‘No, Madame, maybe ten minutes.’ He bends back and looks at my feet. ‘Or 20, if you are going to walk in these shoes.’ I open the rear door of the limousine and get out of the car, into the city.

The sound of my heels clicking on the polished black granite floor makes the concierge look up. ‘Any messages for me?’ He hands me my room key and a hand written note. ‘Your daughter called and asked to be called back.’

On the 22^nd floor, the elevator opens its doors to release me onto the long corridor stretching out in front of me. The thick carpet swallows every little noise. The clicking of my heels, the flicking sound of the door opening, the smacking sound of it falling back into its lock. I kick off my Louboutins and my toes sink into the fluffy, cream white woollen fabric. I call room service and order some sushi and a soup. Tonight I will be sitting at the window, soaking up the breathtaking views. Tokyo’s city lights are glistering like stars glued to the houses.

It’s only 7am on the other side of the globe. After two rings she picks up. ‘Hello?’ She sounds sleepy. ‘Good morning, Small Child! Time to get ready for school.’ She answers with a long yawn. ‘Hi, mum! Good you are calling. I really need to ask you something.’ ‘Yes, thanks, my day was great but exhausting and I miss you, too. So what is it?’ ‘Can I go and sleep over at Lily’s tonight? All the other girls are going, too, and I really really want to. But Nanna said I needed to ask you first. I really really really want to go!’ She sounds upbeat and all awake now. ‘Just as much as you really really wanted to live with your father?’ I smile as I can hear her puffing air through her closed lips. ‘Muuuum!’ The doorbell rings and puts me off teasing my daughter any longer. ‘Off you go then, sweetheart. Give Nanna a kiss from me and don’t stay up too late.’

My stomach rumbles in anticipation as I open the door. ‘Surprise!’ says Jason, pulling me close.

Posted by guest blogger Metropolitan Mum.

Today's The Day My Life Changes Forever

Well today has finally arrived. The day I thought a few months ago I'd never see. The day that seemed impossible at times to ever get to. Well it's finally here.

I've pre-written this post as my computer needed to be packed and shipped along with all my other worldly goods, so if something major has happened in between Tuesday evening and Thursday morning then all this post is a load of rubbish and I may well be telling you a pack of lies. And I suppose I'm only guessing really now about how I'm going to feel come Thursday. But for now, we'll just pretend it's Thursday morning and everything has gone to plan (so far) and I'm sat in my empty house with just my laptop and my thoughts.

I guess today is the day that my two worlds collide. BANG! I've been having this double life thing going on now for a while. My crappy, single struggling mother life in Ireland, where I go to work, plan the dinner, do the house work, and well just have all the normal things in life, plus all the crappy elements as well. Over in England I've had the good life. The going out, the getting drunk, the men (insert girlie giggle) and the dating dramas. And now those two lives are about to come together. All those friends (and Toyboy) are going to have to deal with the everyday life version of me. They have all gotten so used to me jetting in, having a good time and then jetting off again, and so have I for that matter. Now I'm going to be there and going to work, and having a house to keep clean and tidy, and making the dinner and basically being a fully fledged grown up, which is something I've never actually done in my home village. Before I left there I lived at home. I wasn't a grown up. Now I am.

And then there is the going back to village life aspect. Having lived in a city for so long now, how will I cope with village life again? Now I say lived in a city, I've lived in the suburbs for most of the time with only a brief stint actually in the city centre itself. But still, even the suburbs have all the trappings of a city. My village in England has a pub, a petrol station, a shop and a school. And that's it. No Starbucks, no 24 hour shops, no take aways, no off license that delivers and no hairdressers that opens on a Sunday. Have I grown to used to my city comforts? And how will I cope with the "Cheers" factor? (where everybody knows your name).

And don't get me started on the lack of designer clothing stores. I may have to travel far and wide now to get my clothing fixes.

So am I ready for village life again? I think so. Something inside me is longing to settle down. To put down good firm roots and belong again. I almost feel as though I've put on hold for so long the getting on with my life part. For so long I've just plodded from day to day with no real purpose or direction. And although I always had hopes and aspirations, there was always something inside that held me back from doing things, probably simply because I was here and not there, and I didn't particularly want to do it here.

Now I sit here and look out at the future, and granted I literally do not have a clue what it holds, at least I know that I've taken the first steps to getting on with the rest of my life. The new job might be rubbish, the house may not suit, the Toyboy thing may fall flat on it's face, small child may take a little longer than I'd hope to get fed up of Batman, but at least it won't be the end of the world. It'll just mean that life needs a little tweaking, not a major overhaul.

Funny enough there are things I'll miss about Dublin. I'll miss my house as we really have made this into our home. I'll miss my job as they where a nice bunch of blokes and it was pretty laid back as well. There are people I'll miss as well, but hopefully it won't be the last I see of them, and there are others I'll be glad to see the back of and hope to never hear from them again. I certainly won't miss the horrendous Dublin traffic or the absolute rip off cost of living.

So now it's time for Yummy Mammy to sign off for a couple of weeks and leave you in the hands of a few guest posters I have lined up for you. They will be having their day of being me and as well as guest posting they will try to predict what the future holds for Yummy Mammy and keep you informed of how my welcome home party goes and any other bits of gossip.

Well I hope they predict me a good future full of lots of nice things. Personally I can't even see tomorrow yet, which reminds me, what the hell am I going to wear for my party! But if I was to predict what my future holds, there would only be two things I could ask for. Health and happiness for both of us. So long as we have that then nothing else matters.

So raise a glass to yourselves dear readers, without you and the huge amounts of support you have given me then I am not sure this day would ever have happened. Thank you to all the ladies that blogged to Save One Mammy, and yes, when I have 5 minutes to think and plan, we will do some more on that. So to each and every one of you I give you an award. Take your pick from my trophy cabinet over there on the right, give it a dust down and be proud that through the power of blogging, twitter and lots of positive vibes, you all managed to save this Mammy.

Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be Yummy Mammy For A Day

How do you fancy being me for a day?

Don't worry you don't have to put up with Batman, or attempt to seduce Toyboy or even get involved with the house moving.

Expat Mum came up with a cracking idea for guest blogging whilst I move. Guests post as me; as Yummy Mammy, predicting what the future holds, what may or may not happen etc. So basically you get to be me and talk about the future in your own style, even making it up as you go along. The more bizarre the better, after all this is Yummy Mammy and if life wasn't like a bloody big roller coaster with lots of twists and turns, then it simply wouldn't be Yummy Mammy.

So get in touch if you fancy it.

Only 5 days till we are off now. Packing is going crap, the house fell through at the last minute, but I prayed to the God of nice houses and a friend came to my rescue with hopefully a new home for us. So fingers crossed there.

And my pizza jut arrived o I'm off to stuff my face.

xx

Reader, I Divorced Him!

So I kept this one a little bit quiet, mainly because it was still touch and go right up to first thing this morning if it was going to go ahead or not. But I flew back to Dublin last night for the very last time. This morning I attended court, and after 5 minutes in court, I was divorced. That's it. All over and done with. And me and Batman even shared a joke in court over how useless his solicitor was and then left court and shuck hands.

I know, shocking. We parted on good terms. After all those years of battling it out, far too many court appearances and god only knows how much in legal fees, in the end it was the pair of us that sorted it all out with the help of small child. Naturally his solicitor tried to draw things out longer, actually made a couple of mistakes that I was only to happy to point out (one in the eye there I felt) and actually looked quite sad to be losing her best customer. Everything over our agreement about small child is now set down in a court order so there will be no wriggling out of it for Batman. So now, I hope and pray that I never see the inside of a court room again in my life.

I think it's too early for me to start sharing some wisdom on what this whole episode has taught me. I think over the past five years that I have been having this battle I have grown so much within myself, learnt far more about myself than I could ever have imagined and most importantly I have discovered that I have levels of strength and determination that five years ago I never thought I would have. I have also learnt a hell of a lot about the law, and once I get my thoughts together I will post about this as it has become something that has opened my eyes and I have seen things and discovered things that I probably would never have believed before I went through this whole process. But I'll save that post for another day.

For now I can breath a huge sigh of relief. Finally it is all over and it's time to move on with my life and start a whole new chapter. And what a chapter that could turn out to be. When I first started this blog it was all about my quest to, well, be a Yummy Mammy, find a half decent man, and all the stuff I got up to in between. Then it all became about my on-going legal battles, so now it's time to go back to what I started doing in the first place. After all, I am a single (ish) girl now and after marriage number one comes hubby number two!

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So in other news, I was away over the weekend and not really much to report. Toyboy remembered at the last minute that he was actually away for the weekend on a stag do, so I only saw him for a few hours on Thursday night. Actually it was really nice as he was back to being his old self. The longing looks and lots of conversation was back. I actually felt a bit lost then for the rest of the weekend without him about. OK so I missed him - a lot. I chatted quite a bit to one of his friends on Saturday. He seemed to think that everything would be fine once I move.

Well that's if I haven't stuffed it all up.

I've gone and gotten myself a stalker. Remember I mentioned a couple of times The Unsuitable One? Well he is now officially freaking me out. Actually he's more than freaking me out, it's getting very creepy. The last time I was home a male friend managed to really offend him by telling him to f**k off and leave me alone. OK so he was leering just a little bit too much. What me and male friend didn't then see was The Unsuitable One having an almighty tantrum. We didn't discover this until .......... I'll come back to that. So as I felt bad about it in my apologetic mode the next day I agreed to attend an event on Friday night. And I made sure I specifically said as friends. I thought it would be OK as Toyboy was also going and some of his friends that I know well. Phew I thought, there is my escape route. Do a good deed and kill two birds with one stone. But then Toyboy double booked and left me on my own to deal with The Unsuitable One, who decided to make out to others at this event that I was his date! NOTAFUCKINGCHANCE! In my pathetic attempt to let him down gently I sort of said something along the lines that me and Toyboy are actually quite serious and that I'm quite in love with him. Whoops. Which then prompted The Unsuitable One to tell me I'd broken his heart and then tell other people there that I was Toyboys girlfriend. Double whoops.

We went back to the local pub and thank the lord, the previous mentioned male friend was there, him and his mates came to my rescue, which prompted yet another tantrum from The Unsuitable One (nobody offended him this time though, it was just a tantrum). At which point the others informed me and male friend of the previous mentioned tantrum. I beat a few heads together with exclamations of why the fuck hadn't they told me earlier. One of the group told me that he thought it was all very weird and that he was actually getting very creepy now. I told them about what I'd said about Toyboy, I also told the bar man, who is a friend of Toyboy, all thought it was funny, but also that it was called for as The Unsuitable One needs to back off now before he becomes a full on stalker. Personally I was more concerned about Toyboy killing me for saying that to people, although now I have told other people and the reasons behind it, then he'd better be OK about it. I spent the rest of the weekend avoiding any form of conversation with The Unsuitable One, and then I got a really creepy bizarre text from him. I didn't reply. I am officially now freaked by him. At least other people have now said that they think it's creepy so I know that I have lots of male friends about to put the weirdo in his place if he starts again.

Toyboy may still kill me though. Well to combat that I will just have to make myself official girlfriend material as soon as possible.

Like I said, this new chapter may well be very interesting.

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So does anybody fancy being a guest poster on Yummy Mammy whilst I'm moving?

I sort of figure that I'm going to be very, indeed extremely busy over the next couple of weeks. But I also figure that there is going to be a whole lot happening. Oh forgot to mention, I'm having a coming home / divorce party the day after I move. Should be interesting. Anyway, sorry back to the topic in hand. So, do you fancy being a bit of a roving reporter? I thought it might be interesting to have a few guest posts, so you can post whatever you like (naturally within reason, sorry I can't allow dwarf porn) and also do bits of updates about what I am up to (this bit will actually involve tracking me down and asking what the hell I am doing). I'm hoping that at least someone can take this on from next week onwards (hopefully a few of you will fancy doing it) and I'm reckoning that I will be off planet blogging for about two weeks, depending on when I get moved into my new house, get it online and actually sit down to post. So in realistic Yummy Mammy years, it may be longer than two weeks. So if you fancy it, give me a shout.

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And last but not least. I couldn't let this pass, and as my regular readers will know, I'm a bit of a Boyzone fan, and so is small child. So I was shocked and actually quite upset to hear the news that Stephen Gately had sadly died. I had the pleasure of spending time in his company many years ago as he was an ex of someone I know. He was a lovely, sweet, kind man and it is so tragic that his life has been cut short at such a young age. Below is a photo I took of Stephen just a few months ago. It would seem that this year has been a year full of shocking and tragic celebrity deaths and should remind us all to live each day the very best we can. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

RIP Stephen Gately

Gambling on Red

If you went in a casino with your life savings and the deeds to your house in your pocket, would you stick it all on red? Would you gamble everything on the spin of a wheel?

I think most of us would probably say no to that one. But surely, for most of us, a lot of the decisions we make in life are a bit of a gamble. After all, none of us have a time machine to be able to see how our gambles are going to pay off. And isn't that what we learn in life? If we make a mistake, as most of us do at some point, we learn to dust ourselves down, pick ourselves up and either get along with the hand we have been dealt or burn the cards and start all over again.

I guess that is what I am doing right now. I'm currently sat here with boxes and bags everywhere. I'm pretty much living in chaos. Clothes no longer go back in the wardrobe. They go into piles, what I will need soon after landing and what can wait. I've stopped stocking the fridge and freezer and now just buy as I go for what I need there and then. Small child no longer has a bedroom as the walls needed painting (5 years of scribbles on walls and pink paint has taken its toll), the furniture needed dismantling, so that's all done and the once pretty girly bedroom is now a big white empty room used for storing packed things. I am now dismantling our life here, ready to start a new life. The life I have fought so long and so hard for now feels like an enormous gamble.

So why?

I suppose it's not really so much a gamble, but with so many new things about to happen I guess at some point it was always going to become slightly daunting. Oh forgot to say, sorry, I got the job! Great news, and one less thing to worry about. Although it is a worry as it's all new and starting a new job is always a little scary at first, especially as I'm not leaving my old job because I don't like it or anything like that. And then there's the new house. Suddenly I'm quite scared of leaving my house here and living in a new one, in a new place, with new neighbours and everything else that goes with moving into a new home. But I suppose it's not all bad given that I'm moving to an area I already know so I just have to get used to a new house and living in a little bit of chaos for a while.

And you know what else scares me? Toyboy.

Now why on earth should a young fella like that scare me? It's not so much that he scares me, it's the what if. You see everything has changed now hasn't it? Back a couple of months ago when we first started out, life was a little bit bleak for me and everything was covered with uncertainty. Now it's not. Now, in two weeks time, I'm going to be living there, and very close by to him. No longer will there be time constraints or me dashing off to catch flights, or fretting that I haven't seen him as much as I would have liked on that particular visit. Work getting in the way won't be an issue anymore and for the first couple of months, me having to juggle a child as well isn't going to be an issue. In fact, there aren't going to be any issues anymore. I'm just going to be a normal single girl living in the same place. And I'm terrified. It's the fear of rejection I guess.

Now this is the bit where I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but I guess I am in a way. See, I quite literally am beating them off with a stick. But, problem being, the ones I'm beating off with a stick, now don't get me wrong, most are pretty damn tasty and fine bits of stuff, but I know it wouldn't last past 8am the next day.

Toyboy is different. You see I have this problem that I know I'm hard work. I know, that if I'm with a bloke that worships the ground I walk on, then chances are I'm going to walk all over him. I don't mean to be like that, I just hate that feeling of being suffocated or knowing that I have that power over someone to have them at my beck and call. I'm a free bird that likes to fly and spread my wings. I need a man that isn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me no when I need to be told. That won't mind or bat an eyelid when I want to paint the town red with the girls or have a nervous breakdown when I present fish fingers for dinner because I simply can't be arsed to do anything else or because I spent the shopping budget for a month on a pair of Rock and Republic jeans and it's Tesco's value brand noodles every day till payday.

You see I can pretty much label all my previous blokes into three quite simple categories. They either suffocate me and love me too much or they want to control me and then there are the ones that use me and cheat on me. So we have the suffocaters, the controllers or the cheaters. Toyboy doesn't fit into any of those categories. He certainly isn't a suffocater, and he can barely control himself let alone anyone else, and as for cheating, absolutely not. So what label does that leave him with?

I look at Toyboy and see someone I could actually have a great time with, that I can just get on with it all with and just see what happens and where life takes us. But since everything changed and my life took this new direction, I don't actually know what he thinks about it all or how he sees things now. And I suppose I'm scared of having to have that conversation with him or even wait and find out what's going to happen next. It's that fear that he may turn round and say, nope, sorry pet, not what I want. And then I still have to see him around, like all the time, for the foreseeable future at least.

I don't actually know if I will have the conversation or not, or just wait and see what does happen. I'm over there again this weekend, I dare say I'll see him even without making any arrangements, and maybe that's how I should leave it all. Just let nature takes its course. But isn't that placing an angle of uncertainty in my now nearly sorted life? When surely I should be making this move forward and everything be a clean, fresh start?

Or maybe, just maybe, I should take a leap of faith and believe that if I lead he will follow. Remain aloof, unaffected and just get on with my life. I'm a great believer of body language and I know that a lot of the time what comes out of Toyboys mouth isn't what his body language is showing. Maybe I should believe in my instincts on Toyboy, take a step back and wait for him to follow. And if someone else gets there before him, then that's just life, and his loss.

Or maybe I should gamble it all on red, take a chance and just tell him.

We already established that you wouldn't place your life savings on red, so would you put your heart on red knowing that it's a straight forward 50/50 that it might come up black?

Still A Piece Missing

Bad blogger Yummy Mammy. I shall hold my hand out while you all slap it. I know I was bad leaving you all hanging there last week, and then waiting a bit longer whilst I went off celebrating for the weekend, and then got back and sort of couldn't really be arsed to sit and update. But I'm here now, so as usual, grab the fags, top up the glass or stick the kettle on. Yep, it's another Yummy Mammy update that ends with me having cramp in my poor little fingers. Make yourself comfortable.

We shall start with Batman.

I can guess that you have all been scratching your heads wondering how the hell I managed to get him to cave. How on earth have I finally managed to escape Ireland (well nearly, still 21 days to go yet) and manage to move back to good old England.

We reached a compromise! Yep! Shock horror. Me and Batman reached an amicable agreement. Would you bloody Adam and Eve it! Five years, tens of thousands in legal fee's and in the end the solution was simple. It just took a whole lot of heartache and some pretty big leaps of faith to sort it all out.

Remember a few weeks ago when things started taking some dramatic turns with small child suddenly wanting to go off and live with Batman? Remember that phone call as I stood in the airport? And then the random fainting? Oh and bloody Toyboy sticking yet another spanner in the works? Yep. That was some weekend wasn't it. But you all gave me such lovely comments and advice, picked me up and kept me going yet again. But within those bits of advice and the mountain of emails I received afterwards, came a few little bits that stuck out, and when I pieced them all together the answer was there.

As a few of you told me, and quite rightly, Batman has been loving the control he's had over me. He's loved the power and it wasn't so much about the fight for him, although I'm sure he loved it all, it remained the control he could have. And while he was in control he could manipulate small child as much as he liked and to suit him. Hence the sudden idea that she might like to go and live with him, "for a try" as she put it.

Well we all know, as adults, that the grass isn't always greener is it. So instead of fighting small child and Batman, I stopped. I took the fight away. Clean away and refused to fight no more. Fine I said, all do what you want and so will I. Small child, if you want to go and live with Batman then off you pop, and Batman if that is what you want, then there you go, one small child is all yours and I'm off home to England. See ya.

But then I asked, what happens if it all goes wrong? Shouldn't we have a fail safe here? After all, small child misses me terribly just over the weekends, how is she going to cope long term?

Stopped them in their tracks there. Suddenly Batman had to think about what he'd been fighting for and if it was really what small child actually wanted. I invited him round, gave him a cup of tea and a jam doughnut and was nice to him. The three of us sat down and discussed how such an arrangement would work. I was cool, calm and collected and as much as my inner voice wanted to scream at him and tell him what a wanker he was to even think that small child living with him would ever work in a million years, I said nothing. I did not fight back once. I just kept saying yes and OK. I'd stolen Batman's thunder.

And then I asked about what fail safe measures would be put in place. Gotcha I think the word running through my head was. After all, I would be living in England. I will have given up my job, my home, my crappy life and moved on. What happens if (read when into that, I know my girl) small child doesn't settle at Batman's and wants to go back to her Mammy. I just can't go giving up another job, home and life all over again to come back to Ireland to have to start all over again. Not an option my dear. Gotcha again there Batman.

He said he wanted a day or two to consider the options. But in the meantime he agreed everything in the divorce. Literally everything. Shocked! You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Less than 36 hours later he called me to ask to meet up again. A few hours later we met. He agreed that a fail safe needed to be put in place. And that fail safe was that small child could come and live with me in England!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!

And now for the realisation moment where I think he was secretly admitting that he knows it won't work. He asked that small child give it a proper go living with him and not just a week or two. I held my breath thinking he was going to say a year or something. Nope. All he wants is a couple of months so that I can go off, get myself sorted, have a bit of a break, get a new job, get a new house, get moved and settled so that if (again read when) small child decides to move, everything is set up ready and in place for her.

Do you know what, sat there, having a mocha in Starbucks, I could have bloody kissed him.

And just to add a bit more good to it all, he's also arranged to have it all done through proper legal agreement, I retain full custody throughout, he's going to do the backwards and forwards thing on the planes and delays in airports to bring small child over to visit me lots, and if (when) the time comes that she wants to move he's fine with that and will continue with the backwards and forwards on the planes with small child. And he's even arranged for small child to be seen every week by a counsellor and regular meetings with the welfare officers and psychologist, so that as soon as it starts to get upsetting for her, or the signs are showing that she wants to move, then I'll be told by them, so I won't even have to wait for him or her to tell me.

So in essence, he's given me a breather to get my life all sorted out and set up the new life for me and small child. She gets it out of her system over the whole living with him thing and he gets to realise that as we all always knew, small child is better off with her Mammy.

I know in a sense it's a risk to take, but actually I don't think it is. I know my girl. I know all her little fussy ways, her moods, her insistence that it's her way or no way and her demands of undivided attention or my god I'll know about it. And I know that she is set in her ways. Batman doesn't know all this because he's never had to deal with it all on a 24/7 basis. I know full well that she gets the attention and gets away with her fussy little ways with me, because that's how we've always been. She won't get that with him. There's Wicked Witch and their baby added to the mix there. Once the novelty wears off, the grass won't be so green anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, maybe I'm being a little bit selfish here. Maybe I should have fought on. But I think it was beginning to take it's toll just a little bit too much and the sudden fainting fit was a very loud wake up call. Plus legally I was fighting a losing battle. Ireland will not give up a child, right or wrong, it just won't let them out the country. This way I don't have to fight anymore, I just have to wait it out. And I know in myself that it won't take long. Hopefully just long enough for me to set up a whole nice new life for us. And I think it goes without saying that I'll miss her like mad, but it's a small sacrifice to make for a short time given what the end result will be.

Which brings me on to setting up the whole new life. Well all I now need to do is pack up this house, move it all over seas, find a new job so I can get a new house, move everything into new house, make it into a nice new little palace, focus myself on being fabulous and happy, and bham, job done.

So the actual moving part, kind of sorted. The parents are arranging the actual physical removal side, I just have to pack everything. Job, which is the huge thing really. Well I had a job interview there the other day (hence why I had to pull out of the really fab blogging event on Monday at the last minute, which I was mighty damn miffed about) but anyway, had this interview, they rang me back literally 10 minutes after and said, we love you, think you will be great for the role, we are going to offer you the job, we just need you to meet up with X,Y,Z so that they can rubber stamp it. Mad squeals, screams and some big time celebrating (we shall talk about that in a moment) so I goes back Monday morning to meet them again, and this bloke is now talking, "if you are the successful candidate". So then I left thinking, ummmmmm, have I actually got this job or not, cause now I don't know. So then speaks with the HR again, who says, it's fine, bloke thought you was great, it now has to be approved by someone at the top of the food chain before we can make an official offer, back to you in a few days. OK, slightly calmer but I'm far too impatient and now with 21 days to go, I want the friggin official offer!!!!!!! I'm still waiting at this moment in time for the official offer.

So with that still hanging up there in mid air it also means I can't get moving on the new house thing, because I also found a new house at the weekend, and it's lovely, and I really want it, and with just 21 days to go, I'm getting impatient (more on the house thing in a moment, you'll understand why when I get to it). But it's within the budget, suits the needs, is in the area I want and it's vacant now.

Bloody hurry up oh god of job offers!!!!!!

In the meantime I've carried on applying for jobs just in case. So if anyone knows of something suitable in the North West of England (email me for more precise location if you do) then please let me know. Cheers. There is a lot hanging in the balance here.

So now we move on to Toyboy.

Is he Mr On or Off?????? Guess what, I don't know!!!

I actually didn't really see him that much over the weekend. I was that busy doing lots of other things and meeting various other friends to celebrate, and he had other stuff on as well, that the first time I saw him properly was Sunday night, and basically he was that drunk that he could hardly stand let alone have a grown up conversation with me. So I thought it best to leave it as I'm over there again next week so I'll deal with it then. But hey, I'm going to be living there in 21 days anyway now.

Which brings me swiftly on to going back to the thing about the house. It's just round the corner from Toyboy. He will have to pass my house to get to his house (well his parents house as he hasn't yet ever left home). Now I will add that this wasn't intentional, but given that it's a small enough area anyway I was always going to end up living near to him, just there isn't much available in the area for the budget, this house is really nice and fits the bill, it just so happens to be really close to his house. Ah well. I'm sure it will add to the entertainment value as numerous people pointed out to me at the weekend that in their opinion regardless of what Toyboy may say about such relationship status, he won't make it home very often when he has to pass mine on the way.

Which is actually now a reason that makes me want to sort it out. I really don't want to get into a situation of him rocking up on the doorstep without me knowing what the status is. Are we on? Or are we off? If we are off, then do not darken my door, regardless of how tempting that may be. Anyway, I'll blog that whole debate another day.

But you know what? Even in his absolutely hammered, drunken mess of a state he got himself into the other night, all the not bothering moments he'd had over the weekend when he could have made more of an effort and he didn't, I still looked at him, hardly able to stand (I could stand, he couldn't) and I thought to myself, "Bloody hell you're ace."

Oh shit. Yummy Mammy is quite smitten.

Had a few other "events" over the weekend but since this blog is now so long that nobody is going to be reading it anymore, then I'll give you very brief highlights. Remember The Unsuitable One? Read back if you don't, but anyway, he again declared undying love, told others he loved me, saw something he wasn't supposed to, which wasn't bad on my part, but probably looked bad to his over active mind. I then managed to plonk myself into the middle of a love triangle elsewhere, with someone else holding their hand up and admitting to fancying a bit of Yummy Mammy. Far too complicated that one to even try and explain here, but the internal alarm bells rang very bloody loud and screamed at me to not even consider it even though the man in question is a catch and a half. Yummy Mammy will not be going there. Oh and then, I saw a really bizarre Facebook status update of someone, that made a penny drop and I realised it was about me. Oh fuck, not another one.

Actually, maybe Toyboy could do to know he has competition. He told me he can't remember the name of my blog now and I wouldn't tell him again, so readers it's safe to talk about him again ha ha. Maybe a bit of competition would give him that much needed kick up the backside. Readers, what do you think?

So, on the to do list is;
*Pack up my whole house
*Move said house contents in a really big van, on a really big boat, to another country
*Find a new job
*Get official offer of new job, in writing so that I can ...........
*Get new house, preferably the nice one I've already seen
*Move into new house, set it all up and make it lovely
*In the absence of small child, make said new house into a nice little love nest
*Lure Toyboy into a false sense of security and make him think that the previously mentioned love nest is the best place on earth and there is nowhere else he'd rather be, and more importantly, with Yummy Mammy
*Have nice little life all set up for when small child kicks Batman into touch and gets herself moved
*All live happily ever after

See, it's simple when you write it down!!!!!

xxx

I Can't Keep A Secret

I am literally flying out the door as I'm off on my travels again this weekend, but I simply couldn't keep this a secret any longer. Well I've already spilled the beans to loads of you already so I might as well tell the rest of you now.

I'M MOVING BACK TO THE UK, GOING HOME FOR GOOD IN 28 DAYS!!!!!!!

Shocked you haven't I. And now I'm going to leave you hanging and tell you all the details next week upon my return. But be rest assured, it's good news, there is a little bit of give and take, and a few things that I'm not entirely happy about, but on the whole it's good and all has worked out well. Oh and my divorce has finally gone through and the decree absolute will be granted in a couple of weeks as well.

So I'm off back home for the weekend to celebrate. And to deal with Toyboy. In my new found one woman UN negotiator role (well not exactly but having dealt with Batman for so long and finally reached an amicable resolution I now feel that I would do well working for the UN), I'm going to hit Toyboy with it. Step up or step away, and when I say step away, I actually mean stay away.

This is the start of a whole new chapter for Yummy Mammy and no longer will I settle for second best, not getting what I want or putting up with things because the situation dictates that I have to. There no longer is a situation, there no longer is any complication, there is no longer a big old sea to constantly cross. There is only me, living in the place I want to live, and a man, Toyboy, that I do really like, living in that same place. I know what I want, and if it's not what he also wants then it's time to move along. It really is that simple now.

As for the Save One Mammy campaign, if you all agree (those that are still to post) then I think we should carry on? My situation is now sort of resolved (but hey it's Batman so anything could still happen) but given the vast amount of women who are still suffering because of these out dated, ridiculous laws, I feel it is important that they find us and know that there is hope. That you can get there in the end. And also know that they are not alone. I can quite honestly say that I don't know what I would have done without all my readers and the huge amounts of support they have given me. There have been times when I have been completely lost and not known what to do from one day to the next. And then an email would arrive or someone would comment and again I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is so important that other women get to see the light too. Living in the darkness this horrible situation brings is the most awful place to be, and they need our help and support.

So I'm off again for the weekend and I really hope my celebrations aren't dampened by an awkward Toyboy. But actually I won't let him ruin them at all. He can just go away if I so much as get a sniff that he might be about to.

And I'm also meeting up with quite a few other bloggers as well this weekend so I dare say I'll have about a million tales to tell you all next week, and I'll also post all the details of the Batman agreement.

Until then, much love to you all, and once again, thank you so very very very much for everything you have all done to keep me going. You will never truly realise just how much you have done for me.

Much love
xx